painful memories.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by sexuallyconfused, Nov 14, 2009.

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  1. sexuallyconfused

    sexuallyconfused New Member

    I am in such a strange place right now, and I've never had an outlet like this website before. I hope it helps my options are getting limited. I have so many things that have been weighing on me over the last year that I feel like I am nearing an emotional breakdown. I can say, that even though the self pain infliction thoughts are back they are not to a place where I would be concerned for what I may do to myself. For some reason things I thought I had gotten past I am now feeling all over again. I am feeling so much from my past, I'm feeling so much from my present time. It makes me feel really alone, or it will even cause me to feel nothing at all. I am in high confusion of my emotions, and I need a place where I can turn a place where no one knows me - a place where no one is going to tell me that I'm messed up, or that something is wrong with me. I just need a place to process my emotions. I hoping having a place to be myself and talk, even just one place in the world where I can be accepted.

    **I really am having [I don't want this to trigger anyone or anything but I really need to get it out]. I know what's happened to me is not nearly as bad as what has happened to other people. I understand that, and because I understand that I have repressed emotions, thoughts, happenings of most of the first 17 years of my life. throughout the last few years I have come to grasp most of the things that have happened, abusive father, relationship rape [this is how I explain the times when your dating someone and they have sex with you regardless of what you want], the man that stalked me, my mother that abandoned me for a boyfriend, the weight of having 2 sisters that still live with my mother - my mother telling me that my father never beat me, even though the doctors, the rest of my family, and even I can remember, because my mother has even repressed those memories. It has all trickled back - slowly, trickled back. Consumed my being. I have the ultimate betrayal of a partner. I have regained these memories [I don't know how else to put it] and filed each one neatly like paperwork. But now that i have regained these images, slides of my life if you will - I want to be able to move forward from it. I feel depression - fatigue, loss of interest - I feel myself pushing people away further and further, even my family.

    I have had some changes in the last 12 months as well, which is what is causing this. I had sobered up for a while, and quit drinking - over the last year It has inched into my life again - the last time I quit I did it cold turkey - just took it away. Now that is back I feel like I need to go to an AA meeting or something for the support, but AA really does not seem like the right fit for me. Also in the last 12 months I cam out - I am an open bisexual. It is hurtful the way that I am treated as a bisexual - The "straight" people don't like me because I tend to sleep with the same sex and occasionally date opposite sex, and the "gays" don't like me because I do date the opposite sex. I lost a lot of friends by coming out, and in my area there really isn't a big option of "Gay Bars" or anything, and of course we don't have a place where everyone could just get along do we? Of Course not.

    I do have to say starting to vent and get this out has brought me up a little. I feel liberated. I needed a place to be free.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 14, 2009
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are safe here no one judges you or makes you feel small. No one will throw your feelings aside This place is a safe place with supportive people You are NOT ALONE anymore okay. Please continue to post vent the pain out because i know it works I too have done this and continue to do it. Getting the pain out of your head and on the screen or paper helps as it is no long building up inside. I am sorry your life has been hell and i do hope you can get some therapy to help you with all this trauma. Talk therapy with a psychologist really works someone that deals with trauma I am glad you can feel free to post here and i know you will find this is truly a safe place I was so frightened at first so much pain but i know they won't hurt me here no one has Hope you find the peace i have found here and i do hope you can get a therapist as well as it will take time to heal your pain but it is doable.
  3. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    Well welcome to SF :), to an extent I can relate to what you're going through. I'm gay myself so I know how extremely judgemental nearly every person you meet can be(That's the first time I have ever mentioned I was gay...even on the computer :unsure:). Of course I'm 'closet gay' so no one in real life actually knows I'm gay, the thought of losing what little amount of friends I have at the moment is nearly unbearable.

    I hope you feel welcome and see ya round :)
  4. sexuallyconfused

    sexuallyconfused New Member

    I appreciate everyone. & LongRoad95, thank you for coming out - it is a huge step even if it is online - I am telling you I was concerned about my friends, but I kept way more than I would have thought - but unfortunately I'm "damaged" so I don't have many friends I trust. Even one person to talk to makes me feel better. I just feel so alone. I found out my x-girlfriend and someone whom I am close to is dating again, and it makes me "want" to cut. to put it bluntly, I used to, and I haven't in a long time. but I don't know. I know I won't but I don't know how to work past it. I am working on it. but eh, it's so frustrating..:poo:
  5. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Welcome to sf. You may want to post to a diary here on the forum. I'm finding it to be helpful for me.

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