Hi, Not sure if someone will even reply to this. My mother both physically and mentally abused me and my father never stopped it, also because of that I ended up in a few nasty situations as a young adult and I got raped while being locked up in an apartement until I managed to escape really early in the morning. I am much older now and learnt to deal with ( sort of). It didn't help that my ex and the father of my children used to blame me for the abuse as a kid and especially the rape was my own fault for being naive etc. I know why do you stay with someone like that?, well if you don't have a good reference of how someone that really loves you should behave... My tolerance or acceptance level of abnormal behaviour was initially quite high due to having an abusive mother and especially my father not doing anything and with that confirming to me that it was acceptable. I was suicidal for a long time, but because of my own children I tried to get rid of this feelings. I did this by just shutting down any emotions as much as possible and it worked well for a good amount of years. Recently I met a guy and he is really gentle and it is comfortable to talk to him, but I was going to cut him off until one of my friends said that I should just keep talking and see. I did and eventually we got really close and because I am older now I am really trying to give him a chance and not let my fear take over that he will upset or hurt me after I start trusting him. Howver because I feel so happy with him , my emotions are coming back , but not only the happy good ones and I am getting a lot of flashbacks and scared feelings aswell. I had just turned off all emotions before and now it is all coming back , also the negative ones. I can put them in perspective and deal with it most of the time, but last night I suddenly got this fear that it won't last and he will hurt me eventually and disappear. I know this is illogical and even if he does disappear it is part of normal life, those things happen...but when I told him, his response was that he got really upset that I don't trust his feelings for me. He then later replied that it really upset him and he actually felt like walking away right now. That reaction only confirmed my illogical fears and now I feel terrible and in a stressed panic and feel like running away myself and shut down emotions again. I don't want to do this. Today I feel really sad and panicky and I feel like telling him and asking him just to hold me, but I am worried it will move him even further away and he will misunderstand. I am also really bad at talking about my experiences as I don't want to come across as an attention whore or that people think I am exagerating. In a way I think it would help if I told him about my experiences, but I am also terrified he will think I am making it up or exagerating. My symptoms are that I have severe anxiety for people physically torturing me and related to that I don't trust anyone emotionally either. It is really messed up, but because every person that abused me was caring and nice to me at times and I link the 2 ... What can I do? How do I solve this, deal with this? I don't want to loose him, but these fears I have, have made him very upset for not trusting him, which I also understand. I hope someone finds the time to answer , because at the moment I really don't feel good.