Owning up, at least to myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hammockmonkey, Apr 15, 2007.

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  1. hammockmonkey

    hammockmonkey Well-Known Member

    I’ve lied to everyone in my life. I lost my job in January by drinking by myself for a week, I’ve told everyone that I still have a job. I’ve spent all of my savings now just keeping up this pretense. I haven’t tried to find a new job. I dropped out of college last year, I was supposed to graduate. What I didn’t tell anyone is I basically stopped going to classes half way through my sophomore year. I have about 60 some odd credits instead of the 128 my parents paid for. During this time I basically cut myself off from all of my friends and families. I started drinking and smoking heavily just to forget all the shit I was supposed to be doing. At the time when most of my “friends” were graduating I ran away. I’d planned on killing myself by driving into a cliff. I chickened out. Instead I just spent a few days by myself and then returned home.
    I started therapy and working regularly at a retail store. I was socializing a little. Then, I drank really heavy and drove off from a friends apartment. Before that I punched two friends in the face and broke some stuff. I came back to consciousness in another state. It was a miracle I didn’t crash or get arrested. I was shirtless and covered with vomit. I lived about 2 hours away from where I woke up, I was next to a stream in the woods. After that I’ve never tried to get back in touch, I was too ashamed of my actions to ever call again. This was about at the end of summer.
    I started taking antidepressants and had to give up drinking altogether. During this time I did pretty well at work, I was making some good impressions. I know some of the people made fun of my pock marks behind my back. And one person actively was trying to fight me. Other people, for the most part, were cool to me. Then I started working nights. It was okay until I started to “feel normal” again. I mean, I missed hanging out, having beautiful (and ugly) girls call me ugly, being stupid while trying to be funny. In short having some fun.
    New Years was approaching.
    I worked all that weekend before it, so I went out and had some fun. Then I kept drinking. My folks were away for the week and I only had work. I completely blow work off and drank. At the end of the week I knew I was in trouble so I just never went back to work. Since that time I’ve just been saying I’m working while I haven’t been. I spend my time by myself, sometimes I’m reading, sometimes I’m driving, sometimes I’m at coffee shops. All of the time I know people are looking at me as that smelly asshole. You know that fat loser looking guy, kind of smells like cheap deodorant and ass.
    I’ve ruined my chances for getting anything beyond a bachelor’s degree, and in what I studied that’s as good as a role of used toilet paper. What I want to do is so popular, people take vacations based on it. With a BA or BS, I’d be qualified to do what people are literally paying to do. I’m so afraid of doctors, I haven’t been to the dentist in about 4 years. I have to have serious work done and my mouth hurts all of the time. My breath smells like death and can’t get close to anyone without them realizing how bad my mouth is. I can’t speak properly.
    It’s hard for me to even post this– here goes nothing.
    I don’t want to be the dead in spirit, the zombie. I don’t want to be the liar anymore. I want to be alive . . .
  2. gitana

    gitana SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi, I am glad that you shared with us here about your struggles and deep pain.

    You stated that you were in therapy.. Are you still in therapy and is it helping? Given some of the facts that you shared and are very open and it took alot of courage to tell us here about about what is going on in your life.. I hope you found a good T (therapist) to help you through all of this..

    It sounds like you need to work on your pain and also on your drinking. Do you think you have a drinking problem? There is help for you if you want it.. I know it is difficult. I know that drinking is a cover up for the deep pain you feel..and don't know how to deal with.. Can you look at your life honestly.. all that has happened and realize that drinking for you.. is a huge problem as it as interfered with anything in your life. Hiding.. lying to others.. I understand and many here, understand the same thing.. we isolate and cut ourselves off from friends and families.. it isn't easy and easier to let people go..instead of realize that drinking is just masking your pain and yeah, smoking too.. It must have very diffcult for you to see your friends graduate and you didn't.

    Since you shared your story about drinking, do you see a pattern here.. mayber a blackout that happened.. since you punched two friends and broke some stuff? And then, look at it.. you drove to another state, how you got there, who knows? But at least you didn't hurt or kill anybody driving like that? Right? No excuse.. But how far down do you have to go to realize that all this is affecting you and others in your life..Do you want to end up going to prison for hurting someone or killing someone because of drinking? and the blackouts you have?

    It is a miracle that YOU didn't kill anybody! Have you ever thought of that possibility? Have been there before.. I know someone. so strange.. lost both her sons at two different times.. a couple years apart.. from a drunk driver.
    My grandfather and several of his friends were killed by a drunk driver.. and went over a cliff.. coming back from a fishing trip and the drunk driver lived...

    Are you still on antidepressants? I am glad that they worked.. Yes.. people can be really terrible.. when someone has something different about them, I know people who have pock marks and some celebrities have them too.. and because of their look.. are in movies..

    I don't believe that you are ugly at all.. People can be cruel and I have been there with other issues in my life.. One needs to learn to look behind the outside and into the heart of a person.. Someday, you will find that special person.. but only when you get the right help in therapy, your low self esteem, drinking problems.. many 12 step programs are good to check out..

