Pain and depression won't stop

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lostyorkie, Dec 5, 2014.

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  1. lostyorkie

    lostyorkie Member

    I'm 28 and have been depressed since I was about 10. I've been seeing a psychiatrist for the past 3 years and things are getting progressively worse. 4-5 years ago I had a job, went to work everyday, worked most days I can barely get myself out of bed. I have horrible body/bone/joint aches and have had some sort of respatory infection for 3 months. I've always had insomnia but now sleep is impossible bc I cough for hours on end and my body aches. I used to be anorexic/over exercise...tried to do what I thought was recovery but ended up just binging and becoming overweight...this is still going on and just seems so hard to manage and is terrible for my diabetes. I am supposed to working for my dad but I rarely go in bc I can't sleep and just can't function. Just the simplest task are so impossible and every moment of my life is painful, physically and mentally. It seems like suicide is the only way out. My parents want to check me into an expensive treatment program...but I've been to places before and I just wind up failing...I don't want them to waste such a large amount of money on me.

    Also 3.5 months ago I broke up with my then boyfriend and I don't think I'll ever stop hating myself for it and the way I acted during the relationship...I was so paranoid and messed I'm sure I hurt him and I bet he tells people what a psychotic bitch I was. I can't stop thinking about this. Like it haunts me.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Suicide is never the only way out. When I was in a deep depression, I found it hard to do very basic things such as my hair, look respectable, clean, so I understand where you are coming from. I think you should take that offer from your parents, you may feel guilty because of the cost but think of it in the long run, they want to see you well again no doubt and in the long term the treatment program may be helpful,I'm sure your dad understands regarding the work 'cos you have not complained about the parents and said they want to help.

    My advice yes, let them. I'm sorry to hear about your physical health issues. It is draining when you have both mental and physical problems. Is there a reason you got depressed when you were just 10 years old? That is awfully sad. Suicide is NEVER the only option or even an option because depression is treatable even when it feels like it will never go away, you were well 3 years ago and you can get well again....has the break up with your boyfriend triggered all of this? If he didn't understand or dumped you then he was never right for you in the first place in my opinion, you need someone that appreciates you for the pros and cons!! Damn, I don't mean to make you sound like a product lol but that's the best I could explain it. We are always here for you.
  3. lostyorkie

    lostyorkie Member

    I did talk to someone from the psych unit yesterday about being admitted but if it happens it won't be till next week. It's about 5am where I am. The night before this was terrible, I didn't sleep at all but I had an appt with my psychiatrist which my mom takes me too so I convinced myself to not kill myself...but was like okay am going to do it the next night. I initially agreed to the idea of going inpatient but of course after it set in and after I found out it wasn't covered by insurance I just was back at wanting to end my life.

    I was able to sleep for the beginning of the night last night so that only left me a few hours before my mom will call or text or show up at my apartment so it's like I'm stuck with trying to get through another day. I've attemged suicided 5 times before and 2 other times as like cries for help so my parents check up on me a lot. I just feel like I'm such a burden and a hassle and I've gotten worse.

    I tried to kill myself while I was dating my ex. The psych ward I was at was pretty bad. They put me on made me feel like a zombie, my muscles didn't work right, I had to consciously control my mouth so I wouldn't drool and slur my speech. I never slept before I was on it but when I was on it all I could do was sleep and The food cravings were insane. This triggered a return to my binge eating...I took myself off of it cold turkey...the withdrawal symptoms lasted about 2 weeks. This caused me to miss a concert with my ex and he kept making me feel bad about bc I didn't taper if I'd asked my doctor them I wouldn't have gotten sick and missed the concert-this makes sense but I just wanted to stop them and had been only been on then a month so didn't think I'd really get withdrawal-looking back I wish I had tapered but I couldn't change that. He kept telling me how upset he was that he wasted money on the concert tickets. Thats when I broke up with him.

    My eating never leveled out after I was off the remeron. He was telling me he wanted to marry me and stuff and then two weeks after we broke up he started dating other people and I tried to kill myself again. I was depressed before and during the it didn't all start with the break up but it has gotten worse.
  4. Bart

    Bart Banned Member

    lostyorkie, It must be so hard having to struggle through days with both physical and mental issues.

