Pain is my escape

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Aaron1, Jan 7, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Aaron1

    Aaron1 New Member

    Hi i'm new here and my story is not as bad as others and I feel like I should not be here because everyone else needs help before me. My name is Aaron I am 18, my childhood from what I remember was great, I met my girlfriend Brittany on June 26th 2009. Up until now we have had a good relationship, Ive always been there for her and shes always been there for me.

    But last night was terrible, she stopped by after work to visit before she had to go home, I seen a jacket in the passenger seat and she said it was (cant remember but it was a male name) she seemed like it wasnt a problem anyway I over reacted and ended up slamming her car door. We texted and she said she was done and was tired of my shit, tired of me not having a job, and she had to much stress to be able to be with me anymore. and thats when my world crashed down, I cried, i prayed, i pulled my hair, i was so angry. how could what i thought to be a perfect relationship come to an end? we had so many good memories. I told her how i was feeling I told her I was going to hurt myself and she blew it off. I had my dads shotgun with 2 shells ready to go, safety off and under my chin. one final time I told her please call me i think im going to hurt myself(please keep in mind shes all i have to talk to) and she called, she said I shouldnt say stupid stuff like that, I kept asking,begging her to please not do this that i would get a job i would do anything i told her i would change! she kept saying i dont know aaron i just dont know.

    it was already 4am this started at 11pm she had to get up and go to school at 6:30am so she hung up on me. can you believe that she hung up on me??? i kept texting her telling her how I felt about everything. eventually she said okay we can try again and I was happy! but I felt like she was doing it just out of feeling sorry for me. Later that day I txted her at school and we txted for awhile it felt normal, then out of the blue she said she doesnt feel the same anymore, and once again my world came crashing down, I asked if she could stop by after school and she said yes, except this time I didnt want to kill myself I wanted to prove to her that I was going to and capable of hurting myself so she would stop taking it as a joke,(FIRST TIME CUTTER) I grabbed a serrated kitchen knife and went to my room. I cried, and i prayed once again. I put the knife to my arm and felt it wasnt right I knew we had a razor blade so I checked the garage and we did. I went to my room and put it to my arm and told myself why am i doing this? then i thought about everything, I filled myself with anger so I could not feel it.

    (Kind of detailed part here so if you get noxious simply scroll down abit) I sliced a little and not too deep the first time and saw blood small beads, sliced again a little longer this time small beads again, same for about 2 more time then i did a longer and deeper one.It was absolutely great, I was so worried about my arm that I didnt even think about her for about 30min!! I rubbed a little blood on the top of my hand so she would notice it when she stopped by. anyways she stopped by, i went out to her car and I said why, and started crying like an infant without a toy/bottle. she said please dont cry and I said I love you, i love you more than anything why cant u understand?? she said I love you too , which doesnt make sense to me since she broke up with me!! anyways I hugged her as tight as i could I didnt want to let go, to my surprise I tried to kiss her and she kissed me then kissed my neck and hugged me.

    I didnt want to ask why I just wanted to enjoy every second because it couldve been the last with her. I told her my plans and that she could take me wherever she wanted and I would apply to get a job. she then noticed the blood on my hand, i played it off and said what? and its nothing. then i said it was blood and she said what again like she didnt understand , i said its blood from me. and she started looking at my wrists and said where? I started crying again and pulled my my sleeve revealing 7 cuts to my arm. she looked at me and said I was stupid, and that was very dumb of me...and she was mad. I felt like my very own plan made things worse!! Anyways to cut it short because i am writing a very lot, in the car while we talked we both apologized I told her I would change and she said sorry for putting me through this. We are back together and she is still bothered by me hurting myself, I called her about 10min after she left and she was crying because of what I had done to myself. I apologized and said that pain was my only escape, and to keep her off my mind. we talked for awhile longer and ended this conversation with a happy I love you, I love you too ending. and here I am writing this because i feel bad that I have cut myself. but pain is my escape, my newly found escape. I dont believe I will do it again but no one knows the future. if anyones there or if you have even read this far, feel free to hit me with any questions, advice,help, or just simply talk to me because I have no one that I can talk to about my feelings, yes i have a mom and dad but I cant tell them about this. please someone talk to me...

    Im ending this with what I guess would be a poem? its my first attempt at any kind of writing, it was my true feelings last night and it just came out natural as I was writing it. love it or hate it, like it or dont like it let me know!!

    Pain is my escape
    Not drugs nor alcohol
    These cuts help me
    Why can't you understand?
    You hurt me,stabbed me in my heart
    This love is painful but I will endure
    For these cuts help me
    Not only to forget but to remind myself that I am alive
    Crazy or not you be the judge
    It is sad, yes.
    They say love makes you do crazy things but I have become crazy.
    My life revolves around a girl
    Beautiful she is but painful she can be
    She has hurt me for which I do not understand.
    It is okay because I know if I die today I once was with her and that is what matters.
    This world has nothing to offer me but pain and endless tears.
    This world is not for me.
    When I die I wish to become a bird
    Only then this pain will end
    I came into her life being a happy nice man yet I have become rude and not caring over time
    Why is this? I do not know
    While writing this I cry, tears of love...endless tears.
  2. Romancer

    Romancer Well-Known Member

    i dont want to reply to this, simply cause my answer wouldnt satisfy you. but i do think that youre keeping her to yourself, cause you need her more, and it's unfair. i'm sorry if that hurts, but as far as i can see, there are still problems, and by threatrning that you'll kill yourself or even start cutting just so she'll made a mistake, and you arent giving her much of a choice. i was in a situation like that, and it wasnt fair...the whole "i'm gonna kill myself, if you leave me", she's hurting too, just like you, and you need to have both of you in mind when you're making decisions like that.
    but anyway, i'm sorry to hear you started cutting. if you don't feel the need anymore, it's gonna be ok, and scars will heal.
  3. Aaron1

    Aaron1 New Member

    Thank you very much for taking the time to read my post and reply, since I posted this i called my gf and we talked about me cutting myself and she was really nice and caring this time around. I wont do it again, i dont think its worth it but I do believe it opened her eyes. I guess I came here just so I can talk to people, I have 2 friends and they arent close so i dont feel comfortable telling them personal info, only person I have to talk to is her. But I found this site and have read alot of really inspirational stuff. I know my situation is absolutely nothing compared to others tho. once again thanks for replying and reading all of what I have typed
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    do not use blackmail into getting your gf to stay with you. You really need to focus on getting well getting strong then your relationship with her lastly Get yourself to the point when she looks at you she see strength and stability okay. she cannot be your everything that will wear her down You need to get strong first and most take a break and get well.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.