I’ve lied to everyone in my life. I lost my job in January by drinking by myself for a week, I’ve told everyone that I still have a job. I’ve spent all of my savings now just keeping up this pretense. I haven’t tried to find a new job. I dropped out of college last year, I was supposed to graduate. What I didn’t tell anyone is I basically stopped going to classes half way through my sophomore year. I have about 60 some odd credits instead of the 128 my parents paid for. During this time I basically cut myself off from all of my friends and families. I started drinking and smoking heavily just to forget all the shit I was supposed to be doing. At the time when most of my “friends” were graduating I ran away. I’d planned on killing myself by driving into a cliff. I chickened out. Instead I just spent a few days by myself and then returned home. I started therapy and working regularly at a retail store. I was socializing a little. Then, I drank really heavy and drove off from a friends apartment. Before that I punched two friends in the face and broke some stuff. I came back to consciousness in another state. It was a miracle I didn’t crash or get arrested. I was shirtless and covered with vomit. I lived about 2 hours away from where I woke up, I was next to a stream in the woods. After that I’ve never tried to get back in touch, I was too ashamed of my actions to ever call again. This was about at the end of summer. I started taking antidepressants and had to give up drinking altogether. During this time I did pretty well at work, I was making some good impressions. I know some of the people made fun of my pock marks behind my back. And one person actively was trying to fight me. Other people, for the most part, were cool to me. Then I started working nights. It was okay until I started to “feel normal” again. I mean, I missed hanging out, having beautiful (and ugly) girls call me ugly, being stupid while trying to be funny. In short having some fun. New Years was approaching. I worked all that weekend before it, so I went out and had some fun. Then I kept drinking. My folks were away for the week and I only had work. I completely blow work off and drank. At the end of the week I knew I was in trouble so I just never went back to work. Since that time I’ve just been saying I’m working while I haven’t been. I spend my time by myself, sometimes I’m reading, sometimes I’m driving, sometimes I’m at coffee shops. All of the time I know people are looking at me as that smelly asshole. You know that fat loser looking guy, kind of smells like cheap deodorant and ass. I’ve ruined my chances for getting anything beyond a bachelor’s degree, and in what I studied that’s as good as a role of used toilet paper. What I want to do is so popular, people take vacations based on it. With a BA or BS, I’d be qualified to do what people are literally paying to do. I’m so afraid of doctors, I haven’t been to the dentist in about 4 years. I have to have serious work done and my mouth hurts all of the time. My breath smells like death and can’t get close to anyone without them realizing how bad my mouth is. I can’t speak properly. It’s hard for me to even post this– here goes nothing. I don’t want to be the dead in spirit, the zombie. I don’t want to be the liar anymore. I want to be alive . . .