I want this pain to stop so bad. I'm trying to hold it together. I'm scared of myself. Im such a fucking loser that I can't stand it. I talked with my therapist about how I'm doing. And I told her I was fine cause I didn't want her to put me on hold. I'm so close to breaking point. A few family members know what's going on. And they say I will get threw this and keep my chin up. But I tell them I'm fine. mom keeps trying to call but I regecting the call and say my phone is messing up. Cause she will know I'm not OK. I'm far from it. She wont hesitate to have a welfare check done on me. I have people here for me and to help me threw it and really do want to believe them. The person who has caused me this pain. I want them out of my head I want everything out of my head and the severe anxiety that is crushing my chest i can't even take in deep breaths to try and calm down some. I feel like I'm already dead inside. I'm thinking in many way of how to end it. But there is one thing I love the most in this world is my bird. That's the thread keeping me alive. She's 16 in July. Last couple of days I've not let her out. Have just uncovered her to where she can still she me.