Pam Ayres Strikes Again!

Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by Terry, Feb 10, 2015.

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  1. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    For anyone not in the know, Pam Ayres is a comic poet from Devon.
    This is her latest:


    The missus bought a Paperback,
    down Shepton Mallet way,
    I had a look inside her bag;...
    T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

    Well I just left her to it,
    And at ten I went to bed.
    An hour later she appeared;
    The sight filled me with dread.

    In her left hand she held a rope;
    And in her right a whip!
    She threw them down upon the floor,
    And then began to strip.

    Well fifty years or so ago;
    I might have had a peek;
    But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
    She's eighty four next week!!

    Watching Mabel bump and grind;
    Could not have been much grimmer.
    And things then went from bad to worse;
    She toppled off her Zimmer!

    She struggled back upon her feet;
    A couple minutes later;
    She put her teeth back in and said
    "I am a dominator!!"

    Now if you knew our Mabel,
    You'd see just why I spluttered,
    I'd spent two months in traction
    For the last complaint I'd uttered.

    She stood there nude and naked
    Bent forward just a bit
    I went to hold her, sensual like
    and stood on her left tit!

    Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
    My God what had I done!
    She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
    "Step on the other one!!"

    Well readers, I can tell no more;
    Of what occurred that day.
    Suffice to say my jet black hair,
    Turned fifty shades of grey!!

  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    X rated!! Hahahaha this is quite hilarious :)
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

  4. wjw

    wjw New Member

    Hello I noticed a mention of god towards the bottom of your post. Would you happen to have any information on god and suicide ? Im new to this forum if im in the wrong place im sorry im trying to learn how to navigate around the site and where to post what etc. thank you in advance for your patients
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Terry, where do you find these gems? So funny! :rofl:
  6. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Hahaha! Gotta love good old Pam!
  7. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member


    I was feeling pretty crappy, but I must say, that did make me a laugh.

    wjw, there really is no faith section of this forum, but you could create a group, or focus your attention on the "Food For Thought" thread here in soap box section; it brings me comfort. I just didn't want your serious question to go unnoticed, because this was a joke thread.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 11, 2015
  8. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter


    Hahaha, very funny, indeed.
    As a matter of fact,
    I think I peed. :grey:
  9. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Oh dear, thank you haha this is brilliant.
  10. Nev

    Nev New Member

    Keeping the poetry going, I heard this on the radio the other day. It is by Matt Harvey who is another comic poet.
    Works perks ...

    ... it's just a little thing,
    I wouldn't call it pilfering
    Or petty theft. I took one, yes
    But look - there are so many left.
    I'm in on time. I smile, work hard.
    Why should my conscience twitch or flinch?
    Each working week you take a yard,
    So why begrudge me my half-inch?

    You take the best hours of my day
    What do you give me? Take-home pay.
    I'm so tired I can hardly speak
    You take the best days of my week.
    You take the best weeks of my month
    I take some paper, this hole-punch.
    You take the best months of my year
    I take this swivel-chair. Oh dear.
    You take the best years of my life ...
    ... a laminator for the wife

    So now please look the other way -
    I need my little takeaway
    To give myself a token raise
    To supplement my take-home praise

    Some get to meet celebrities
    Or go on junkets overseas
    I'm simply taking some of these -
    Some paper clips, some folder files
    A Pritt Stick, stapler, carpet tiles
    Some Tipp-Ex, a waste-paper bin
    This thing for putting thingies in
    This ream. Okay this box of reams
    This laptop ...
    ... well, you take my dreams

    How did ever come to this?
    My perky chirpy perquisites
    Have been turned into exhibits -
    These trinkets I gave house-room to:
    Exhibits 'A' to 'W'

    Don't ask what reason or what rhyme
    Drove pretty me to petty crime
    Nobody's perfect
    I guess it built up over time
    Because I'm worth it <
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