Pain is getting worser

[White Dove]

My physical pain from this cancer is getting worser. I dont know how much more longer i can take it.. I feel im losing my fight.. i feel im losing my hope in everything. i feel others are leaving me because they know i will leave them soon from this cancer.. i dont know what tomorrow will bring for me or rather even if i will even be here come morning. Dont know how im going to cope.. Fear that even posting this it will be wrong. fear it will be a mistake...

I am not too good mood tonight... I am really hurting physically from this cancer pain and when i first started the pain meds and drinking beer i took 4 pain meds now im up to taking 10 pain meds at a time and looks as if i have to increase that to 12 now.. which means i will be taking 36 pain meds , a heart pill, a high blood pressure pill, my asthma meds and drinking whisky all in a days time ..

i know its gonna effect my heart and i know its gonna stop one day soon because its putting a strain upon my heart but it is the only thing that keeps the pain down and keeps me numb...

not knowing whats gonna happen is scary.. not knowing if i will wake up or if i will die tonight. not knowing how i will look in the mirrior tomorrow morning.. my face is changing.. i am beginging to look sick both in my eyes and face and no matter how much make-up i put on my face it still shows through somewhat...

sure it would be easy for anyone to tell me its gonna be okay but i dont think it is.. it cant be okay.. things dont taste like they used to. ice cream.. i just used to love eating ice cream and now it tastes like a metallic taste in my mouth , like maybe copper taste or feeling.. and puking is the worst i have ever done.. went to church sunday evening but last night i was so sick, seemed everything was spinning and puking up a lot lately.. i dont want it..

i never asked for any of this yet i am given it.. i think its too much.. i want to scream. i want to even curse God for causing me this much pain.. He could take it away from me but he wont... i want to just let everything go.

i HONESTLY TO GOD want to just let it all go

i cant fight this... i cant beat it..

i cant even let those i dearly loved know just how much i love them because they hate me and i did nothing wrong except trust

i cant help fix my own life so how can i be expected to fix anyone elses

i got no choice i have to give up and let it take me, just let it take me...

 

[~PinkElephants~]

What kind of cancer are you fighting WD? And what kinds of meds? If you are still in such pain you should talk to your doctor and he can up the dosage or the strength of the pills to lessen the pain. My Aunt had breast cancer and through her last days on the earth they were giving her so many pain pills just to stop the pain b/c from what I could see it was excrutiating. Like i said talk to your doc.

 

[mango_goose]

Hi white dove,
Ive seen a few of your posts, I cant even imagine what its like to feel the physical pain your feeling... but i do know that the physical pain makes the emotional pain so much worse..
All I can say is hang in there, and even though the alcohol might be helpful for the physical stuff, but it will be wreakin havoc on all your emotions...
Maybe you could cut down on the grog n try and get more pain killers??
OR try and look in to some alternative pain therapys...
I hope ya feel real better soon,
Good luck,
from Raz

 

[Esmeralda]

:hug: Susan I thought you were going to try the cancer center?

Regardless, I am not going anywhere. I will stick with you to the end. You know that you can PM me any time and I will respond. You are a wonderful woman, and whatever happens, God will fold you in His arms and comfort you. You will be happier than you can imagine...but if you come here, I will be there for you to comfort you in your hour of need.

 

[Beret]

Hun i hope your doc can adjust your pain meds so u dont have to suffer. Keep fighting the cancer!!!!!
We love you :hug:
Beret xxx