I was seeing a psychiatrist this past fall and winter when I became suicidal after an ex boyfriend who works in health care assaulted me. He had medicated me and i guess thought I wouldn't remember it but I did. I was really suicidal and she was someone that specialized in that but it took me a few months to find her so I used up lots of my limited mental health benefits with my insurance. She felt I was really in danger though so they gave me extra visits to see her in November and December. She even suggested that I consider the hospital but I had no desire to spend time with other depressed people and wouldn't feel safe. I know how devastating it can be for a therapist to lose a patient, so I asked her over and over again if she was able to handle me talking about it and she assured me she could. She was very open and told me she had lost a patient in her residency and it was part of the job of working with high risk suicidal patients but that women often threatened and didn't do it so she was fine working with me. I went to another state to be with my family over the holidays but with the new year I had to meet my deductible again and I was so demoralized that I gave up for a few months. She left me a voice mail and told me it was fine for me to take a break and she wanted me to come back and see her and she would see me anytime. Finally I got some money for my birthday (last week of Feb) (I am on unemployment) and called up and made an appt with her receptionist last Friday for this past Tuesday (4 days ago). One side effect of the assault and from somethings that happened growing up is that I get PTSD when I have medical tests scheduled (ultrasound today) so I was trying to be proactive. On Monday morning I got a call from the receptionist telling me that since I was no longer her patient that she was cancelling my appt. I called the doc (different location and number then her receptionist), sent a fax asking her what happened on Tuesday and finally on Wednesday she called me back and told me she wouldn't treat me any more and the reason was because she "lost" one of her other patients. She also told me she doubted she could help me and that she didn't see any point in my coming back and then me to the generic cirisis clinic (volunteers) instead of seeing me or giving me a referral. I went through half the stages of grief during the call, denial, begging, (told her I would never talk about suicide again) then anger the next day Thursday (called again and sent her a fax questioning why if she lost a patient to suicide was she allowed to give up but I couldn't), sent another letter yesterday asking why all of the skills she taught me to deal with trauma didn't work for her and why I had to be held accountable for another patients death. Tonight left a voice mail on her phone expressing my frustration at how she could abandon me like that and drove around for hours. Even though I often felt suicidal in the past six months I never actually made an attempt. I thought talking about my feelings versus acting on them was partly how you healed. Now I feel like i burned her out and she is clearly telling me I am a burden. I live alone, lost my job after the assult and my best friend moved overseas a few months ago so I am totally isolated. I am not impulusive normally but I feel like I am on auto-pilot and cared. I made 2 serious suicide attempts in college and ended up in intensive care both times, but I haven't in the past few years. If she thinks I am a burden then who wouldn't? I drove over to the lake with the means in my car but oddly there was a police car there (which I have never seen there) so I came home. I am more numb then sad and when that happens I am in such a dangerous place. I realize however while reading through tons of posts here other people are clearly in distress and I don't want to burden anyone else here either.