Pain in my heart

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sweetpea0, Aug 10, 2009.

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  1. sweetpea0

    sweetpea0 Well-Known Member

    Last Saturday was me and my husbands 28th anniversary. I would love to say it was wonderful, but it wasn't. He yells at me a lot and I thought this day would be different. But I was wrong. He told me if all I can do is say something stupid, then don't say anything at all. He's the type of person that everything has to be his way.

    I have thought about leaving, but I know I can't make it on my own. I get a little disability but it's not enough. My family doesn't want me to stay with them because they are afraid I will kill myself at their home.

    I have gotten to the point where I can't take it any longer. I have tried several times to kill myself, but I was always found. This time I have planned things where I know I won't be found. My husband told me all I wanted was attention. He was dead wrong. I want to die. This is the only way I can get away from him. I don't have any feelings anymore. I just feel empty.

    Sorry this is so long. I just needed someone to know how I am feeling. I don't want to die not having someone know.

  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Linda I thought the same thing when I left my now ex after over 20 years of being together and having 3 wonderful children. I did it for me but more so for my kids. I had nothing, and still do but I got away from the constant abuse, the negative words, the mental anguish the physical shit. Have you ever thought of going to a woman shelter? Not for good but maybe even a few days. A break which you so badly need. Some time to get a breath and a little rest just for you. They can also get you in touch with resources that will help you. Again not to necessarily leave but to help you be you. In the last 28 years you have gotten lost along the way and your husband and family have taken center stage. You probably do everything for everyone except yourself. And you have probably been doing it all alone. Nobody or a very select few know what you have been going through. There are support groups hun. Once you tell your story to even another person that has been there or is still there, you can literally feel the weight lift and a little energy will come back. It's time for Linda to be Linda and not be everything for everyone. I'm a pm away if you'd like to talk hun. Dont give up yet. You havent explored all the options. Please be safe!!!

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    well, first i think you should NOT limit yourself becasue you are disabled. if you shut yourself down to possible oppertunities before you even try ... then you have already lost.

    if you live in the states, there are places you can call to find help before you leave your husband. there are , rent adjusted apartments, HUD.
    there are programs to help you with food. medicare or medicade.
    dont shut down any down any possiblities until you make some calls.

    get up and do some research. i know you can do it and i know there are ways so you wont starve. but, like the past poster, you wont be with the abuse anymore. you dont deserve it.

    if fear plays a big part of this scenerio ......
    there are agencies to help you with that as well.

    your concerned about ppl not knowing you are dead, PPL WILL KNOW.

    thats a given. sometimes its a matter of TIME TO DO FOR YOU.
    fear takes on a big role in these kinda deals. like i said, there are agencies to deal with that as well.
    good luck
  4. sweetpea0

    sweetpea0 Well-Known Member

    I am only mentally disabled. I guess that says a lot. I am tried of living. I know this may sound selfish but I don't want to try anymore. I will see my doctor tomorrow. I will talk to her, but that will not change my mine. I have made my plans.

    It's not just my husband. When I was young my brothers raped me. I pushed it back into my mind and forgot about it until I attempted suicide. All the memories came rushing back to me. I am haunted everyday with the memories. I was raped again when I was 19 by a guy I thought was a nice guy. I also have done somethings that I will never forgive myself for.

    All these things together are driving me crazy.

    I appreciate all the help people have given me. You guys are great.

    I have to think things over but not to long it makes my head hurt.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    what you need to think over is a plan so you can live better and be more comfy in your surroundings.
  6. SickBoy

    SickBoy Active Member

    I'm sorry to say this but your husband sounds like an arse and the source of a lot of your problems, I think the first thing you need to do is leave him. Of course you can make it on your own.

    ...And about your past, we've all had painful moments and done things we aren't proud of. All we can do is try to put them behind us and try to let them make us a better person in the future.

    Keep us updated with how you're doing from time to time. :smile:
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    These are not easy things to work through Linda, but it is possible to overcome them. You do need to get away from your husband. How can you heal when he is there constantly retraumatizing you.. I felt much as you do when I filled for divorce after 23 years of marriage. I quickly found out what it was like to be a single parent with 4 young children to raise. The helplessnes was overwhelming, but I got through and now my kids are almost all grown and on their own. One left at home. The fact that you are still here and have actively sought help proves to me that you are a survivor. Please don't give up on yourself. :hug:
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey time for you okay if you go to womens shelter they will help you get skills you need to survive on your own. Set you up with great coucilling to deal with the assualts you need time for you and your healing. Please think about it okay I know it will be hard but even for a few days leave and get some control back. Phone a shelter and let them know what husband is controling idiot and you need a place to stay I think you will find once free from him you will be able to breath more easily and actually start not being so fearful and sad. I hope you do this really you deserve better.
  9. sweetpea0

    sweetpea0 Well-Known Member

    I seen my Dr today. The only thing she told me was to go to church. That's fine but I needed advice on how I can get help. She is a new Dr and I'm having a tough time opening up to her. My other Dr always told me now was not the time to leave. He knew I would kill myself and he was right.

    Things in my mind are so jumbled. Every time I try to to think things out the pain gets so bad.

    I know you guys have helped me before. I know this has to be my decision. It's easier to just end it all.
  10. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Aww Linda I'm so sorry that you are still struggling so much. I know the confusion the pain and the thoughts hun. But what you need to do is stop thinking. Stop trying to figure it all out at once. The first thing you need to do is get away for a few days. Believe me once you can get afew days to yourself, time just for you, the thinking gets a little easier. Can you rent a hotel room, or maybe get away to a cabin for a few days. Even if your husband doesnt really bother with you when he is home, you are still in the enviroment and your thinking is cloudy at best. Or even go for a nice long drive to a country road, bring along some munchies and just sit in the quiet and watch the skies. You need to find you again before you can make any plans for your future. Please hun dont let the thoughts push you over the edge. Take a few days to regroup. And I know asking you to find time just for you is damn near impossible. But if you want to make sure that you have covered all your options first you have to. If you want to talk I'm a pm away Linda. Please stay safe and dont let the blackness swallow you up.
  11. sweetpea0

    sweetpea0 Well-Known Member

    I went out for a walk on the beach today with my dog Duchess. It helped for awhile. Just letting the water lap at my feet.
  12. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you went for a walk calmed your mind I hope you had time to thing about what was said. Just call crisis line for help they will hook you up with numbers for shelters in your area for abused women please do this for you.
    You will be happy you did it will be start new life for you please think about it okay take care.
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