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Pain to the point of madness

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Menchi, Jul 20, 2009.

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  1. Menchi

    Menchi Well-Known Member

    Its been so long since i've been here, i thought that things had changed. You'd think moving away from everything that had hurt you for so many years would change things, but i'm certain now i'm mad, lonliness drives me insane i think. I feel like i'm hollow, like there isn't anything in me any more, but i know thats a lie too, because i know i need to change more, because making that space empty is not enough, it feels like i have to make the space fall in on itself, collapse on my heart, and break everything that is a part of me. It makes me giggle away in my head almost, how bad i feel, because i can't keep it in, and its so so much, it screams in my head, but i still feel like a shell. My head is telling me to rip myself apart piece by piece, then i can't be hollow, because there will be nothing to have emptiness inside it. Its easier to take apart my body than take apart my mind i guess, thats why i feel like i have to do something mad, i can't think right, i can't feel right, i feel like its all taking me, and that i should just have fun and give in to it all, give in to the pain. Lol, i can't even write straight, im trying to make sense, but it feels like each word comes faster after the last, and it just wants everything there, so i cant make it right, it just all comes out like a flood.

    I just want to be free.
  2. Menchi

    Menchi Well-Known Member

    sorry, i shouldnt be here really.
  3. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    hi menchi,
    you should be here,sharing your story with us.A lot of what you wrote struck home for me,as I feel that way so often.That freedom..it is what we are all striving for.Please feel FREE to post here anytime and never apologize for being brave enough to show us who you are.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I know exactly how you feel but we can't run from our feelings that is what i found out. I know the empty shell feeling as well like you have nothing left but pain pain pain. This too passes and then you feel numb again with no feelings. I hope you are seeing a therapist as talking sometimes helps I see mine tommorrow but we will see. My medication not working well thinking of weaning off it as i am very ill physically now. will talk with T tommorrow though I am glad you came here anytime you need to talk or vent lots of people here to support you okay Try to hang in there until you get your second wind each day at a time okay. take care
  5. Menchi

    Menchi Well-Known Member

    I'm not quite as bad this morning, feeling pretty low, but not how i was last night. It is mostly at night i end up falling so far, and i'm not really sure why.

    I think, i'm at my least safe when i get like that, which is why i try to drive myself to be sad at those times. If i just feel empty, or angry at myself for who i am, i can't stop myself from harming myself, and i can't get help, because i will push it away, and fight anything anyone has to say to stop me, but if i can make myself really upset, and start feeling again, i can stop and fall asleep crying, but without doing more damage to myself.

    I can't see a therapist, mostly because i'm in a different country now, since the last time i was really like this, i am not in the medical system as far as i know, and i can't afford one privately. They never really helped me anyway when i used to, because my feelings changed like this, when i was there, i was either sad but feeling, and could accept what they replied to me, but still not act on it, or i was empty and angry at myself, and anything they said i fought against, and it drove me to harm myself, because i know the person i am, and its not the person they think i am, or can be.
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