Painful headaches drive me insane

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by rv498, Feb 13, 2012.

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  1. rv498

    rv498 Well-Known Member

    You could say mind is the center of your whole being. I ve been depressed since I was 15 (now 39) and the situation escalated from endurable to feeling like immersed in boiling water. I've been in the mental ward 4 times in my life (3 of them a year ago). I can't take meds any more cuz they tend to make my liver go bad. So only help I get is talking with a psychologist and a social worker. I can not find solution to this terrible, life-threatening mental illness. My main problem is social anxiety. I can't stand people no matter who they are. Imagine being intensely nervous all day long when you are with other people. I'm trapped because since we are social beings, being alone, though feels better, depresses me more. I walked 9 miles today. I am not into self-cutting but when I start to feel physical pain while I walk, I tend to get high and actually enjoy the pain. That's why I didn't stop at 4 miles even though that's when pain started. I just wish that I would die while I walk. I don't know whether that's even possible since I am not running. I know of a person who died in his early age while running. I can't run, I used to run, but for some reason this psychosomatic symptom locks up my legs when I try to run. I have 2 good friends. I have maybe 3 acquiantences. They know I am depressed and wish they could help me. I wish they could. You are really alone in this life. Nobody can live your life for you. It pisses me off because we only get to live once and I have to suffer through it, can't stand it. But I am a coward and can never put a bullet in my brain. I wish I could. Really..what's the point, right? You struggle, you get sick, you die. End of story. ..and don't start preaching to me about religion. I hate religion. all that self-denial thing and asceticism make me wanna curse God. I used to be an ardent follow but all I got at the end was anti-social behavior and limiting one's pleasures in life. I worked my ass off all my life and literally sick and tired of manual labor. I was in the Army for six, went to Bosnian war, was a fedex driver for 10 years, now I am back to school. I went to university before when I was 17. This never ending cycle of studying hard and working hard....Sometimes I thought about just drop everything and be homeless. I'm tired of this social system that keeps you as a slave without chains until you die or decrepit. I've been married 11 years and she's a good person but I can't stand her. We have nothing in common. I have a six year old daughter. Fortunately she didn't inherit any of my mental disorders. Chopin, Mozart, Schubert, Mendelssohn, they all died in their 30s. Jesus died in His 30s. I'm 39. I lived long enough. Please take me away. I wish I can hire somebody to kill me. Yeah maybe I am selfish for not thinking about my family. But really, who is not selfish? People are selfish because each person has different needs. This is my first time here and hopefully I am not violating any rules for writing like this. Hope they understand writing helps. See ya soon.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I hope writing and venting helped you, even if it's just a little. You didn't violate anything by writing here, and I hope you come back. It might help you to connect with some people, make some online friends, have people to talk to.
     
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