Pain and Shadows

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by wallflower, Aug 2, 2008.

  1. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    It seems that now that summer is passing that I can already feel the hints of darkness. I believe I must have some for of seasonal affective disorder: my moods changing literally with the weather. When it was winter I was completely depressed. as soon as spring came I was happy every day and feeling great.
    I actually fear winter because I will be cold- and I can't stand the cold, and I don't know...I am so lonely right now. I don't know how to think, or express these thoughts because honestly...right now my head is full of air. I don't have a personality, I am all that I say and speak. I have to think through every single little itty bitty thing I do just to get by. It's so hard to think so much.
    I don't know what my options are, how to get out of it: or if moving to the otherside of the country is going to help me get out of this situation.
    I am suicidal, right now. I am very sick, like emotionally and I have been anxious to the extent that I want to tear my face off and scratch off my skin because it itches, and then when in crowds I feel like I am dissosociating gradually from all existence...what the hell is wrong with me!
    Is it DID, dissociative identity disorder? It feels like it, or ptsd, or anxiety, or just all these mental illnesses wrapped up in a cute package for me to deal with. I can't stand it. I cannot seem to be able to handle this stress.
    My parents are, for the most part, one of them completely supports me.
    On the other hand my other parent is losing it...my mom...she is sort of in her own world and could care less about me, my personality, my life, anything...and so...at least I know that i will still get my puppy tomorrow, even though I wanted the brother puppy...I will still get to have a new pet and I feel like shit...
    I do need a scholarship. But, i feel like my failed brain is to blame. I am so angry not at me, but at the lack of me and my stupid brain which can't function at the level I want it to. I have GOALS! I want to fulfill them and get my life together! And i don't need to feed the suicide vampire, I just need to find purpose and meaning to my life...and not fear structure...:mad:
    I am afraid of shadows, of the unconscious mind, of all the suppressed memories...
    But they keep coming back and I keep forcing them inside...and I am just worried that i will go senile or something...like become a killer or hurt myself or hurt people...maybe worried that I will just relapse...why should I worry?
    It's like they want to deny that I am feeling this way, but HASNT it been obvious? IT's not all ok. I want to be the happy sunshine pink butterflies girl, and that's not working out at all.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 2, 2008
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni

    Sounds like supressed emotions of certain memories could play a big part in all this. Have you ever tried therapy? If you try to work through these with a therapist, I bet a lot of your anxiety would die down.
    I am anxious all the time, and I realize it is all a cover up for emotions I don't want to experience.
    And although you say you can't handle the stress, you are. You're still here, doing it, and that's great :hug:
     
  3. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member


    Thank-you so much. I am anxious so much...so I just take xanax and then it's still not enough to kill all these pains, and rapid heart racing....and I am worried if I keep using benzos I will become addicted.

    But yes I am: i am still here. And I have meant to be here.

    Thanks for the reply FromThatShow
     
  4. colt45

    colt45 Well-Known Member

    The summer feels like jsut a anoter time for me. It has been nothing great. No fun just work taking shit from everyone.

    I sit in my room for a good portion of the summer and jsut watch DVD and try to pass the time and work at the same thankless job.

    Alloto family problems are going on.

    I am trying to make some life changing decissions and I feel that I am not getting any support from my parents.