This pain is way to intense tonight... Why does it have to be this way? Why do i have to be the one who suffers so much? Why ? why do you not love me? Do you not know that is what would have made all the difference in the world? I cant deal with this emotional pain.. i cant deal with this physical pain.. There is no one there for me , no one... i am totally alone tonight... i cant do anything right.. i have tried.. Have i not tried to reach them? have i not tried to just reach anyone close to them? I dont want this.. i dont want this life anymore... i cant take this.. i am just too weak.. Why do they not care? why do they not love me? Do they not know my mind and spirit is in pain.. i want to mend the fences because unless i do that then i cant be right with god.. i am hurting so much that i want to scream it outloud yet it will go unheard.. yet my voice , my words will forever go unlooked upon.. pain is killing me inside of a slow death that i will no longer take anymore... i needed their forgiveness.. i needed my mind put at ease , yet it was undone, they did not care for me or love me.. if they had then i would have received a call from them.. i would have received a visit , yet i am unworthy of their love .. i am unworthy of anyones love.. i am nothing but a spirit that can not be loved.. God , why dont they love me? why dont they care? why can they not understand my pain? my spiritual pain? im dying.. i am dying and i cant get my spirit back into oneness with you because i cant be back into oneness with the daltons.. they hate me.. thats what it is.. they hate me.. God it hurts so much right now.. the more i write the harder the pain hits me... I want to come back to you God.. I want your forgiveness but i cant do that until i made it right with the daltons and i cant do that unless they ( the daltons ) are willing and im sorry .. God i am so sorry but i cant hold on anymore.. i cant fight it anymore... my life is useless... why did i not die the last time i attempted it...? You let me come back but you have let me suffer more and more and i cant do this anymore... I LOVE THEM... I LOVE THEM SO MUCH YET THEY DONT LOVE ME..... I HAVE HELT THEM DEAR TO MY HEART YET THEY COULD NOT EVER DO THAT WITH ME.. I let my niece use the computer and God you know that.. You see everything.. so why is it so hard for others to see the truth? Why give me this stupid cancer? Why allow satan to attack me like that? why dont you love me????? its not fair... You know im telling the truth.. you know i need to know what happened so i can make it right before i pass on yet you are allowing me not to do that.. you have given the daltons a hardened heart but why??? You allow me to feel the pain here.. the pain of others but why??? I cant help them.. i am simply just me... i cant help them... You can... You are the God of all and you can... You are the streangth.. I cant help them here.. i cant help myself... The pain and suffering... why put me through it all? You allowed JOB to go through it to test his strength but not all his life.. with me its been all of my life.. hardship after hardship , pain after pain, and i am simply tired of it... i cant do this anymore.. i am alone.. i am totally alone and in simply cant do it anymore... take this from me.. take it from me... cause i am no good here.. i cant help others here.. i cant get the daltons to even talk with me which means i am a bad person and not worthy of anything.. i give up.. i totally give up.. i cant fight this pain.. i cant even get the love from the daltons , a love that could save my life is not ever going to happen.. David and Elaine , dont love me... if they did , they would have been here. they would have cared.. there love would have made all the difference yet it doesnt matter now does it? it is done now... the pain will end soon... WHY COULDNT THEY JUST LOVE ME? WHY COULDNT THEY JUST CARE? WHY COULDNT THEY HAVE HELPED TO PUT MY MIND AND SPIRIT AT EASE? THEY JUST DONT CARE, THEY JUST DONT CARE.. THEIR LOVE WOULD HAVE MADE A DIFFERENCE IN THE FINAL OUTCOME BUT I WAS NOT WORTHY OF THAT AND NOW ITS OVER..