Painful Confession: Please don't hate me for this!

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by StarFish, Dec 2, 2006.

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  1. StarFish

    StarFish Guest

    *Possible Trigger*

    Okay, this is a long read. But please try to bear with me. I need to talk to someone about this.

    When I was a child I was, like many people are, screwed up. I was adopted, didn't fit in with my adoptive family (although they were mostly loving) and was utterly miserable.

    I remember feeling suicidal as a child. I ate to comfort myself but there was no escape from the pain, the nightly nightmares, the fear.

    I was molested my an older female cousin, probably when I was about 7 or 8 but I blacked most of it out.

    Looking back I can see that I suffered from depression, anxiety and possible social anxiety disorder, although in the 70's those things weren't really known about.

    By the time I became a teenager things had only gotten worse. I was self harming (although I didn't know it was a psychological condition back then) and was desperate for attention. I craved it, as someone else might crave alcohol or a drug.

    So now I've given you a little background I'm going to plunge into the confession:

    When I was fifteen and in senior school there was a gentle, understanding woman teacher. I told her that my uncle had molested me. He had been inappropriate with me but not to the extent that I told this teacher. I know this is a horrible thing to do. Looking back I think deep down I was screaming out for help...even if it was a really stupid and manipulative way of doing it.

    Well, I didn't know about the law. Of course once I'd told her she was legally obligated to bring in the child protection people. They got involved, I felt horrified and trapped in my lie. I, again thought of suicide as a way out but couldn't do it. It was a nightmare. I tried to keep up the pretense and although I think they maybe doubted me but they never acused me of lying. Eventually they turned the matter over to my parents. I think my parents had some doubts too but never said anything.

    When I was 19 I was raped by an male ex teacher. It was beyond horrific. I told my Mum. Bless her, she did believe me, but I wouldn't go to the police because I didn't think anyone would believe me.

    Now I'm 33. It's 13 years on from the time I was raped at 19. I'm currently in the process of prosecuting the man who raped me. But, and I know this is all my fault for lying all those years ago, My Mum holds that lie over my head sometimes. She says she believes me that I was raped but I think she'd rather I didn't try to prosecute this man for raping me. When I told her about five months ago that I had decided to press charges she said that it would be a shame to bring it up after all this time.

    I don't know what else to say. Damn it I know it's my own fault and I'm terrified of back lash for admitting to this. But I'm so different now. I am so hard on myself now where lying is concerned and I try to the most authentic, honest and real person that I can be.

    But...Oh God, I'm never going to live this down will I? If my curent case goes to court they're going to drag all this up and hit me with it. They'll destroy me on the stand.

    This is also the reason I won't go back to England. For me England is nothing but pain, It's so hard knowing that I can never never live it down. No matter how changed I am, just knowing there are a whole community of people over there who will never think of me as anything but a.....I can't even think of a word bad enough for what they must think of me.

    I mean what5's the point? The evil man who raped me is gonna get off scott free and then he'll be just gloating about me for the rest of his and my life. I shoudl just give up.

    Okay, I'm done...Can';t write antymore.
     
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2006
  2. StarFish

    StarFish Guest

    I may take a break from SF.

    This is one time when I'm worried I've revealed too much. I guess...everyone has been so kind here but I just feel like you knew me in real life you might not like me as much. Feel like I'm waiting fior the other shoe to drop so to speak. I'm just waiting for someone to reject me.

    aaaahhhh, now I'm sounding like a...comfort me, give me attention idiot.
    Y'know what. Don't even answer this. Please ignore this thread. I can't do this anymore.
     
  3. Asmoday

    Asmoday Active Member

    The incident with your uncle and the incident with your ex teacher are totally different. It seems to me that you want your ex teacher to get punished but you feel guilty for the lie you told about your uncle so you're punishing yourself by not allowing your ex teacher to get punished. Although you say what you told about your uncle was a lie, you said he was inappropriate with you. I know it's still wrong to lie but rape is way more wrong. It can't even be compared. If you have already decided to prosecute your ex teacher, I think you shouldn't change your mind just because you lied about something else in the past.

    If some of the words I used seem a little weird, that's because English is not my native language :)
     
  4. LSD

    LSD Well-Known Member

    ~ everybody makes mistakes-- its part of being human
    agree with osmoday you should go and demand that person,, no matter how many years passed its still not something good to do.-- after all that demaning stuffs end, moving could be a good option to start a new live and forget about the past..- maybe
     
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Starfish, I don't think any less of you for revealing what you did. It takes courage to admit you lied about your your uncle. And even though you exaggerated the extent to which he was inappropriate with you, the fact still remains that he was. It is not always the severity of the abuse that causes the damage. Sometimes it is the fact that it happened at all. You are welcome to stay here as long as you would like starfish. Please do not feel you have to go because you have spoken what is on your mind. Everyone has things they wish they would have done differently at one time or another. Take care hun. :hug:
     
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Star, for the love of God cut yourself some slack. As children we often do things that we look back on with horror; been there worn the T-shirt. One of the things we have to do as adults is to learn to forgive ourselves.
    If your child did this would you not forgive them ????!!! Then forgive your child, the child inside of you.

    As to prosecuting the raping bastard..nail him and nail him good. How will the defence know anything about the childhood lie? I can't see how they can rake that up to discredit you, who would tell them about it?

    Your mum, like a lot of the older generation is thinking let sleeping dogs lie, it's like the old saying 'you made your bed now lie in it'. That was the way people used to think, but you have to do whats best for you and I get the feeling that you need to prosecute this bastard just to get some closure.

    Please forgive yourself and don't start thinking we're all sitting here thinking bad thoughts..you were a child thats it.
     
  7. StarFish

    StarFish Guest

    I'm sorry for over-reacting.

    Thanks everybody for the kind replies. I agree with you all. There's a lot of wisdom in what you all said. I think you're right. I shouldn't just give up. I guess I'm just tired, frightened and overwhelmed.

    Dev, you're right. I am too hard on myself. You're not the first person to have said it. Thanks for reminding me to cut myself some slack. It's good for me to hear it :)

    Uh...I still may take a couple of days off from SF though. I'm just so emotionally and physically exhausted. I can barely do the housework and take care of my precious kids. My poor Hubby is doing almost everything. I'm sleeping way too much. I just can't cope or focus properly on things. Maybe it's just depression and the usual seasonal SAD stuff on top of this legal process.

    I love you all. I'll let you know when I get back. Dev, take care sweetie. Hugz.
     
  8. scared_child

    scared_child Account Closed

    hey, starfish, I want to tell you that I think your mom is a complete bitch. And I know that its mean to say that, because she IS your mom. But, the thing is, anyone that tells you not to report it, doesnt know what they are talking about. She said not to report it, and she should have said that she would support you in whatever you do, thats what my dad did for me. And the worst part is my dad knows and trusted the person that raped me. But, he still supports me in turning him in, Which is exactly what your mom should have done. Wishing you much luck, Songie
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 6, 2006
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