Ok so ive been sitting in my kitchen staring at a kitchen knife thinking about Sepuku (Harakiri) and i ended up learning that as suicidal as i can be, i am way too scared of death to actually commit suicide. This is not really a Crisis since yeah, i will never be able to overcome my phobia of whats after death which is quite pathetic for someone like me. I just feel the need to talk to somebody open minded enough... dunno why, its actually the first time i have such a urge of talking, in the hope of having a good conversation with people who feel (or once felt) close to the way i do. so if you dont mind ill wright my story. Im 17 yo im a guy, i was never really bullied in school, i do have some friends, some good one, im currently on the verge of starting college next year. I have a loving mother and a caring father (even tho i hate him with a passion). but the whole human society just seems stupid to me its not something i want to live in, and i feel to well wallowing in my shit here to to live outside of it, I do have attraction for women but at the same time i just feel like i dont want them in my life at all, i just feel that getting a gf would fucking please too much people around me, i have a strong angst against everything that is conformist, also when i see how people behave in social context where they can possibly meet a partner they make me think about fucking Apes. 3-4 weeks ago this beautiful girl smiled at me, and at first i thought WOW but then my mood drastically changed and i just thought " fuck that this is stupid that's how they went me to act". i hate working i m the laziest person in the world, i hate everything that require effort, unless its art related, and i cant believe ill probably end up doing something i hate for close to 30 year. the only reason why im working right now is to buy a new amp and a new guitar. I hate the Job system and i hate being bossed around, i hate bossing people too. and when i think about the future i dont see how im gonna survive. Id try to become a professional artist but obviously the style of art i do (alternative rock (style Nirvana, The Melvin's, The wipers) or movie (Psychedelic drama ( style requiem for a dream or Clockwork Orange)) is not the kind of art that you can really live of these days... And im not gonna try to become one of those unknown underground artist, if i cant reach and touch a lot of people im just not gonna bother for all the effort its not worth it if its only for a handful of random people. i just have such an Angst against conformed people its not even funny. I have an even worst angst against close-minded fucker such as homophobes and sexist and racist. i probably have a drepression, i dont know if you can cure a depression without taking meds but if you cant im probably gonna live all my life with it because im totally against "happy pills" i just feel its a "social control tool" as was the Ritalin and the dexedrine i took when i was young (if i was too meet the fucker who prescribed to shit to me when i was young id prolly beat the shit out of him and make him kiss my shoes, and if id meet the teacher who first told my mother i might have an ADD (OMFFFFFG) i dont know what id do). I might have a light mental illness and sometime i feel like reality is just gonna collapse. And the worst of all im always bored as hell... even when im doing something i feel soooo bored.... and its so sad cuz i cant really complaint about being that bored, cuz it doesnt show anywhere how much it hurts, people don't pity you because your bored even tho i think its one of the worst pain you can feel on this world and you cant really complain about it since its invisible, it doesnt make your belly grow bigger it doesent defigure you, you cant lose an arm or a leg to it, it rarely even make you cry but fuck it hurt. My life is full of fucking paradoxe it makes me dizzy so yeah what you think? anyhow i feel a bit better now after saying all that. And sorry if its not in the right forum.