    So you started drinking again and lost another job? Do you understand, hon, how much, this has interfered in your life and how much you are losing.. It isn't important.. You matter.. you can have a good life.. To hell with people who make fun of you.. because someday, they will be the ones in postition and you will be the one laughing on the inside.. I have heard it said the first will be last and the last will be first.. Believe me, surprisingly, those that judge others harshly with their words it will come around to them eventually. I have seen it happen..

    Why do you think you have ruined your chances for a degree beyond a bachelor's? What do you have degree in and interested in? I know that hard with some degrees but you can do something else and find something that you love that will work (?) and move on.. and get more education? It sounds interesting.. What do you want to do?

    Okay.. I am afraid of dr.. too.. and especially the dentist.. My teeth are very soft, born that way.. I was always mad at my sister because SHE never ever had any cavities or her teeth hurt.. ME!! I didn't even eat that much sugar or candy either so thought I would be okay.. and I would always be the one with the cavities!!! How horrible is that! So unfair! However, if you don't get help for your teeth, it can become worse if one is abscess and poison.. Believe me you don't want that to happen at all.. I know someone that happened to and was unaware that the problem that he had was with his teeth.. long story.. You can get help for your teeth and there is alot of new technology now.. to help you.. if you are scared.. just let the dentist know.. if you can get a good referral from someone, that would be great..

    I had a friend whose breath always smelled really bad too and she was finally able to find a good dentist to help her.. and she is doiing lot better.. The dentist nowadays, usually have alot of new tech to help someone, and when I have gone to the dentist and let them know, have extemely sensitve, painful teeth.. even cleaning them.. requires medication.. just my luck..and several visits.. and my parents always had me at the dentist for checkups since I was young..and always.. something.. that needed work on, yet my sister, no problem.. still today.. the dentist told my mom born with soft teeth.. and to watch the candy and sugar and always did anyway.. and yet, I still had these damn Cavities, etc!! and abcess before.. !! Grr...

    Just check it out.. get a good dentist.. and there are some awesome ones out there I have had in the past, and didn't feel anything.. You will be okay..

    It took alot of COURAGE for you to post this.. and I am glad you did.. and shared what you did..

    You have come to the right place. You are not a zombie.. Lean on us to help you and encourage you anytime.. PM me anytime if you want someone to talk to.. Yes.. you have made the first step... you don't want to be a liar anymore and you want to live!

    May I ask if you are continuing drinking? You don't have to answer. Just extremely concerned.. I know you care and concerned or you wouldn't be here to write what you did.. I am glad you are here and keep hanging out with us.. okay?

  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...part of the disease of alcoholism, and the disrepair of depression is to be fraudulant...we have all done it, in one way or another...it is so brave of you to take responsiblity as you have...this is the beginning of a new path, and I am sure that are many ppl here to support you...big props to your honesty...and oh, the wows of our imperfections!...big hugs, Jackie
  4. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum.. if there's anything I can ever do, just let me know... :hug:
  5. hammockmonkey

    hammockmonkey Well-Known Member

    I come off as blaming alcohol. It was a tool I knowing used to forget. I don't make excuses for drunk driving. I was extremely lucky that I didn't kill someone else, get arrested or anything. I should know better, two friends of mine were killed in high school by drunk driving . . . I guess i'm just a slow learn. I'm a binge drinker and I don't like how I act when I go overboard. I have to be very conscious of what and how much I'm drinking. I'm still in therapy and it's progressing okay, I feel good talking to her and it's getting somewhat easier for me to open up to her.

    Thank you.
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    To be open is difficult, so plez give it time...but to be authentic is priceless, so keep going...whatever your 'secrets' are, they are probably something this person has heard, in kind...best of luck to you
  7. Dave303

    Dave303 Well-Known Member

    Hello Hammock U have taken the right steps to begin your recovery. The past while can be haunting is behind U. Let us know how your therapy is progressing and if U need to talk, U can PM me at rayden291 at yahoo dot com.
  8. hammockmonkey

    hammockmonkey Well-Known Member

    I know I should be honest and reveal the secret that I haven’t been working. However, I feel this will go over better if I have a new job . . . I know, I know that really, what I’m doing is counter productive to my long term goals of actually having a real relationship with my family. It’s just there is a lot of stress on my family right now and I don’t want to add to it. I mean, we’re moving, the sellers are having problems, my dad just quit his job, my mom’s job just changed recently and she hates it now. My brother just had a kid, and he doesn’t like his job either. He and his wife just bought a new house . . . This thinking is not altruistic. I’m just trying to avoid what would be an extremely awkward and troubling conversation. I would rather this come at a time when we could “deal with it.” I know what will help, but I’m so afraid of making that step. I know that both my parents don’t realize what is going on in my life, and both will be shocked, and annoyed by my actions. I blew off therapy because I didn’t want to confront my actions. I’m afraid of the truth because as long as I’m the only one who knows, its not real. Its just so much nicer to live a lie sometimes.
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