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Panicking. Don't know what to do

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Lulabelle, Mar 4, 2018.

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  1. Lulabelle

    Lulabelle Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I went looking for something in my husband's bag.

    Found a box of condoms in there, box of three, only one left. We don't use condoms.

    My head's spinning. I don't know what to do. We've been married for 27 years and I know of two affairs he's had previously - one with my best friend and one with his boss. I can't go through this again.
  2. Mercedesgirl

    Mercedesgirl Well-Known Member

    Oh lulabelle, so sorry to hear this. Was you looking for something in particular in his bag or you suspected something?
  3. Lulabelle

    Lulabelle Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I haven't suspected anything. I went looking for one of my sh methods as he hides them. Wish I'd found that instead.
  4. Egg119

    Egg119 SF Supporter

    I'm sorry to hear that @Lulabelle , have you confronted him about them?
  5. Lulabelle

    Lulabelle Forum Pro SF Supporter

    No. Both times before he denied it and made me feel like I was going mad to even think it. Both had gone on for months before he eventually admitted to them.
  6. nobodyknows71

    nobodyknows71 Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I’m sorry @Lulabelle i know it looks damning especially given his past but try not to jump to conclusions. Speak to him tell him what you’ve found and see what he says.
    If you don’t talk to him you’re going to drive yourself crazy.

    As far as I can see it’s the only way to go.

    Good luck and take care of you
    Winter Blues and Lulabelle like this.
  7. Mercedesgirl

    Mercedesgirl Well-Known Member

    If you are able to you need to talk to him and see what he says, otherwise it will eat away at you, be strong, we are here for you.
    Winter Blues and Lulabelle like this.
  8. Egg119

    Egg119 SF Supporter

    Then you need to confront him, if only for your own sake. Good luck, and I hope it turns out for the best.
    Stay strong.
    Lulabelle likes this.
  9. When someone we love hurts us and then denies it, we'd often times rather believe we're crazy than accept the truth. I've done this quite a few times myself. You deserve better than that. If he's capable of doing something like this, and obviously he is if it's happened before, kick his ass the fuck out. If it were me, one time would have been one too many, let alone two or three. By forgiving him, you're telling him it's okay and setting yourself up to get hurt again.
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2018
  10. Lara_C

    Lara_C SF Supporter

    I'm sorry Lu, as if you haven't already got enough to cope with. I hope he is at least honest with you. Have you checked his phone and emails?
    Lulabelle and AsphyxiateOnWords like this.
  11. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    Lulabelle likes this.
  12. Lulabelle

    Lulabelle Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I've checked his emails and couldn't find anything. Nothing on his personal phone but his work phone is password protected. I've tried every password I can think of but can't get in.
    I searched the house from top to bottom while he was out shopping today and found nothing. He hardly ever goes out, has no friends other than work colleagues. He worked away during the week but since my attempt last May he's worked from home, just goes into the office one day a week - on that day he'll work quite late, not leaving for home until around 8 or 9pm. He always texts me when he's leaving and then it's a two hour drive home. If he is having an affair my guess is it's someone from work.

    He's been amazing since last May, something I really didn't expect. Our sex life is better than ever (sorry, probably TMI!). This has just floored me.

    I'm too scared to confront him. I'm not sure I'm ready for the truth if it's bad. Maybe I've pushed him into it.
  13. Lulabelle

    Lulabelle Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Thanks, I could really do with some.
  14. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Hi Lulabelle, what ever he has or hasn’t done - you have not pushed him. If he’s having an affair it is NOT your fault. I agree with the others though, you should ask him othwise this will mess up your head dreadfully. Everyone here is right beside you sweetheart. You are in my heart xx
    Gonz, Deety, Lulabelle and 1 other person like this.
  15. Lara_C

    Lara_C SF Supporter

    I agree with the others too -you must find out what's going on. It may not be a full-blown affair, but could become one if you don't do anything to stop it and rebuild your marriage, if you decide that's what you want. I think the evidence you've got already is pretty unambiguous that he's been cheating, but I think you deserve to know the full truth. If I were you, I'd be sticking a voice activated recorder under the seat of his car. When you do confront him, demand he tells you his password so you can check his work phone.
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2018
    Deety, Lulabelle and Winter Blues like this.
  16. extraterrestrialone

    extraterrestrialone assembled words SF Supporter

    I”m so sorry to hear about this Lulabelle. its my nature to think there is a good reason for what you found that is other than the bad one. in that respect, that type of thinking has gotten me only grief. but i will hope, hoping that that can help. I do agree with many of the comments above. you do have to confront him/talk with him. but do it in a way that will bring out the truth and make this work out for the best. what the best might be, i can’t tell. kick him out is a good choice. reconcile is too, i think. but remember that you have support and friendship here. that includes me though i don’t consider myself any kind of authority on relationships even having lived so much of my life. there is much further that i can say but wont for now. i can offer you my own thoughts, being a husband myself it may be helpful. maybe that can help you in your decisions. stay strong. you have lots of support here.
    Lulabelle likes this.
  17. Lara_C

    Lara_C SF Supporter

    I think reconciliation is a real possibility, but not while an affair is still on going (if there is actually one here) and from what I've learned, the quickest way to put a stop to it is to expose it as they thrive on secrecy. To do this you need to gather evidence and get all your ducks in a row before confronting and exposure (mainly to the spouse of the affair partner if there is one). No further contact with the affair partner (difficult if they are work colleagues) and openness (he agrees to give you open access to his e-mail, phones) are preconditions of rebuilding trust, and couples counselling is also recommended to get at the root of the betrayal.

    Of course, it may turn out to be a one night stand, which is still a betrayal nevertheless. I still think placing voice activated recorders in his car, and in the house in the area he works, is a good way to find out if anything more serious is going on. If there is, it shouldn't take long to get the evidence, but I'm hoping you discover there's no affair after all.
  18. Deety

    Deety SF Supporter

    So sorry Lulabelle, hugs to you.
    Lulabelle likes this.
  19. Cyndal Iwerks

    Cyndal Iwerks New Member

    this message was not for me, but it struck home. thank you
    Lulabelle and AsphyxiateOnWords like this.
  20. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    No no no. Do not do that to yourself. You’ll drive yourself mad trying to figure out what you did, and end up believing all kinds of shitty and untrue things about yourself. The fact is that this has nothing to do with any shortcomings of yours (real or imagined) and everything to do with a lack of character and integrity on his part.

    This must be fucking awful, and I’m sorry that he hurt you. But if you start with the self blame you’ll end up hurting yourself even worse.
    Winter Blues, Lulabelle and Lara_C like this.
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