Paranoid, useless piece of twat.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Destroyer, Jan 27, 2008.

  1. Destroyer

    Destroyer Guest

    I swear i've had something wrong with me all my life and have hidden who i am through web after web of lies. I cant even tell anyone who I really am anymore. Is this because I have no personality and have to make up my own persona? Is it because I'm afraid to become vulnerable to anyone who finds out who I am. All I can say is that I'm fed up with these lies.

    THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I AM COMING CLEAN TO ANYONE AND IT FEELS BETTER TO DO IT PUBLICLY AND ANOMYNOUSLY.


    Over the past few years i have had 3 stints of depression followed by a season of sun but after then, with no warning i sink back into the state of continuously hating myself. At the moment, I have 'friends' at school and at work. But I try too hard to make people like me. I'm not popular at school and never have been. For that I am grateful, it feels better to be one of those people at the sidelines who noone really gives a damn about. Well the friends I do have are suddenly cold to me, I am sure that they talk about me behind my back and suddenly this week my best friend said something that has thrown me completly on edge and i dont know how to react.

    "You are an arrogant puny mortal"

    It has stuck with me every day, every minute since wednesday. I doubt it ever will. Because it is true. I am arrogant but i complain about it all the time. I am pathetic for being who I am, I dont eat much because I dont have the money or ever the appetite. I am always fretting over who I am, who i will become and who others see me as. I am paranoid about who people see me as. I often say something and think about it, what effect its had. I stay up at night thinking about this, and dont think enough. I havent had a good day in ages, or a good nights sleep.

    The girls i like have effectively told me to go fuck myself, which i dont mind about, i mean I'm only 16 im never going to find true love at this age. Its not something I look for but its something i always find and i cant help it and it brings me down every time. I am so amazing at failing, its fantastic.

    At least, the moments i could have spent trying to make things better, but eventually failing anyway I have spent on playing guitar. It is my vice and it is now my life. Everything is about music to me. I cant stand sad music, mainly for the fact that I fear looking like a pussy. I listen to angry music, It makes me feel better, for the pure fact that i can relate to it. I am an angry human being, and it shows. I hate more things that I like.

    Well, signing off now and listening to Good Mourning/Black Friday.

    May post again soon, but this has made me feel strangely good, like opening your heart out to someone you have never met.

    Well if anyone has read this far, please leave your views at the bottom.

    Love and Bruises,
    Haggis.
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Glad posting made you feel a little better. Keep posting and slowly you may find yourself feeling a little less angry each time.
     
  3. Destroyer

    Destroyer Guest

    i've read this feeling a bit calmer now and even though it doesnt make sense grammaticly in places, its opened me up and feel very vulnerable, am very tense now :blink:

    sleepless night followed by bad day doesnt help a thing i suppose, probably why i am tense. Felt as alone today as i usually do.

    ahh doing it again, but cant bring myself to take it off.

    And now i look a fool on the internet, damn, nice one.

    Haggis.
     
  4. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    low self esteem .. not a good thing. If you wanna talk send me a PM, it would be good to chat. Take care of yourself.
     
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    No one here would ever think of you as a fool. We are all too familiar with pain and what it does to a person. Hope you can find the strength to stay and let others help you through this.
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    :hug:
     
  7. Bograt

    Bograt Active Member

    Well Destroyer, at least you took a positive step by unloading some of what was getting to you. As you stated yourself, this is an anynymouse internet-based forum, we don't know you from Adam. This way you you can feel at least somewhat at ease posting your problems as you can open up yourself and seek help for your problems...... and we still would not know you if we bumped into you on the street.

    Another good thing about this forum is that all of us are going through or have been through very similar problems ourselves.
     
  8. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    Yo, cut yourself some slack. You're only human.

    I hope things loosen up for you.

    You don't look like a fool... far from it. You've got the strength to externalize some of your feelings. That shows promise.

    Be safe and hold on tight to the strength that's left in you :hug: