Pain doesn't hurt?

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Dante, Mar 6, 2016.

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  1. Dante

    Dante Well-Known Member

    Note: Just wanted to say how tricky and annoying it is describing some things without potentially mentioning someone's trigger even if what you are saying is more or less innocent... I hope I did it right.

    Its the strangest thing, I am depressed and well on my way to a full blown anxiety disorder, I cant even go home without feeling like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff (I'm afraid of heights) and so one particularly anxious night I was desperate to just scream and claw at something and had my arms crossed in such a way that I was gripping each arm with the other hand, in a moment of frustration and nervous energy I gripped way too hard and felt pain, but this pain was wrong, it was most certainly pain, but I wouldn't say it hurt.

    The sensation was pain but there was no aversion to it, no "oh no, stop" reaction in my head, it was like any other sensation, like feeling the chair beneath me, it was just a feeling, I thought I was going mad and ended up "testing" this pain response, I cant say how because of forum rules but suffice it to say it should have hurt plenty, enough to stop me, but it didn't, I just felt pain numbly.

    Since then I have had a strong urge to self harm, to escalate until the pain hurts again.

    This is a problem.
  2. I know what you mean completely. I feel the same way when I SH. It is not good I agree. You need to find other things to do instead of SHing because just trying not to do it is like trying to not think of a pink elephant. You need to replace it instead of just not doing it.

    Is this you first time SHing?
  3. Dante

    Dante Well-Known Member

    This is not my first time SH no, however it has never been something I cannot stop, first time I tried it I eventually realised it wasnt helping, this time I have decided to treat it as a final release valve, and in this it seems to be useful and stops the urge to SH, the problem is, restricting it to non-permanent damage just isn't enough to make up the gap between the mental resources I currently have and the mental resources I need in order to cope.

    If I can find a surplus, enough to replace the mental benefit of the release from SH then I will of course stop.
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Dante, how about something really really physical but not harmful? A vigorous walk or run? Kick boxing? Dance lessons? Session on an exercise bike? Some people play a musical instrument and pour their feelings into the music and how they play.

    Just offering ideas...they work for some people, so maybe for you, too. I'm sure you'll find a way to manage things. :) Stay safe and strong! *hug*
  5. I agree with Acy it might be beneficial to try something that is really intense like exercise. In the long run SHing is not beneficial for it creates more problems then it helps. It is like drinking alcohol or meth, it may not 'hurt' short term but it does so much damage.
  6. Dante

    Dante Well-Known Member

    I have tried the whole exercise thing, and to be honest, most of the time I just dont have the energy to bring about the kind of pain and anger release thats necessary, besides, its not so much the physical energy release as it is the emotional and SH is quite potent emotionally speaking.
  7. I understand that. I feel the same. Have you looked into meditation or mindfulness? That can help with emotions or at least take so much concentration that you can't think about SHing. Just keep trying to find things that can help if not as well as SH.
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