I am painfully alone in the world. I can't tell anyone how I feel or what I am going through. It's been this way for years. I used to have a best friend who was just as miserable as I am, but she's happy now. It was our connection. Yeah, it was disturbing, but wonderful because I felt connected to someone. I have mixed feelings about it. I am glad that she's happy now, but I also feel that she has somehow abandoned me. Everyone else in my life couldn't possibly comprehend the way I am. Suicidal thoughts are "so serious", self injury is "omg, such a big deal!" I'll get written off as a loon before I even open my mouth. It's not fair. I want help, but I am beyond help. I'm so fucked up. I am so off. I live to watch "Big Brother" and take care of my dogs. Those are my reasons. I don't want to explore my interests, I don't want to see my loved ones, I don't want to do ANYTHING but die. It's not situational, either, which is why I feel especially hopeless. I have everything in the world going for me (or so they say). I have plenty of resources, I excell in school, and I have a decent family. What the hell else do I want? It's ME that's screwed up. I am so wrong inside and I want out of myself. My mind is hell. I don't see the point in living much longer. Am I going to kill myself today? No. But I have it all calculated in my head, which makes me so much crazier. I find HAPPINESS in the thought of ending my life. How insane is that? How insane am I? I keep trying to convince myself that I'm okay and not crazy, but do you guys think I'm crazy? I am not sure anymore. I don't believe I am, but all the evidence points elsewhere. Which brings me back to my main point - I am alone, alone and imprisoned in my mind. And no one understands.