paralyzed my leg

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by caliban, Jan 8, 2011.

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  1. caliban

    caliban Active Member

    trying to attain perfection. the one thing I always had despite how hard things got was to be able to live a healthy life, excercise, and push myself hard. I pushed myself too hard and ended up breaking my back. I've lost everything since then. I can't work so I ended up in a homeless shelter. I had a lot going for me. Everyone told me I was special and capable of so much. Girls liked me (I was in great shape) I didn't even really have to try. Now that I am in such a humble position I can see the true nature of humanity. The type of people I have to live with are the total scum of the earth. Child molesters, ex felons, complete and total freaks. This is what society thinks of me. I am in so much physical pain and the mental pain is completely unbearable. I am almost 30 years old and have no career. I'm already past the cusp of being able to prove myself anymore. This is my reward for all my hard effort. I've tried to kill myself 3 times in the past 'year' (last year). I've been hospitalized but didn't really get much help. I xxxx a few months ago and xxxx. I did the same a few nights ago. I hate humanity more than anything. I was always very proud of myself but society has torn me to pieces and I am all too familiar with the complete and total meaninglessness of life. I am living day by day. All I do is sleep. I see nothing in my future and I have lost control of myself. There are times where I feelxxxxx and (pathetically) get back at what I hate about this world. The more I struggle and the lower I sink the harder it becomes. The more I am marginalized by society. (killed socially). I just wish the world would end and I could witness the human rats around me shrieking in terror. To expose themselves for what the really are behind their fancy cars and the masks they put on to hide. I have nothing left anymore and most of it has to do with the society I live in. I've been put in my place and now I will lash back. Back at my abusive father, back at the people who have marginalized and socially ostracized me to death. I can't control it anymore.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 15, 2011
  2. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    I understand how life can throw so much at you. In the space of a year, I lost my fiance, my job, my health due to bulimia and drug abuse, my residence and was raped by my best friend of nearly ten years. It all happened at once and I wanted to die.

    Odd as this sounds I found that what kept me going was believing in the law of averages, that it can't possibly keep happening to you or you'd be some cursed freak of nature or something. Good things come in waves as well as bad it's the waiting it out that gets hard.

    I am sorry to hear of your accident, do you have any family that you get on OK with because in your current condition I don't think it's safe for you to live where you are.
  3. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I know what you mean about people putting on masks..Back when I still socialized everyone used me for what they could..It takes time to get the strength to fight back..Have you been looking for a job?? I also od'd on pain killers and ended up in the hospital for four days.. My feet, ankles and hands swelled up three times the size..They were worried they would have to amputate my feet because I wasn't getting any blood to them..Then the swelling went down..I'll never try that again..
  5. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Maybe you can find another honest person with similar circumstances, pool your money together and get a small apartment.
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Caliban. I'm sorry to hear about the difficult situation that you are living in. It must be rough living at the homeless shelter. Being is paralyzed must be awful, but it's not the end of the world. I felt a lot of anger for the world when reading your post. I hope that you don't let your anger consume you. Maybe you and a couple of roomates could rent a place like flowingriver suggested? Don't give up man. :hug:
  7. caliban

    caliban Active Member

    rent here is too expensive. there is too much trash around as well. people are total scum bags at this level. When I check out I'm surely going to take as many people with me as I can and I promise that.
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Please tell me that you're not planning on going on a killing rampage? Get help man. :hug:
  9. 1victor

    1victor Well-Known Member

    I totally understand what you are going through.
    I cannot even say much to easy up your pain.
    I am not sure about the killing spree.
    I hope you reconsider.
  10. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    fuck society!!!!!!!!!
  11. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    out of curiousity
    you hate society, or rather you hate the values i guess of society.
    ideally what would society be like?
  12. strawberry

    strawberry New Member

    Don't do it. Believe it or not there are people who care about you.
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