paranoia

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by oval, Aug 15, 2011.

  1. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    My paranoia has gotten worse over the last year.
    I just never feel save. Even though i live in an apartment on the 3rd floor, somehow i always fear someone (or thing) will come to torture and kill me up there.
    I have been sleeping with my back against the wall ever since i was little. I thought someone might cut my hair off in my sleep, pull out my teeth or drag me out of the bed by my feet.
    So i always tucked in the blanket and covered my head, but only so i could still see everything.
    I always thought that someone was watching me constanty and whatever i did would give them an idea on how to torture me.

    To this day i still cant sleep with my back not against the wall and my hair tucked in. Or in a completely dark room.
    Now i check every room twice, every corner, just any place where someone could hide.
    Im not even using the living room and second bedroom bc i dont like walking by dark rooms at night. So i keep them locked. I have everything in one room so that i dont have to leave it (besides kitchen and bathroom obviously and believe me, i thought about bringing the fridge in the bedroom too).

    Everytime i shower i just constantly stare at the door knob to see if its moving even though i lock the door. I dont even have a shower curtain.
    When i bend over the sink to brush my teeth, i stare at the fausset to see the reflection of someone possibly standing behind me.
    Everytime i look in the mirror i almost expect to see someone standing behind or next to me.
    A little while ago i always took forever to fall asleep bc i had to sit up to see if i could see the shawdow of feet under the door every couple seconds (i had left the lights on outside the room)
    I have my desk standing away from the wall so that i can sit against the wall and still see every thing.
    sometimes i just sit in silence to see if i can hear something. And yeah i have taken it in consideration that the attic above me or my second bed room might be haunted bc i heard voices coming from there before. i have the only apartment on the floor and there is only one woman living below mine.

    But its not just my apartment, its everywhere i go, even with someone there with me. I cannot stand the dark or dark windows where you can look inside but not outside. all the pictures of what could happen and how they could get in and who or what could get in just come to my mind. I kind of expect for it to happen and i want to be prepared and in control when it does happen.

    You can laugh away, thats fine. I cant tell anyone without laughing myself bc it is rediculous. But in the very moment(S) is just exhausting not being able to kick off and relax for a damn minute without being hyper alert.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun it is awful what you are enduring hun can you talk to your doctor get your medication checked hun okay get it changed or increased so you are not so afraid. I hate being that afraid i do understand and i hope you reach out and get somehelp okay hugs
     
  3. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    wow that must be pure torture to always be afraid and never safe...I have it a bit in the sense that I can't sleep in the dark, usually either the kitchen or living room lamp is on...

    and I've had during the night, waking up and thinking someone's here and then I can't go back to sleep especially if my back is to the door...

    I have this fear of someone coming in my apartment while I'm asleep...because it has happened twice, one by mistake, the landlord wanted to show an apartment and he got the wrong apt number...and other time was when I was in a room at the women's Y...

    have you tried to get help for this? like a psychologist or/and psychiatrist? because they can give you meds that alleviates the paranoia at least a little...

    I know for me it helped alot...because I used to freak out alot in public...
     
  4. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    When I was a kid I didn't want to go to the bathroom alone if there were lights off nearby. I grew out of it eventually. I think it was the horror movies, in combination with being so young and unsure. I remember pulling the covers over my face too because I didn't want to see Fredy Kreuger in the doorway. I thought the creatures from Aliens would lay their egg in me so I kept my mouth closed when I slept.

    Nowadays, I just laugh when I see a horror movie. I don't even watch tv anymore. It has become a joke to me. I can tear it apart and look between the lines. When I was a kid it was all mysterious and strange. But now it's like watching the director and actors and seeing all of camaras and lights and spokespersons. I over analyze everything and can't get sucked in unless it tricks me blind.

    I know that overdoing some stimulant drugs can lead people to paranoia. I think different kinds of past events can too. Like PTSD. Returning vets can have recurring things happen to them. And me... I had a bad childhood in some ways. Even today I overthink people. I'm too defensive. Everybody is an enemy. The self-consciousness used to be for self-defense, but now is an obstacle. So I think paranoia can result from things that happen in life. I think different psychotropic drugs can have it as side effects, potentially.

    If you're on a med and you think it might be causing this, you have to led your Dr know.

    Lastly, when I was a kid I would think about Daffy Duck when I was scared in bed at night. Somehow, imagining loony tunes characters in my mind made me feel better. It was like they were making Freddy (or whatever) slip on bananas and killing his aura of danger. Maybe what you need to do is to find a character that you like, or maybe relate to, that you can see being with you in your scariest moments. So you can use your imagination to fight your imagination, but you have to be very careful about that... (even though Aragorn > Freddy by far, I mean Freddy would be 'You see blood and horror surround you...' and Aragorn would cut him down before he finished speaking)

    If you have any sense, don't give life to your fears. They're not alive. You own your imagination, not the other way around.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 16, 2011
  5. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the nice replies everyone :)

    I cant understand that you are scared of soneone breaking in to your apartment since you already had ot happen to you, even twice.

    I told my therapist about it but she only said that when i feel like this, i should take deep breaths and tell myself that im safe. It helps to a degree but this is a big issue for me and im scared to see where it could go.
    My therapist is usually really great though. She is the only one who really gets through to me and i feel great and inspired after an appointment.

    I would just like to do simple things that others can do without a problem like leaving my bedroom door open, turning all the lights off at night, sleeping without covers when its hot, just feel safe and not worry about being observed at all times.

    At first when i began smoking weed i felt more relaxed and didnt worry as much. In the very beginning i had hallucinations and thought everyone i was with was talking about me and absolutely hated me, i even saw them look at me and heard them talk about me. Things they would never say. i thought a friend actually wanted to kill me. But at some point i was just relaxed.
    Now i get paranoid again and See and hear shit, dont know whats going on around me so i stopped. Other than weed ive never done anything.

    I have never even been able to watch horror movies. Freddy krueger and the like, i have never seen them. Though from time to time friends always dragged me into horror movies or thrillers and whatnot like saw, hide and seek, paranormal activity or the last excorcism and each time i have night mares and think it will happen to me too lol
    I thought i saw the guy in the pig suit from saw outside of my window for a couple years.
    I try not to see any horror movies bc all they do is feed my imagination of what could happen and make ne paranoid.

    I moved in my apartment last summer. Now i have my cat there with me but before i was nearly going crazy. I thought since i couldnt fight them, i should rather side with them to be safe. Its really silly and embarressting what i was doing and thinking during that time.


    :ghost: :zombie: :jason:
     
  6. alexman

    alexman Banned Member

    i was like that for a little while when i was at my worst but i got over it