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P-doc lost a patient now won't see me

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Cascadia, Mar 7, 2009.

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  1. Cascadia

    Cascadia Member

    I was seeing a psychiatrist this past fall and winter when I became suicidal after an ex boyfriend who works in health care assaulted me. He had medicated me and i guess thought I wouldn't remember it but I did. I was really suicidal and she was someone that specialized in that but it took me a few months to find her so I used up lots of my limited mental health benefits with my insurance. She felt I was really in danger though so they gave me extra visits to see her in November and December. She even suggested that I consider the hospital but I had no desire to spend time with other depressed people and wouldn't feel safe.

    I know how devastating it can be for a therapist to lose a patient, so I asked her over and over again if she was able to handle me talking about it and she assured me she could. She was very open and told me she had lost a patient in her residency and it was part of the job of working with high risk suicidal patients but that women often threatened and didn't do it so she was fine working with me. I went to another state to be with my family over the holidays but with the new year I had to meet my deductible again and I was so demoralized that I gave up for a few months. She left me a voice mail and told me it was fine for me to take a break and she wanted me to come back and see her and she would see me anytime.

    Finally I got some money for my birthday (last week of Feb) (I am on unemployment) and called up and made an appt with her receptionist last Friday for this past Tuesday (4 days ago). One side effect of the assault and from somethings that happened growing up is that I get PTSD when I have medical tests scheduled (ultrasound today) so I was trying to be proactive. On Monday morning I got a call from the receptionist telling me that since I was no longer her patient that she was cancelling my appt. I called the doc (different location and number then her receptionist), sent a fax asking her what happened on Tuesday and finally on Wednesday she called me back and told me she wouldn't treat me any more and the reason was because she "lost" one of her other patients. She also told me she doubted she could help me and that she didn't see any point in my coming back and then me to the generic cirisis clinic (volunteers) instead of seeing me or giving me a referral.

    I went through half the stages of grief during the call, denial, begging, (told her I would never talk about suicide again) then anger the next day Thursday (called again and sent her a fax questioning why if she lost a patient to suicide was she allowed to give up but I couldn't), sent another letter yesterday asking why all of the skills she taught me to deal with trauma didn't work for her and why I had to be held accountable for another patients death. Tonight left a voice mail on her phone expressing my frustration at how she could abandon me like that and drove around for hours.

    Even though I often felt suicidal in the past six months I never actually made an attempt. I thought talking about my feelings versus acting on them was partly how you healed. Now I feel like i burned her out and she is clearly telling me I am a burden. I live alone, lost my job after the assult and my best friend moved overseas a few months ago so I am totally isolated. I am not impulusive normally but I feel like I am on auto-pilot and cared. I made 2 serious suicide attempts in college and ended up in intensive care both times, but I haven't in the past few years. If she thinks I am a burden then who wouldn't? I drove over to the lake with the means in my car but oddly there was a police car there (which I have never seen there) so I came home. I am more numb then sad and when that happens I am in such a dangerous place. I realize however while reading through tons of posts here other people are clearly in distress and I don't want to burden anyone else here either.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 7, 2009
  2. flowerpot

    flowerpot Well-Known Member

    I don't think it's something you should take personally.. i think she just believes she can't help you, she must be very upset.. wouldn't you be? living with the thought that someone committed suicide when you were trying to help them? not that it's her fault in any way. i hope you are okay, maybe try to find someone new that can help you.. i know that would be hard trusting someone all over again but i wish you the very best :hug:
  3. Cascadia

    Cascadia Member

    Wow.. people actually read my post and wrote to me already? I don't even know for sure how to reply yet for sure and I am still trying to find an avatar I am so new. Thank you. Yes of course I totally understand how she would be upset and question her ability to help me. I have had friends die by suciide before and it devestated everyone. It is one reason I hid how bad i felt the past six months, so no one will wonder later if there was something they could have done. It feels like she is telling me that I am hopeless and to toxic to work with and that makes me feel so very alone and sad and scared but I really appreciate your concern for a total newbie.
  4. flowerpot

    flowerpot Well-Known Member

    it's okay... welcome by the way! i'm really sorry that you have lost friends it's awful. :sad: if you ever need someone to talk to then i assure you there are tonnes of people here including myself, always. & don't think you have to hide anything. really i'm sorry it hasn't happened to me but i can try to imagine it would be really hard losing her & i understand that you feel that way but please don't think that's what she thinks of you because it wouldn't be! she doesn't think you're hopeless she's probably feeling worthless herself & she wouldn't be able to stand the pain of losing you aswell (& any other patients she may have)
  5. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    this is very hurtful :( i am sorry thi shappenend but please don't give up. there are other forms of help, other therapists, peer support like here... and you may find rainn helpful:


    you are not hopeless or a burden.. nor are you toxic.. you feel that way because of your trauma. i have ptsd too.. feel free to pm me or catch me in chat sometime?

    sam x
  6. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi....welcome to s.f.

    i am very sorry about your situation, but you already have been given some good advice....and i am here to give a listening hear, anytime.

    lean on us while you get stronger - :hug:
  7. Ignored

    Ignored Staff Alumni

    Wow, how utterly unprofessional of her! I'm amazed, quite frankly. I'm sure it must be very difficult if that happens but they're supposed to be trained for that eventuality. I'm sure it's very difficult for you, but ultimately she might be right in that she doesn't sound as if she could be any real help to you if she can't deal with the realities of depression and suicidal ideation... ie that sometimes people do succeed. Sorry! But it's her that should feel bad... the problem is not with you but with her failure to be an effective therapist.
  8. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    What the hell? There were close to 5,000 suicides by females in 2005 alone in the US. (I haven't been able to find more recent statistics, but I can't imagine the numbers have changed all that drastically since then.) And this was a psychiatrist? Good grief.
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