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panic and not trusting anyone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ijos, Oct 18, 2015.

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  1. Ijos

    Ijos Member


    Not sure if someone will even reply to this. My mother both physically and mentally abused me and my father never stopped it, also because of that I ended up in a few nasty situations as a young adult and I got raped while being locked up in an apartement until I managed to escape really early in the morning. I am much older now and learnt to deal with ( sort of). It didn't help that my ex and the father of my children used to blame me for the abuse as a kid and especially the rape was my own fault for being naive etc. I know why do you stay with someone like that?, well if you don't have a good reference of how someone that really loves you should behave... My tolerance or acceptance level of abnormal behaviour was initially quite high due to having an abusive mother and especially my father not doing anything and with that confirming to me that it was acceptable.
    I was suicidal for a long time, but because of my own children I tried to get rid of this feelings. I did this by just shutting down any emotions as much as possible and it worked well for a good amount of years. Recently I met a guy and he is really gentle and it is comfortable to talk to him, but I was going to cut him off until one of my friends said that I should just keep talking and see. I did and eventually we got really close and because I am older now I am really trying to give him a chance and not let my fear take over that he will upset or hurt me after I start trusting him.

    Howver because I feel so happy with him , my emotions are coming back , but not only the happy good ones and I am getting a lot of flashbacks and scared feelings aswell. I had just turned off all emotions before and now it is all coming back , also the negative ones. I can put them in perspective and deal with it most of the time, but last night I suddenly got this fear that it won't last and he will hurt me eventually and disappear. I know this is illogical and even if he does disappear it is part of normal life, those things happen...but when I told him, his response was that he got really upset that I don't trust his feelings for me. He then later replied that it really upset him and he actually felt like walking away right now.

    That reaction only confirmed my illogical fears and now I feel terrible and in a stressed panic and feel like running away myself and shut down emotions again. I don't want to do this.

    Today I feel really sad and panicky and I feel like telling him and asking him just to hold me, but I am worried it will move him even further away and he will misunderstand. I am also really bad at talking about my experiences as I don't want to come across as an attention whore or that people think I am exagerating. In a way I think it would help if I told him about my experiences, but I am also terrified he will think I am making it up or exagerating.

    My symptoms are that I have severe anxiety for people physically torturing me and related to that I don't trust anyone emotionally either. It is really messed up, but because every person that abused me was caring and nice to me at times and I link the 2 ...

    What can I do? How do I solve this, deal with this? I don't want to loose him, but these fears I have, have made him very upset for not trusting him, which I also understand.

    I hope someone finds the time to answer , because at the moment I really don't feel good.
  2. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Ijos, Someone has found the time to answer and more will , I am sure, I am not sure if I am the right person to answer you right now but I will try as best I can for now! I started reading your story and I started crying, but that is my issue , I am here to help if I can with yours. I am sorry for what you have gone through, first by your parents then by your abuser and it seems your ex as well. none of the abuse was in any way your fault, you were the Victim in every instance. You were first Victimized by the very people that were supposed to love and protect you to keep you safe and from harm, first your mother with abuse then your father by his Apathy and neglect! then by the rapist, it does not matter if you were naive or any other reason what happened was wrong by any standard, your ex it was a repeat of verbal abuse and just plain ignorance by someone that said they loved you! I do not fault you for your lack of trust. I am glad you did have at least one friend that I believe gave you some good advice, it sounds like you are willing to take a chance, a risk, I certainly don't feel that you are vying for attention, I do want to welcome you here to SF, I think you can certainly build some trust along with people that are here for you, they will be willing to spend time in this safe environment you I believe Will Never be judged of looked down upon, here we care and will give you I feel, what you are looking for and the help to go on I think with your life! Welcome Ijos relax here and rest get to know the people here, we have forums that you can read and discuss, Take care of Yourself and feel welcome!
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Rape is never ever ever the victims fault. If someone cannot control themselves to not rape someone, they are beyond help and they are repulsive, disgusting vile. NEVER the victims fault. I used to think like that though ''maybe if i wasn't dressed like that'' etc etc.. but no it is never the victims fault. They need reporting and have them face the wrath of the law. Bet they will feel ''sorry'' then.

    Your new boyfriend sounds just lovely, he is what you need in your life, a positive influence! You may have scared him a little by coming on too strong by the past but he will get over that soon and hopefully ye can be happy together.

    Regarding the flashbacks, I'm no doctor but I have the same and that sounds like post traumatic stress disorder, dunno if you have heard of that before, if not google if your friend. I hope your new found love stays with you and supports you because you deserve that and also being naive does not excuse rape, if you're going to try and deal with it alone you must accept it was NOT your fault and never will be!

    Big hugs to you my friend (hugs)
  4. Ijos

    Ijos Member

    Hi, thank you for reading my post and finding the time to answer it.

    I still feel very bad and he hasn't said much all day while he normally is a very chatty person. I've send him a message, but I don't want to be in his face . I actually think that I probably already messed up and it's hurting and only reconfirmed my feelings that when I am being honest with someone I care about it only backfires....

    I feel really bad at the moment and feel like jumping out of the window just to finally get peace and not have this fear and the pain that comes with it. I don't want to do that, because I love my children and don't want to upset them.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am sure your children love you as much as you love them, treat them the way you wished you were treated as a child, shower them with love, jy and peacefulness.

