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Panicking. Don't know what to do

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Lulabelle, Mar 4, 2018.

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  1. Woowoo

    Woowoo SF Pro SF Artist SF Supporter


    I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'm not one to give advice on the subject- I've never managed to have a successful relationship.

    Like Gonz said try not to blame yourself. It is something I do but I know it is not good for my mental health.

    I'm thinking of you. Stay strong
    Lulabelle and gypsylee like this.
  2. gypsylee

    gypsylee SF Supporter

    Lulabelle and Woowoo like this.
  3. Kiwi2016

    Kiwi2016 Forum Pro

    I'm so sorry that you are going through this as know how much you have on your plate right now with your mom as well. Though wont be easy I agree talking to him about it makes sense...I wondered can you talk to a therapist and if you want to maybe consider couples counseling...sending you heartfelt hugs.
    Lulabelle likes this.
  4. Angel368

    Angel368 Well-Known Member

    Hi @Lulabelle, so sorry you are going through this. I think it might be good to seek some outside support before you confront your husband. His response and following conversation could be unsettling to your mood, so please don't deal with this yourself. Can you talk to your therapist and/or care coordinator first?
  5. Lulabelle

    Lulabelle Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Thanks. It's hard not to blame myself when I've made life so hard for him, particularly the last few years. He has his faults but he deserved better than I've given him.

    I have tried to get him to go to couples counseling but he's always refused. He doesn't do talking and says it will be a waste of money. I even went ahead a couple of years ago and booked us in but I ended up going alone which sort of defeated the objective.

    He knows something is up although I haven't had the courage to ask him. He was supposed to take our daughter to a uni interview today while I went to see my therapist. But he wouldn't let me stay at home on my own so I had to cancel my appointment and go with them. I'm going to see her on Friday instead (if he lets me) and will talk it through with her before I say anything to him.
    I feel exhausted. Everything is whirling around in my head and I can't switch it off. I don't know if I can confront him but I know it will drive me crazy not to know. I don't know if I can get over this again but I don't think I can live without him. It's all such a mess. I can't talk to my friends and family about it as I don't want them to think badly of him.
  6. Lara_C

    Lara_C SF Supporter

    I think you do need to know the truth Lu, and there's certainly reason for suspicion. He at least owes you an explanation and if your suspicions are correct, the onus is on him to show remorse and prove he is worthy of your trust again. I think relationships can survive infidelity and even become stronger than before, but only if it is not swept under the carpet, so it worries me that he might refuse couples counselling. It's not your fault this has happened -if there are issues in a relationship its not ok to cheat and I'm thinking that it may have been avoided if he had agreed to your previous request to go to counselling together.
    Winter Blues and Lulabelle like this.
  7. Lara_C

    Lara_C SF Supporter

    Before you take the blame, I just want to re- emphasize that you offered to address the issues in your relationship by going to couples counselling and it was Nick who refused.
    Lulabelle and Gonz like this.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    So sorry darling, you don't deserve this at all.

    Lulabelle likes this.
  9. Why are you protecting his reputation? He's done nothing to deserve that. Sure, maybe he was there for you when you dealt with your depression. That's what any good husband should and would do. You talk about it as though he deserves some sort of medal for that. That should be a given.
    Winter Blues and Lulabelle like this.
  10. Lulabelle

    Lulabelle Forum Pro SF Supporter

    If we get through this I want it to be MY decision without any pressure from family or friends either way. If they know about it, it will affect the way they feel about him and could therefore make contact difficult in the future.
  11. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    There's a reason your family thinks he's an asshole. Cheating on you more than once makes him one.
    A one time thing is a whoops, a mistake. More than that is a problem and that just makes him a dick.

    Just as we advise a hundred people here a week, you could potentially move on from your husband if you needed to. Is that the right choice? Who knows?! You're not at that point but you are a strong person INSIDE and you've got a whole bunch of people here backing you up. You've got therapy, you've got us, you've got people in your life. We're gonna support you in anything you do.

    We're all waiting to hear what happens. Sending you good vibes and well wishes.
    Winter Blues and Lulabelle like this.
  12. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    As everyone else has said and truly feels, sweetheart, we are all here for you. You are in my heart - stay strong - sending you hugs xxx
    Lulabelle and Lara_C like this.
  13. This, I understand.

    You know, couples have gotten over being cheated on, but normally there is a set of conditions attached to that. Cheating breaks trust. And it's possible to restore that trust, but it takes time and patience. The person who cheated has to prove that they have changed their ways by repairing whatever problems there were to begin with and showing you that they are doing so with their actions, not their words.

    But like walkerbait said, if you do it more than once, you're just a dick. Think of that aforementioned trust as though it were a ceramic plate. You break it once, you can glue it back together. But the more times you break it, the more pieces there are to glue. And eventually, it's totally impossible. How many pieces has your plate broken into?
  14. Lara_C

    Lara_C SF Supporter

    For many people infidelity is a deal breaker, but it is entirely your decision -only you know if you can truly reconcile. You don't have to tell everyone you know, but do you have a trustworthy confidant who you could rely on to support you in whatever decision you make?
  15. Lara_C

    Lara_C SF Supporter

    Given this may be the third time it's happened, I'd make couples therapy and perhaps individual therapy for him an essential condition of the reconciliation process, if you decide you want to save the relationship.
    Gonz likes this.
  16. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    I was about to say pretty much exactly this.
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  17. Exactly. Something like couples therapy and individual would be a good boundary to set, along with quite a few more. And if he bitches about it even once, he doesn't give a fuck. But with that said, I still think time number three is crossing the line. And by crossing the line, I mean the line is in a totally different zip code at this point than he is.
    Lara_C likes this.
  18. Lara_C

    Lara_C SF Supporter

    While I personally don't think I could forgive three affairs, everyone is different and only the betrayed partner can decide if they have it in them to reconcile with the wayward one. Having said that, serial cheating is imo a defect of character for which individual therapy would seem absolutely necessary to avoid rug sweeping and false reconciliation. Rebuilding trust is hard work, and the onus is on the wayward partner to do exactly what the betrayed one needs.
    AsphyxiateOnWords likes this.
  19. I agree with this. But I do hope that if she does decide to stay, she sets the necessary boundaries. And if this does end up to be the case, whatever her reasoning is for staying, to not let it be because she is afraid of starting over or being without him because, obviously, he can't be all that afraid of losing her.
    Winter Blues and Lara_C like this.
  20. Lara_C

    Lara_C SF Supporter

    I don't know, he might be when he realises he's been caught and the prospect of losing the relationship will prompt him to do what's necessary to save it - couples therapy, individual therapy, complete transparency and no contact with the affair partner. Affairs are based on fantasy and secrecy and exposure could bring him to his senses.
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2018
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