panicked now badly

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by KJAB, May 27, 2009.

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  1. KJAB

    KJAB Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    give me a reason not to end my life so my family WILL be better off. Life would be very clean if I was gone. I need to be gone. I need to find courage to go. courage to stay is endless humiliation and I can't bear it any longer. give me a reason not to end my life so my family WILL be better off.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I have no idea what's going on. But I'm around if you want to talk.
  3. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    i will give you a reason.

    you don't want to die, not deep inside yourself. you want to live. you want to stay and sort things out.

    or else, you would not have reached out here

    i am soooo glad you did.
    please stay with us and get the support that you need

    speaking from personal experience, hold on. don't go. life can turn in an instant. mine did. i've never been happier.
    in january i was ready to die.
    now i am so so grateful, that i held on.
    good people at s.f. saved my life.

    we'll all be here, for you, as well.
  4. KJAB

    KJAB Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Yes, SF is somewhere I've come to browse and share. I found this site while searching for easier ways of killing myself. Since I've been 12 I've been struggling to have an ounce of self respect and self esteem. I've masked it all with 'success' an affirmation. Now, with kids and responsibilities I can't take it any more. I'm financially ruined and when I go it will free my family. I love them so much. At night all I can see is my eldest son's innocent face and his beauty makes me cry and then I get excited about freeing him from a life of poverty and the humiliation that goes with it. I've been dead for years really, acting out a mirage. But that was ok because I had an ounce of 'success' or seemed 'normal' to society. This is where my life has come after years and years of desperately hard work and sacrifice. I know this sounds selfish but I don't deserve this situation. I'm excited and my heart is racing. I really appreciate the posts but I've come to the end and that's ok. My life experience failed badly from initial promise. I cannot live with failure of this magnitude. I cannot leave my family struggling all their lives like i did. I can explain easily to them and the financial 'advisors' that destroyed my life.
  5. Elle.

    Elle. Well-Known Member

    There's your reason to live. Your kids. What will they think of you if you leave them ? If you leave, you'll leave them with a tremendous burdain to live with - the loss of a parent. I know what that feels like, I've lost my father. Trust me this is NOT what you want to do to them. If you love your family as you say you do, you will fight this and get through it ! If not for yourself - cuz yes, you WILL be grateful - then do it for them and show them the little bit of courage, strength and persistance that is still left inside you. Giving up is the easiest thing in the world to do, but to hold on and get through this will earn you a great deal of respect and love and THAT is true freedom.

    Don't do anything stupid.

  6. KJAB

    KJAB Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    thanks for reply. A few things: my brother committed suicide 11 years ago and to be honest, it made life so much easier in my family. I'm sorry to say it. He was BP (I'm not btw, just 'reactive depressive') and the chaos in our lives was extreme. Also my parents continually fought, day in, day out. I've lived my life with one single goal, since the age of 12, to have a reasonably happy, contented family life and spare my kids what I went through. The initial question I asked, I suppose yes, looking help / wisdom was "Why should I live with another 20 or 30 years with each day being a torment. each day being a testament to my failed goal" ? My wife has a great family for support, my kids will be significantly more secure and thus have infinitely more opportunities". I can just fall off the side of a mountain and have an 'accident'. I can't bear the constant failure. I will NOT live with it.
    Like I say I'm very grateful for your post, but I disagree that giving up is the easiest thing; believe me, if you think this is easy you are so wrong. Can I look at my kids for the rest of my life knowing I'm a failure and that their lives, the lives I have made my life-goal, are ruined? "No greater love can a man have than to lay down his life for his friends" (I'm not religious, it just sits well with me)
  7. Elle.

    Elle. Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry to hear about your brother, thank you for giving me a little better understanding on your situation.

    Of course your decision is not easy, such a decision is never easy, but it seems like a last resort to me. Besides you stated yourself that living this life is harder than ending it.

    Try to find alternatives, there always are. And most importantly, speak to you wife (if you ahven't already). Love her, love your kids and talk to them. I am convinced that between all of you a solution can be found. Get help, cause you shouldn't have to do this on your own, and you shouldn't make extreme decisions either. The unconditional love you seem to have for your family is something many people spend their lives longing to feel.

    I really wish there was more I could say to you - I want to help more than you know, but my understanding of the situation and my capability of expressing myself is limited.
  8. KJAB

    KJAB Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    LC. I'm greatly touched by your post. I've moved from panic to tears which might be good?! I really do believe me 'going' would 'clean up' things but even a complete stranger online saying 'a solution can be found' gives me some comfort.
    I have, of course spoken to my wife, in fact now I try not to as I try to protect her. I know you are right. Deep down I know, but I can't access it to feel any better. Doom is constantly in my head and I can't keep going on about it.
    Yes I have the 3 most beautiful kids in the world. But this is torturing me too as I feel like I've let them down badly for their future. You've expressed yourself greatly. At the end of the day I am responsible. I've been struggling for 6 months now with meds and some counselling without much success. The last day or so has been so bad I just feel paralysed.
    Thanks again for your post, though.
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    welcome to sf :)
  10. KJAB

    KJAB Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Thanks everyone. I'm feeling less full blown turbo-charged panic now... nervous about it happening again for sure..... uggghhh trying to forget and move on is hard, yeah?... anyways, thanks again
  11. Jehuty

    Jehuty Senior Member

    Don't give up, let's get through this together ok?
    You're not alone. :hug:
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