Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ThePhantomLady, Jan 31, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Everything inside me is crashing.

    I have been on a waiting list for therapy since July... back then I was told I could expect to be helped in February... I have not heard anything yet, and tomorrow is February 1st! I am so, so scared they forgot about me, or I've been moved further down the waiting list. I am severely depressed... but in their 'defense' I have a lifetime of experience in putting up a facade.

    I succumbed to SH pretty badly last week. Friday I told my boyfriend what had been going on... after 3 days and 4 episodes... It's pretty bad and infected now... I chose to promise him I'd be a good girl and stop, and allow it to heal. Make sure to clean it etc...
    It's on my right hand, and every time I move my hand I'm reminded of what I did... ugh.
    My LDR boyfriend tried his best to support me... but he started blaming himself for it... using my phone hurts really bad and I had to tell him I couldn't type as quick as I'm used to... I wanted to cry my eyes out when he went "Even now I am hurting you".
    I did't hurt myself because of him... on the contrary, he's the reason I have done it considerably less in the 18 months we've been together.

    He couldn't come online this weekend (which is very normal since he broke his laptop and has to borrow other people's until he can afford his own). And yesterday I decided he deserved to know why I do what I do when my world falls apart... He knows I had a difficult childhood and if we have children that I can never leave them alone with my mother, he also knows I've been molested and raped...
    But yesterday I sent him a rather long email telling him what my mother's abuse had done to me. I started having 'accidents on purpose' when I was at least 4 to avoid getting emotional in front of her (like any normal kid would when getting tired etc.) as that would trigger her to beat me, lock me in the closet or drive off and leave me all alone after telling me she would never come back for 'such a horrible child'.
    I wanted him to understand that this is a very old 'habit' albeit sick. I know it's wrong and I've always wanted to stop it. Especially when it got so much worse and 'organized' after I was brutally raped at 13.

    I am so scared how he'll react when he reads that tomorrow.
    What if he realizes I'm too f*cked up for him??

    I told him most of my story shortly after we started talking back then... I wanted to scare him away... I believed he deserved better than me. He's such a nice and gentle guy. He's the first man to treat me kindly and with respect (while he can be such a dork too) .

    There's so much other stuff going on too... I am waiting for the benefits office to correct my benefits after they made a bad mistake... that before I got lucky enough to win some cash in an online casino had me thinking I would be forced to go back to selling myself just so I could eat and pay the last of my bills.

    And while I worried Friday and Saturday going back to visit my family that my mother would find out I had harmed myself (because I didn't need to be called 'Zebra' again...) instead she made a point to remind me I weigh too much and even complained about my bad hearing.

    I can't sleep. My brain is running way above 100mph.
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Worry and anxious are normal, but you have by what i can tell by posts been close for some time and I think letting him know the details was a good thing. If the worst case happens and he decides you are "too much" then better now then after investing even more of your time. By telling him, it gets rid of another set of secrets and and is one less thing you need to "remember" you cant talk about. Definitely more potential for positives then negatives. I am glad you have taken the opportunity to share more and find out if this really is the relationship you hope it to be. ((hugs))
    2 people like this.
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