    Earlier on this year, I found myself getting more and more depressed and this progressed to not being able to 'move'. I put that in quotes because what I mean is to move about normally. Sure I could crawl out of bed but it ached as I went down the stairs doubled up. I had trouble at first crossing a foot bridge. Then I had trouble crossing a road. Then I had trouble summoning the energy to pick up a leaf off the floor. I put it down to depression, I felt that my mind was packing up so badly that it was no longer able to drive me.

    As it turns out, there was a medical (as opposed to psychiatric) reason that I slowed down so drastically. I was started on a medication and within three days I was moving normally and my depression lifted.

    Maybe you should get a full check over. Now this is difficult. Doctors have a range of standard blood tests they do and even those may come back clear and you are still physically 1/10 energy wise.

    I don't want to suggest what blood tests you *should* have. I'm not a doctor. But maybe ask your doctor to think outside the box a bit?
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am one of those people who has gained a lot of weight from medications (I only made a thread about it last night), some medications such as seroquel and zyprexa can make you eat like you've never ate before. I have also been on remeron (it's called zispin here) it helped me sleep very well and it was one of the better medications I have taken. I truly believe it took me out of my depression and since I have stopped taking it the depression never came back.

    Your ex-boyfriend sounds very selfish, if he cares more about concert tickets than your well being he is very selfish which is probably the reason you broke up with him. He should have been more considerate of your feelings as just because he cannot see your illness doesn't mean it isn't there or maybe he just couldn't understand it well enough. Personally, I think you are better off without him and did the right thing by breaking up with him. You will meet someone in time that will care 'cos you seem like a nice considerate person :hug:

    Your parents are worried about you, that's natural. Do not feel like a burden, they wouldn't be helping if they didn't care. If it makes you feel better maybe do something nice for them to show your appreciation. I wish my mom understood my anxiety better, it would make my life much easier.

    Since you say your depression has gotten worse it is best to see the psychiatrist, just be entirely honest, get it all off your chest and see what they can come up with to help and assist you.

    I wish you all the best at your psychiatrist appointment. If you feel you need inpatient care, go for it. It helps a lot of people!!
  6. lostyorkie

    lostyorkie Member

    I've been looking into reasons for my physical pain and I was on levoflaxin, an antibiotic, for a month, coupled with 6 days of steroids, and I've read reviews from people who have gotten chronic muscle, tendon, and joint pain from being on levoflaxin. The info about says the risk is increased if your on steriods. I was afraid to go on it bc of that but nothing seemed to working for my sinus infection and I didn't want to act paranoid at my doctors office bc I've done that before and I feel like he thinks I'm a bit of a hyperchondriac I just don't see how I can live with this everyday.

    My parents are hopeful that the psych program will help me but I just don't see how it will help with the physical symptoms. I also have such a hard time remembering all of my own history that I get things confused and I end up not giving very accurate info. I know it's going to be a waste of my oney and my dad will never be able to retire. What if I do the program and come out and am no better and they still have to support me? I just feel like it be so much easier if I wasn't here. I know they would be upset but it has to be upsetting to see me in the same horrible loop every day.
  7. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Don't worry about being paranoid at the doctors office, be assertive when it comes to your health. It sounds like the health part is the root of why you're feeling the way you are.
  8. lostyorkie

    lostyorkie Member

    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 5, 2014
  9. lostyorkie

    lostyorkie Member

    My pain and sick feeling is only getting worse. I keep turning to sugary food for momentary distraction. I'll put it off for a few hours or try to eat a regular meal but always end up eating ice cream or something similar to that which then just makes me depressed bc of what I ate and that I seem unable to control myself. It's been hard for me to move around all day bc of my pain. I just don't see a way out of I'm just digging myself a deeper hole. I keep thinking that if I could just force myself to get back into a regular routine that is get back into life but I've been sick and unable to do that since the beginning of September. I have enough meds to end my life. I'm not afraid of death, perhaps it would be a new beginning for me. I just worry about how it would affect my family. I've actually tried to convince my mom to let me go and accept that is be better off dead but she gets so's like I'm asking her for permission to kill myself.
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