parasuicide and thoughts of it

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Trident, Mar 7, 2008.

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  1. Trident

    Trident Active Member

    hi folks

    I havent posted for a while since I was busy with exams..
    Still, I havent gotten past my brother death. They say time will help, I truly dont know. Suicide is such an awful way to die, and no one can fully understand it until you ve been touched unfortunately by it.
    ive been reading the forum for a few hours now, and especially the After Effects ones. Im kinda terrified to see how many beautiful people try to OD or whatever they try too but deep down know they wont be ever successful. this shows real suffering and hurt, but I think thats more a cry for help. A cry for help that is too often heard too late by suicide survivors.
    Many psychaitrists have called it parasuicides. the means of endangering one selves are here but not too sufficient to kill oneselves and patients know this. Still they carry on with Oding or cutting or non lethal methods
    I think my bro tried too many times to push his limits until he did find a way to kill himself 6 by hanging6 which he knew was 100 per cent lethal, and in the last days, seemed very happy. which he was not when he was parasuiciding, so knowing he would not be dead.
    Ive come to the conclusion that he had lost his instinct survival to hide his desperate feelings and thats why he acted so happy 1 hour before I had him on the phone.
    When attempting, he acted very sad and we could feel when something was going wrong. probably because he knew hed likely to be heard and saved.

    I dont expect any answer to this post.
  2. Being a "survivor" of someone's suicide definitely opens up new vistas...and actually the step you've taken in looking at it far surpasses what many are 'capable' of doing, other than revisiting over and over again the singular 'obsessive', all-consuming notion/question - "What could I have done?! Why didn't I know?!"...

    It sounds rather strange and perhaps even callous (though it is not) to say that many who attempt suicide (or live with the thought) do not experience that feeling of 'peace' from their resolution.

    I'm truly, truly sorry for your loss...

    Keep sharing your insights, and grief....
  3. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    Im sorry to hear of your loss. I understand the tragic consequences of losing a family member to suicide, and im genuinly sorry to hear of your pain.

    I know it might sound terrible, or strange, but maybe your brothers happiness on that day was due to the fact he had already made the decision to die. He may of said goodbye in his own way, and come to peace with his descision to die. There is so much suffering involved with parasuicides, so much desperation and confusion. The pull to die and the push to live can me massivly traumatic. Maybe the fact that your brother had finally made his decision brought with it an internal relief to your brother. An end for any hurt was in sight.

    Im sorry if this causes you any hurt at all, i could well be wrong.
  4. Shyfear

    Shyfear Well-Known Member

    I'm very sorry to hear about your brother =[

    I understand what you're saying. I dont think many people really realize that they aren't taking the right dose or attempting nonlethally though. It really bothers me when people do it just for attention, I wish they'd realize that they can go to a hospital and get help without endangering their lives. Too many people are lost because of suicidal feelings and hopelessness.

    I find it extremely hard to attempt suicide. Each time I had to actually force myself to do it against my will. Though it should have killed me, somehow I'm still here. For my next one I'm trying to convince myself that it wont kill me, so it'll be easier to attempt.

    When my sister killed herself people told me that it would get easier with time too, I told them thanks but in my mind I was saying "How the fuck do you know that? You don't know what I'm going through." It'll be a year in two weeks, and it hasn't gotten any easier or less complicated. Only difference is everyone acts like she didn't even exist now. They pills she took shouldn't have killed her. I hate it.

    I hope you're doing okay <3

    Much love.
  5. Trident

    Trident Active Member

    Thanks for the replies, i did not expect any.
    To clear things out, s thinking about parasuicides, i was saying that I dont dismiss suicidial feelings and despair. To think of your own end is enough desperate and no one should doubt it.
    I was saying that through his many suicidial attempts, and his saving from them, maybe my brother could have felt he could push his limits a little bit forward.. this is one theory which could have played an entire thing about his suicide. of course.
    still pushing himself harder and harder to his limits might have played a role.
    To answer the posts, I do think by hiding his feelings and pretending to be happy, i say pretending as i do not think someone who knows and has decided to die so knows when hes going to die, is happy, he wanted to protect us, my parents and me, and above all protect himself. and take the courage to end it all. I will never think of end it myself, thanks God I hope, but i still think because I fear death, that ending it is an awful feeling to feel so and that by pretending to be all right, he was persuading himself to end it all, and to protect his family.
    I grieve as to think of what is very last thought and feeling must have been. thats what, after his suicide, strikes me. how he did feel what was his very last grief.
    . the hardest part, after missing him, is to wonder what his last thought was and if he was in pain physically speaking. mentally i know or have a feeling of it, since he felt the only solution was to fade away.
    still his last thoughts and feeling are hauting me. Very much.

    he used to be a very happy and popular jock. no one could have presumed of his suicide. we still havent found why but i ve myself tried to think past of the whys as I will never know and he died with his secrets.
    2 things I want to say.
    parasuicides re in itself very dangerous because of the way it feels of each time attemping more play with
    your limits. just as my bro did.
    Suicide does kill those behind. I know it wont disuade people here, but I had to say it.

    although it really hurts, ive found the fourm helping to understand about my bro feelings.
    I all wish you strenght and HOPE, because theres despite how difficult life is about, to CARRY ON.
    Ill write later anyways
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 7, 2008
  6. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    i understand what you are saying, and greatly appreciate your strength to write here.