    As for your boyfriend, perhaps he just needs a small break to take it all in, from what you have said he sounds like a nice guy that has huge respect for you. I hope he comes round soon, think you should send him that text, best of luck to you and you are welcome hun x
  6. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    Hi Ijos, I know that when you are hurt by so many people it starts to feel like there is something wrong with you or that you deserve to be hurt, but you don't. You are a good person who had the bad luck to have a lot of assholes stumble into your life, this is not your fault, this was bad luck. Please remember you are good, compassionate person who is loved, cared about, and needed, both by your family and friends and the people here.
  7. Ijos

    Ijos Member


    Thanks for replying and trying to comfort me. It didn't help much, but the fact that you tried did help a little.
    I feel a bit better now, but today was a really rough day, I felt very scared, because of all the flashbacks and it's not so much the actual memories of the events, but the memories of the intense feelings of fear and pain that stay very vivid when they come back.

    I can turn off thinking about the events, but that horrible feeling of fear and pain stays and it refuses to go, I seem to have so little control over it.

    Going for a run in the fields helps sometimes or hiding ( I used to hide in a shed sometimes that nobody ever entered, but I haven't done that for awhile as I don't have the key anymore and I used to have the keys of my sister's 1 bedroom apartment that she didn't use, but that apartment is also gone).
    It was more hiding from people, not wanting to see any people and have some peace, being able to relax.

    I enjoy being on my own as it helps me feel relaxed, but today I didn't have the energy to go for a run and no place to hide and relax and that makes it very difficult to get rid of that horrible feeling of fear and pain. I do feel better now, but it is probably going to linger around for a couple of days.

    Also, in the end I haven't told him about how I felt today as I am somehow afraid to scare him away more, even if it doesn't make sense to think that.
    I did send a message that I could use a hug right now, but he didn't reply to that and that made me decide I shouldn't make things too heavy and deal with it myself.
    We talked a bit this evening and he seems ok and yes he is really a gentle person. I should remember that I feel this intense fear, but it has nothing to do with him.
    He is not my past, and I know that very well, but that feeling of fear and pain haunts me from the past sometimes and I hate it. Thankfully it doesn't happen that often anymore and I think it happened now because I am really starting to care about him and that makes me feel very happy, but also vulnerable.
    Yes I can think about it logically and reason with myself and that does help sometimes, but it takes at least a day and usually a couple of days before it is gone again. The only thing that worries me is that one day I will be too emotional or too hurt and do something to myself at that moment just to have peace of this feeling of total panic, fear and pain and I don't want to, but when I feel this way it drains all of my energy.

    Anyway, I do feel a bit better now and thank god I am a bit older and can put things in perspective and I am still strong enough to just let it happen and get through it as I know it passes.

    Writing things down on this forum helps and I really do find it comforting that you replied as total strangers.
  8. Ijos

    Ijos Member

    When I had my first son that used to worry me that I might be like my mother, but that never happened. My mother is mentally ill and when I accepted that it also made me feel less angry with her.
    My eldest son is an adult now, but when my children were growing up I also made sure when things got bad for me that I looked after myself more, as I didn't want them to get hurt.
    I am definitely not perfect, but I feel both my children love me and they know I will do anything for them and will do my best to help them where I can.
  9. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    I wanted to see where you are an to let you know, we are still here for you, just because! None of us are perfect, I am glad to see that you know your children love you, some people seem to forget how important that is an remember that too late. You might not need us at the moment, we are still here if you need us! Take care an be gentle to yourself!
  10. Ijos

    Ijos Member


    Thanks for checking on me, it's very kind.
    I'm not doing great at the moment, but I'm going to try not to think to much about how I feel and focus on other people that need help and support to distract myself. It also makes me feel better myself seeing at least other people a bit happier
  11. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Thats is what we do, we check on each other, I am sorry that you are not doing well, I would be available to talk, You need to take care of your Needs before you deal with your wants, it is you choice in any event, do what you will! We do Care about you! I will even give unsolicited opinions! I won't even charge you for them! welcome back, it is good to see you! Take care of yourself! Be Gentle on yourself too@
  12. Mircea

    Mircea Member

    Well, reading this refueled my hate for this world for the rest of the night. I'm sorry that you are having to go through such issues... even more sad how many countless cases like yours there are out there.

    In any case, for different although relatable reasons, trust is a foreign concept to me as well. Sometimes I can't even stand someone implying that I should trust others... feels like they're unwillingly trying to make fun of me. I seek to isolate myself from the world as much as possible, although society seems to be set on dragging me into things regardless.

    Personally, I wish everyone in the world could have an indestructible underground bunker from which they never had to go out, with means to have food / electricity / water / etc in it. Sadly that's for a world with ideal possibilities, not this one. Beyond that thought, I don't have ideas on how to work around this unfortunately :(
  13. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Mircea, I can not speak for her, I do believe, that people can help themselves by expressing what and how they feel at certain times of their lives, I believe she is going through some of that now, life is up and down the only problems come in is when you are depressed during those times. I see that you speak of hate, I feel it is good to talk about that, I will not ask you to trust me or anyone else here for that matter, just listening sometimes can be therapeutic, or just expressing you self like you say hate, it relives some of the pressure that you are feeling that is a good thing I feel,Life can be a pressure cooker, it does help to relive that steam, or vent some times!
    I have isolated myself from the world like you are doing, I live 1/2 a mile in the woods. I have not seen a car or another person for quite a while now! I have been to the Hospital to see a Dr, but that is it. I suffer from depression, PTSD and right now severe Migraines.
    If you find a deal on bunkers or possibly a missile Silo would you let me know? I am joking I am content in my old log cabin in the woods! So just for your information you don't have to work around much here, you can read, or listen or possibly just watch, or occasionally ask a Question, or make a general statement like tonight but that may take a while if you are looking for answers or feedback, but please remember we do not know who you are, we can not identify you, so all you say is to a anonymous Identity.
    In any case we are here for you! it is Safe, confidential, caring and Supportive people here and You will not be judged here! I do hope that you can find what you are looking for!
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