paradoxical currents

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by sum-nihil, Jun 16, 2012.

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  1. sum-nihil

    sum-nihil New Member

    Hello, I'm Pseudonym.

    I don't plan on killing myself. However, more and more, I find myself working out the details of how to do it without causing too much pain to the people figuratively around me - absent-mindedly.
    I feel 40 years older than I am, and life is starting to feel too long. In fact, I often catch myself saying how long life is.
    The world is grey, boring, futile.
    I do have attachments, but they don't feel like a source of strength like most people say such things are - love is duty to me. Duty makes me tired.

    I have a great girlfriend - bubbly and full of life and zest - however this just makes me feel worse.
    Sorry if all this information is haphazard - it's the 1st time I've joined and intro'd on a forum such as this.

    I don't think I'll kill myself, but in those episodes of daydream, it's almost as if I'm trying to convince myself - which is weird, because I have little argument against it except for guilt of the pain it will cause.

    I've been diagnosed with aspergers, depression, and anxiety last year... not really useful. People are becoming harder and harder to be around.
    Sometimes I feel like a blackhole amongst stars, sometimes I feel like a leper, most times it just feels pointless and predictable.
    I can understand them, read them, but not be them.

    The psychiatrist has tried many things, and it seems that I react quite badly to any serotonin orientated medication, and all of seems to leave me feeling a lot more hopeless than before. I don't think any medication is the answer, as this seems to be beyond chemicals.
    I just want to understand what the hell is wrong with me.
    Depression is not causing me to stop enjoying things - not being able to enjoy, or look forward to, anything is making me depressed.

    Why am I posting here if I don't plan on killing myself? I'm not sure...
    I am a person who puts a lot of value on logic, and right now, even if I don't plan on, it seems to be the most likely end of myself.
    Killing oneself is so over-dramatic, so much effort, and wont lead to happiness - I can't imagine doing it - yet, I think eventually I will.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Just want to welcome you to SF You are not alone in your feelings many here will understand and relate to your words.
    I hope you continue to write ok keep reaching out here keep talking hun it helps to know you are not alone hugs
  3. sum-nihil

    sum-nihil New Member

    is guilt a good enough reason to live?
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    GUILT or the fear of harming others when you live It is a reason to stay hun and a reason to reach out for hellp so others do not have to suffer
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