I can't say I was brought up in a bad environment, I usually had everything I asked for which probably contributes to some of my depression. I'm 18 years old my dad left when I was 8 months and my whole life has tried to show me excuses of why he wasn't there and to try and show that he cares and has cared, since I was 13 I thought my mum was the bullshit artist (and she still is one), but I recently realized my dad is a bigger fuckwit, I know he didn't care and he left because he didn't want to deal with it. This hurts a lot from recently finding this out as my whole teenage years I looked up to him and wished I could have his mentality. I now know my mentality is less selfish and more giving which makes me feel at peace a bit with it. I've hurt myself once before and I'll admit now I just did then for the first time in 4 years, I can't stand my friends anymore I go out of my way 24/7 to help them all and they just ignore me, leave me for last and toss me to the side just like my mum does without realizing. I can't stand my mum or anyone who surrounds me because I predict their actions I know them that well now and I just have to sit back and watch it play out trying to prepare the best for the punch in the face they all aim my way. Over the years I thought I'd dealt with it pretty good, yes I thought about suicide countless times sometimes for days on end but I always pushed through, it's getting harder now as I get older and realize more everyday how the world is fucked, how I don't fit in, how predictable people are, how hard it is just deal with this bullshit and move on. I don't have anyone in my life I feel like can just talk to this shit about because they all have something to do with my depression and they would just sit there and defend themselves and try to convince me that they aren't the bad gay and most of the time that I am when all I try to do is do favors for people and make them feel good. I can honestly say I don't know someone who has gone put of their way to make me feel good for no reason, at least I can't recall, I can't say that it hasn't happened because I bet it has but never enough to be noticeable enough to remember. A lot of people will read this and think that I'm just whinging and don't have problems because I was never abused or wasn't brought up in a broken home. But I can tell you so far I don't trust anyone I feel depressed everyday and am constantly researching ways to commit suicide without extreme pain because I don't want to live anymore, I don't want to deal with this mental struggle. I came on this forums to find ways to deal with it better to find that reason of why I shouldn't try to escape this world I was never meant to belong too, and to express what I feel hopefully to someone who will actually acknowledge of the struggles me and people like me have to deal with everyday.