trying to attain perfection. the one thing I always had despite how hard things got was to be able to live a healthy life, excercise, and push myself hard. I pushed myself too hard and ended up breaking my back. I've lost everything since then. I can't work so I ended up in a homeless shelter. I had a lot going for me. Everyone told me I was special and capable of so much. Girls liked me (I was in great shape) I didn't even really have to try. Now that I am in such a humble position I can see the true nature of humanity. The type of people I have to live with are the total scum of the earth. Child molesters, ex felons, complete and total freaks. This is what society thinks of me. I am in so much physical pain and the mental pain is completely unbearable. I am almost 30 years old and have no career. I'm already past the cusp of being able to prove myself anymore. This is my reward for all my hard effort. I've tried to kill myself 3 times in the past 'year' (last year). I've been hospitalized but didn't really get much help. I xxxx a few months ago and xxxx. I did the same a few nights ago. I hate humanity more than anything. I was always very proud of myself but society has torn me to pieces and I am all too familiar with the complete and total meaninglessness of life. I am living day by day. All I do is sleep. I see nothing in my future and I have lost control of myself. There are times where I feelxxxxx and (pathetically) get back at what I hate about this world. The more I struggle and the lower I sink the harder it becomes. The more I am marginalized by society. (killed socially). I just wish the world would end and I could witness the human rats around me shrieking in terror. To expose themselves for what the really are behind their fancy cars and the masks they put on to hide. I have nothing left anymore and most of it has to do with the society I live in. I've been put in my place and now I will lash back. Back at my abusive father, back at the people who have marginalized and socially ostracized me to death. I can't control it anymore.