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Pain. Every single day. So hard to keep going.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BradAwesome, Nov 12, 2015.

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  1. BradAwesome

    BradAwesome Member

    I really really wish I was dead. Everything that I ever had, or looked forward to, is gone. I'm so alone. Every day is a battle to not end everything. I don't want to hurt my family and friends. I'm just beyond depressed. I hate life so much. I hate living. I've been on so many medications and even back in May I went through 15 ECT (Shock Therapy) sessions. Still here, hating myself and my life. Nothing will ever get better. I wish I could stop this terrible feeling that I have inside. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
    4 people like this.
  2. imalone

    imalone Well-Known Member

    I am in a similar position to you, don't worry you're not alone. I know it hurts because I hurt too. As I know what I feels like I won't ramble on about things but I just want to say that instead of just going for it, just promise yourself that you will wait, even if it is just a few days or a week. Find something you enjoy to distract yourself, I've told myself I'll wait a week before I make my final decision and meanwhile I have been listening to my favourite bands. Believe me it helps, If you want to talk to someone who will understand you message me anytime. we could maybe help each other get better.
    2 people like this.
  3. BradAwesome

    BradAwesome Member

    Thank you. I'm trying my best to keep going for my friends and family. It's very hard though.
    2 people like this.
  4. Lula Belle

    Lula Belle Member

    Hello my username is Lula Belle - my father used to call me that. I can relate to all you said, almost word for word. None of the anti-depressants, mood stabilizers or ECT treatments ever changed my depressive suicidal thoughts & feelings. My new psychiatrist has allowed me to stop everything except for my benzodiazepines (very low dose clonazapam 4 times daily). All the other meds made me worse w/ awful side effects. He & I are considering that life circumstances trigger my affective disorder, instead of chemical imbalance. A resident in an ER refused to admit me for suicidal ideation. He stated that he thought I was suicidal due to my life circumstances & not due to a chemical imbalance. If you do not take the meds they can't keep you at MMC in my city. Anyway, I know CBT & DBT coping skills. I use them as much as possible; they help. I go to a therapist & a case manager; they help.
    My big trigger now is living back w/ my parents. I grew up in an abusive home, now I am here again because I have no place else to go yet. I am on Social Security Disability Income. I am on waiting lists for apartments in buildings where the rent is subsidized for people disabilities.
    Please look into getting a new doc, a therapist & any other professional to add to your team.
    Look for some good books on CBT & DBT coping skills & mechanisms.
    I am not saying the desire to die has left me, but I want my Joy & Peace. I never really had them
    I used to try to stay alive for those who would be hurt. That no longer works. Hitting that wall, I realized I want to Live for my Chance for Joy & Peace.
  5. BradAwesome

    BradAwesome Member

    I'm also on social security disability. I have a roommate otherwise I'd also be living at home with my parents.
  6. imalone

    imalone Well-Known Member

    I know what you go through, don't worry. I understand. Thank you for trying to keep strong
  7. BradAwesome

    BradAwesome Member

    Today is so hard. I saw my ex last night. She's doing fantastic. I'm still just destroyed. I haven't picked a day yet but I've decided I'm going to wait until after the holidays for my family and friends and then I'm out. I can't do this anymore. It hurts too much.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Please try and keep your head above the water, the holidays can be difficult and lonely for a lot of people but when it is over, it's a new year and a fresh start. Try and remain positive. I don't think you can tell by looking at her that she's doing fantastic, but if she is your ex and there is no hope of getting back together it's history and keep your pride and move on gracefully. You are strong for even still being here and I'm proud of you for that. I know you have had ECT, what kind of treatment are you receiving now? I hope you don't go through with your plans. Your life is too precious and you have family and friends who love you.
  9. Kamilla

    Kamilla Member

    I very much feel like nothing will ever get better too. It's been years if the same bullshit. But I'm still here. Try to find a new hobby. Something to look forward to.
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