Pained and Vulnerable (abuse triggers)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ThePhantomLady, May 2, 2016.

  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Compared to the weekend this is nothing I suppose...

    But I'm just miserable.

    My sick back is acting up, being worsened by mother natures cure to most females... which in turn hurts in itself, and is causing me mood swings.

    I am just having some weird thoughts on top of it... I am listening to a Prince song called 'Free'. I listened to it a lot when I was working my way away from my 'ex' idiot who abused me and forced me into prostitution...

    It has some really powerful lyrics, to me at least... and in my world 'The lonely monster' became my ex...

    And slowly I clawed myself back to life from a zombie like state... a state where I mindless followed his orders, too tired to even question it inwardly... I didn't sleep for days... Late at night, on top of it all he made me work on a site where I had to talk to horny men with all sorts of weird ideas in their heads and entertain them for money...).

    I wasn't even a human being at that point... I was a robot... a slave... and still now he can instill fear in me.

    But I got out. Thanks to my amazing boyfriend. He truly saved my life, and he's build me up from the bottom. I am a person now. I am a woman who can think for myself, and no man has control of me... my boyfriend refuses to make any decision for me... he's the complete opposite of the idiot.

    I just hate that I allowed that to happen... That I let that lonely monster take control of me.

    And another thing... that time of the month always feels a little extra weird for me... (sorry if squeamish guys are reading along) but my period was irregular for years... I saw my doctor about it, had my hormones tested... I worried it was PCOS, but it wasn't... however my doctor told me when I was 20 that I might not be able to conceive, or at least struggle with it... Since I was very young I've had this big dream to have children... well, I haven't talked to a doctor about it since then... but currently I'm regular like clockwork... so it does make me hopeful...

    In a way I think my period might be a trigger too, from when I was raped at 13... I was late, and I was so worried I had become pregnant. (no one knew what had happened). It was a relief when I finally got it... but it had been weeks of bad dreams waking up feverish thinking I was pregnant or had a baby, or even miscarried. I can still remember a very vivid dream of that.

    Ah well. I'll survive, I guess. I just need to pig out on some ice cream and chocolate. Right?
    Xjaja75 likes this.
  2. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    You are right your ex boyfriend is an idoit who preyed on somebody who needed love an protection. I am however glad that you have found a man who sees your worth as a woman and is willing to work at the pace that you need to heal from your horrid past.

    I understand that the time of the month can play havoc on your emotions especially if you have those memory around it.

    I hope that you are able to be kind to yourself and look after yourself
    ThePhantomLady likes this.