Painfully alone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by purplefizz, Sep 9, 2008.

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  1. purplefizz

    purplefizz Senior Member

    I am painfully alone in the world. I can't tell anyone how I feel or what I am going through. It's been this way for years. I used to have a best friend who was just as miserable as I am, but she's happy now. It was our connection. Yeah, it was disturbing, but wonderful because I felt connected to someone. I have mixed feelings about it. I am glad that she's happy now, but I also feel that she has somehow abandoned me.

    Everyone else in my life couldn't possibly comprehend the way I am. Suicidal thoughts are "so serious", self injury is "omg, such a big deal!" I'll get written off as a loon before I even open my mouth. It's not fair. I want help, but I am beyond help. I'm so fucked up. I am so off.

    I live to watch "Big Brother" and take care of my dogs. Those are my reasons. I don't want to explore my interests, I don't want to see my loved ones, I don't want to do ANYTHING but die.

    It's not situational, either, which is why I feel especially hopeless. I have everything in the world going for me (or so they say). I have plenty of resources, I excell in school, and I have a decent family. What the hell else do I want? It's ME that's screwed up. I am so wrong inside and I want out of myself. My mind is hell.

    I don't see the point in living much longer. Am I going to kill myself today? No. But I have it all calculated in my head, which makes me so much crazier. I find HAPPINESS in the thought of ending my life. How insane is that? How insane am I?

    I keep trying to convince myself that I'm okay and not crazy, but do you guys think I'm crazy? I am not sure anymore. I don't believe I am, but all the evidence points elsewhere.

    Which brings me back to my main point - I am alone, alone and imprisoned in my mind. And no one understands.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Purplefizz,
    I think inside of you is a kind person. I have read your posts and could feel the concern you offer to each person you talk to. I don't think your crazy!! It sounds to me like you need a physical hug from someone you care for.
    Maybe you need to move away from your family so you can learn how to be more indipendant. You can let your family know where you are and that you need a little space.
    Maybe go back to school and earn another degree!! You can meet knew friends there. Well good luck and stay strong!!:chopper:!!
  3. purplefizz

    purplefizz Senior Member

    I know this will totally wash away any credibility I had, but I'm a high school student. I'm ready for the "life will get better" spiel. I've heard it before.

    I can't believe only one person replied to my post. I appreciate it, Stranger1, but seriously, I had the least number of replies on the whole page. Do I need to threaten to kill myself to get any attention around here? Well, I'm not going to. Not today or tomorrow, probably not even next week. So there! Maybe I don't belong here, either.

    I'm currently contemplating skipping school. I'm so tired and sad, I don't know if I can hanlde it. I want it all to go away. :sad:
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Go to school and talk to someone about how you're feeling purplefizz. Whether its one of your friends or even a teacher or counselor. Just let someone know. :hug:
  5. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    HELL[//i] no it doesn't harm your credibility. I was like that in HS and this tendancy to isolate yet feel desperately alone has continued with me as well.

    SUCKS FUCKING ASS, doesn't it -the bubble syndrome?

    Goddamn I've been that way all my life, always feeling as if outside a bubble, unable to make vital emtional connections, let alone to PERCHANCE receive real, life-giving hugs from a live human being.

    I won't tell you what you do to get help and here's why. You've heard all before. Therapy. HS couselor. Fuck that shit. Give it a try if you're a mind to Fizzy.

    But the purpose of THIS post to inform you you are not the only one in pain.

  6. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    No, you are not crazy. Loneliness can cause severe distress.
    And its fair to want some attention.

    Can you tell us some more about yourself and your situation?

    I know it can feel a bit shameful talking about your weaknesses and problems, and there is also the fear of being labelled a "loon." But in a place like this at least you can be fairly confident you won't be judged.
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Purplefizz,
    Give the forum a chance. People are always slow to answer. They have jobs and other reasons to be slow getting back to you. I thought the same as you when I first joined, then dazzle straightened me out(in a nice way).
    How old do you have to be where you live to become an immancepated child? My daughter did that when she was 16. She always had a temper. and when she was 13 she moved out of her moms house into a foster home. She bounced around to a couple of homes until she was 16 then she got her own apartment. I had her here with me a couple of times and she kept running away so I would ship her but back to her mom. I was concerned when she would run away because this town has alot of transients going thru here and I knew she was in danger so I had no choice but to send her home and she would pull different shit on her mom so she would boot her out on the street.
    I know you are having different problems but thought this would give you some room for thought!! Take Care and Stay Safe!!!:chopper:!!!
  8. onenineteen

    onenineteen Antiquities Friend


    I know where you're coming from. I feel alone, inside is only desolation. I make a very handsome IT salary and I have children who need me. Some say I would have it all but take a closer look and you will see it's nothing but despair. I talk to people every day but I feel so alone. I cancelled going to a depression support group today because I know I would just sit quietly while everyone else would talk and feel better. I can't feel better. I plot my suicide.

    Feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    We have many high school students as members on the forum. Many are wise beyond their years. Depression and suffering knows no age. I am sorry you felt your post wasn't replied to soon enough. This is a large forum and people do mthe best they can to navigate through things and answer the ones they feel they can. Some peoplke may view the thread and not quite know what to say so they don't post. I hope things do change for you soon. Have you sought any type of terapy or medical help? It may or may not benefit you. Please take care. :hug:
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Purplefizz,
    I hope the posts that are coming in are helping you!! I just want you to know we care what happens to you so don't be afraid to open up and tell us what all is happening with you!! No one here knows who you are, so let us help!! Take Care!!:chopper:!!
  11. SavedByGrace

    SavedByGrace Member

    Trust me, I know what it's like to feel so alone and want to die. But one thing that helps me is to get outside of my own head. I tend to focus too much on me (as I am doing right now), and not enough on other people. Try to find ways to help and encourage others. It will make a world of difference.
  12. purplefizz

    purplefizz Senior Member

    I really had no right to say that. I was projecting my anger. I'm sorry.

    I feel horrible that you guys are so nice. People are always so nice to me, and I give them nothing in return. After skipping school yesterday, people were so welcoming. They said they missed me, yada ya. It just makes the guilt much worse.

    I was in therapy for a while when I was 15-16 (I am 17 now, soon to be 18). I threatened to kill myself and my mom took me in 2 days later. The therapist was a kind lady, but ultimately, I don't feel that she helped. I am a private person, so I did not open up to her entirely and I felt vulnerable when we went too deep. I feel like I fooled her. I pretended that I was less depressed than I was. I also told her that I didn't really want to kill myself, and just said that. I pretended my anxiety was not as bad as it was because I was embarrassed. I lied about my eating disorder, to make her think I was getting better. I also did not open up to her about things that happened in my past.

    I stopped taking my medication, then stopped going to therapy, all under the facade that I was "cured".

    I'm amazed that I still have everyone fooled. I AMAZE myself. It's good in some respects, but it's also unreal. I'm a really good liar, I guess.

    I can't stop thinking about how helpless and hopeless I feel. It's agonizing. I can't escape. As I can see from other posts, the feelings do not always disspiate. Most people on this forum are dealing with similar pain, and have been for many years. I don't know how everyone takes it for so long.
  13. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Did it occur to you that if you keep hearing something over and over, it might be true? The reason people tell you that is because they've been through similar situations themselves. I don't think you're a fool because you're in high school. You sound like you have a better grasp on things than I had when I was in high school, in fact.

    But the truth is that things really can get better. And the fact is that you are still young. When I'm at my lowest, I never think things can get any better but I have had better periods of time in my life so I know it is possible.
  14. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Damn fine post. *thumbs up* :)
  15. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello purplefizz

    I agree with Random, things can get better but you have to put in the effort.
    Please go back to therapy and take your medication. Fooling everyone with how you feel is actually only you fooling yourself, because at the end of the day its you that is still suicidal and suffering. Please get the help you need.If you need to talk feel free to PM me :hug:
  16. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    Its ok. I felt more a sense of despair and frustration in your words rather than anger.

    I understand. Its a bit of a vicious circle. You don't feel able to express yourself properly, and beat yourself up when you fail to reciprocate the kindness of others. Its not that you don't want to, its just hard.

    Its a real dilemma. If you have social anxiety sitting face to face with a therapist being forced to open up can be absolute torture. Its a bit like pushing someone who has a fear of flying onto a plane and just saying face your fear.
    Naturally it can feel so unpleasant you will do anything to escape, such as lying about being just fine, and not requiring any further help.
    I'm not sure how to get around that. Sometimes you just have to perservere and try to battle against your own nature and your own feelings of fear and shame. I think it is often the shame part which is the most crippling.

    Sometimes you can find ways to temporarily mask the pain or distract yourself from your problems, like throwing yourself into study, work and/or a hobby. But in the end the only way to really move forward is to face your fears head on. If you are feeling extremely depressed and suicidal this is something you really need help with.

    Do you think you would be able to face a therapist again? It might become easier for you if you practise expressing your feelings in a safe, anonymous online forum like this.
  17. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Crazy? Maybe you are crazy, but not more than me, not more than anyone else here, not more than anyone in this world. The whole world is crazy, so what? See if you can be happy with that.
    About loneliness? It can be very painfull, I know... Thinking of the things you can have but you dont , thinking of friends that cant understand you, thinking of happiness, but also asking in the same time: What was that? What is happiness? I dont remember... At least, this is how I feel...
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