This meeting has been in the works for over a month... and it's tomorrow. I am unemployed, and in this country there are two ways to be that... either you are able to work, and have to be put through all sorts of stuff to find you a job, which never works... or you are too sick to work, in which they will constantly test this, and send you to all sorts of things that doesn't work either... Currently I am put in the first box... and have been for a while. Some months back I was attending some stuff that was supposed to get me a job... and once again it failed... I keep saying I just want a secretary job, I don't care where. But it has to be an office type job because of my sick spine and hip; and I always add that I surely would prefer the health sector, since that's what I'm trained for. But those places don't care about people... they care about the bonus they get per person who go through their course. And I was once again left out... and they accused me, once again, of ONLY wanting health care. Which I never said... Another thing is... I have realized I am too unwell mentally to hold a job. My anxiety is through the roof, and it only got worse after being bullied and dealing with a sociopath at my previous hospital job... the sociopath was the worst I think... I had to double check everything... she was destroying the important medical research I did, to make me look bad... and I had to watch my back constantly. It was such a stressful situation. I had to find new places every day to lock my physical work in, and every file I made on the computers I had to save several places, and start my day double checking which files she had corrupted and correct it. (I was not being paranoid, she seriously did all that. She spent more time ruining my work than doing her own work... which in the end I managed to 'use' against her) I haven't yet told my therapist about that work situation... but yeah... the meeting is tomorrow. At the meeting my therapist will be there, my caseworker from the unemployment office, and a caseworker from the therapy clinic. They, well 'we' are going to discuss my future. I am really nervous about the outcome... and I don't really understand what to expect either. If they deem me unfit for work, I still have to go into some form of activation... of course more 'protected' than if I was 'normal'. The thing is, I can't leave my flat on most days. I panic if I'm in a room alone with a man, my anxiety and depression is debilitating. I don't sleep at night... I know staying home won't make me better either... It only makes my anxiety worse... But I feel like they can't expect me to show up somewhere and expect me to be able to handle my own tasks... Ugh. I hate saying that. Despite the sociopath and the bully, I really enjoyed working at the hospital... especially after the sociopath was fired... and I got some more trusted skills... and I loved working with the kids. I was a very organized and fast secretary... I took pride in keeping everyones shedules in my head, and impressing one of the doctors time and time again by finishing a task much quicker than he expected... and I loved being the one people rang with questions like "That paper I sat with yesterday, where did I put it?" because they knew I had photographic memory... I was a good secretary. I worked at a hospital, at one of the best childhood obesity clinics in the world. The other people in my class of 'healthcare service secretaries' never got to work in healthcare, or even as a secretary... I worked for the Eurovision Song Contest as a PA for the Irish delegation, and I did well; the delegation leader even emailed the company and said this year had had the best PA's in a while. I was. I was... but something in me has cracked. A life of abuse has caught up with me. Working on it has really made me fall... I know I am working on building myself up... but yeah. So... ugh. I am so scared of that meeting tomorrow... What are they going to do to me?