Up until I was 15 I've never really experienced what I guess people call 'the good life'. I was bullied quite a lot in primary school, I've always had terrible grades ever since I went to secondary school too. Just about all the time I've always had the lowest grades in class. I would get around 20% for a test whereas the next lowest score was around the fifties mark. I never understood it really. I would always work hard whereas other people would just goof around and end up flooring tests. It made no sense in my eyes. Of course I got bullied in secondary school. People would mainly make fun out of hair as well as other petty stuff. However it never got truly serious since I hit 15. When I realised nothing was working out for me I was seriously comtemplating the thought of killing myself. It got to the stage where I actually told a few classmates, but as one would expect, all they did was laugh, telling me to grow some balls. Then I took my gcses, and as expected I only got one GCSE. The next year I had to retake a subject and complete a gnvq course just so I could move on to A levels. The classes were smaller (and friendlier) and during that year I actually passed which was somewhat of a blessing. Sadly that happiness didn't last long. I was 18 in the same secondary school and things took a turn for the worse. Some people in the lower years even started chanting insulting names at me, wherever I was, and the class itself was just as bad. I was doing Advanced Business Studies, but not for long. It was a 2 year course but only after three quarters of it, the teachers suggested I quit due to my poor test grades and assignments. So I stayed at home without school and only doing part time jobs. I think I was around 20 when I started my new college. The course was advanced media and it was a 2 year course. The people around me seemed really nice, so I thought this was the break I finally deserved. But I was wrong. Next year everyone seemed to turn on me. I found it very confusing. I couldn't understand it. It got really bad as well, even worse when I was at my previous college. It all started when it was part of an assignment, and we had to record our voices for these cartoons we had to make as part of an assignment. However I found out that some people took my voice recordings, and played them over and over on their computers at maximum volume, driving me nuts. All I wanted to do was my coursework. Some people even forced me to say some stupid things on the recording studio just so they could use it to take the piss out of me further. Even the teacher prepared the studio just for me, so instead of helping me, he sided with them. It was unbelievable. The next day I was on the bus with a knife in my bag. I wasn't thinking. I just wanted to kill myself. I went to the gents by the street and closed the door behind me. I was cutting myself but not to the point where it was fatal. I dropped the knife and cried. I then walked around the street for about four hours until I got the bus home again, not even bothering going to college. I had to take another few months to finish my assignment, which I did. However I was going to university when I realised a few people I knew were going to the same place. Not only did it put me off going to that uni (god knows how I would be treated), but it put me off going to universities full stop. I'm 24 now, usual sob story, not married, no gf etc. I still live with my parents. I never go and socialise. Part of me says I got my whole life ahead of me, but most of me says stay in and be safe. The thing is I have never told anyone about my life. Hell my parents don't even know how much my life was at 15 let alone 20. I tried taking plenty of alcohol to top myself. Tried cutting myself too. I have 2 brothers. One is a married computer technician and the other has just got a job in programming. I always compare myself to my brothers. They are always successful and talented, a reminder of what I am not. I feel like I let my brothers down. Ironic really. Most of my life I have tried helping people. Even though I wans't very good at it, I still tried. Now its me needing help. But I really want to die, times like this I look back, really wanting to kill myself, I dont care how painful it is, how long it takes hell I don't care if it takes another 24 years as long as the end result is I die I don't care.