    The one thing that keeps me going sometimes is a empathy to others, however misguided. Even at my lowest, i know it would distroy my boyfriend, who has already lost his father to suicide.

    Do you think he didnt mean to succeed?
  7. Joshuwah

    Joshuwah Well-Known Member

    :hug: I hope things getter better for you.

    My best wishes
  8. Trident

    Trident Active Member

    Hello Diluted Angel,

    Thank you for your answer, and kind words. Its really nice to see that I can talk a bit of that here, as I wont talk about it with my mon, who Ive been very close to. I wont because I know my parents are hurting. My friends are trying very hard, but we also had mutual close friends so thats no way easy. I feel a total alien among them.
    As for now, Ive been taking Prozac to control my anxiety attacks and because his suicide has taken a big toll on me.
    As for my parents, my mom would act strong and try as much as she can not to talk about it in front of me when im visiting them over.which I feel is teh very wrong way because I feel trappe din my own feelings, sadness and anger.
    As for my father, hes been dismissing any meds the GP has been prescribing because hes been persuaded that the meds He was taking, Efexor and Seroquel for his anxiety and mild mood swings, have taken a huge responsability in his suicide.

    As for me, I really DO NOT KNOW. It hurts not to know, as he did not leave any note. I can only presume he was such in pain and decided the unique and very only solution was to off himself.
    Ive felt experienced huge anger..I myself was depressed when I was 16 and attempted 3 times with Oding.
    My brother had been feeling sad over a breakup of his 2 year relationship. I cannot even try to imagine that he killed himself over this girl. I mean, I too myself could have felt bad over a boyfriend, but still I wont off myself..
    He would NOT talk about it but when I would see him, he would sometimes act sad and out of place and then be totally normal again. He himself asked to be put on his medication to control these mood swings because he feared it would make him fail his last year in college.
    Now that hes gone, maybe that we dismissed his sadnedd over the breakup I dont know.. still i cannot imagine someone who had so many friends, who was very into sports and art and was successful with girls and studies would off himself over a girl.
    after the break up, he partied a lot, which caused some arguments with my parents, but he did seem normal- and according to his college friends and best friends, he totally was.
    Still, last year, he tried to OD on Oxy and Ibuprofen. He had surgery for his hand and was in pain so he was prescribed a great amount of Oxy.
    His roomate found him uncounscious when waking up to head to uni. He first stated he self medicated although the psychiatrist would not believe him because to him, having taken so much amount of Oxi and Ibuprofen plus Seroquel would have been that much lethal that he couldnt had not been aware of. I never knew, and so did my parents. After his funeral, his roomate confessed he ha dtold him it was not accidental. I was then so mad at this retard for not saying the truth when he WAS HERE, anyways..but see he was saved.

    in sept, to us he was doing fairly good and had had a blast while going camping and hitchhiking with his mates, thats what we thought.
    his relationship ended and then it was another story.
    He tried once more6 but for us it was his first time, to OD on his medications. spent 1 week in the hospital and was realeased. we were in utter shock.
    my dad found him the morning he had to take him to the airport so that he could go back to college. he blamed this attempt on the break up.
    In front of his friends, he would act so normal and happy. it was like we knew from what had happened another person.
    in december, before winter break, he called me and was acting weird, like he was intoxicated.. it was 2 pm. so I freaked out, called one of his college friend and asked her to check on him.
    She found him unconscious in his bed
    he had Oded anbd cut. that time, my parents wanted him sectionned and he would not go.
    we were just now in fear that hed attempt agin and would not be able to save him. in each attempts, the paramedics said he was on the verge of death, regarding hed Oded on an inconsiderate amount of his neuroleptic medication and booze.
    He would then refuse to talk about it, just saying he was 2messing around and that nothing was dangerous or alarming. I was like mmm. His friends did not know about this last attempt, and he apparently acted very fine and happy in front of them.
    during his alst weeks, he had partied a lot and was acting very very fine. He even told me 2 weeks before hanging that he d recovered from the break up.

    that afternoon, hed called me because I had to `pick him up fronm the airport to head home and see our parents. we had arranged every thing. He seemed very happy and looking forward to seeing us, thats what he said. he was supposed to board the plane at 8 pm and arrive at 10.30 pm. I went to look for him at the airport, he was not here. I thought the flight could have been deleted, no the flight was perfectly fine and on time.
    I then had an awful feeling, I didnt even think he could have missed his flight, I couldnt explain why, I knew something was very wrong, odd and out of place. he did not respond to my call so in a fury, I called his roomate. he was out of town and said he had left the aprtment at 7.30 pm, and that Josh was still here.
    I was like WTF.. so I knew he hadnt boarded. I prayed him to go back at the apartment and check on my bro. I then called the paramedics who thought I was a psycho but said they d send the cops.
    it was too late, he had hanged like 3 hours ago.

    How could he have pretended and made up the story. I do not know. the thing is, if he was alive at 7.30 pm when his mate went out, and if he had been dead for 2, 3 hours, that means he must have hanged hinself right after his mate headed out. which shows great determination. and again he acted very RATIONAL, I remember having thought wow long time since i didnt hear him that good..Umm, yes.
    I have come to the conclusion as I said he acted very fine not to worry us, and probably to protect himself. I also think he chose that moment because he could not be saved, like his mate being out boozing, me and my parents waiting for him. I also think that attempting a 100 per cent lethal method for the very first time, and obviously the last one, he knew he wouldnt make it.

    Now, I do think we could not have saved him, regarding how much energy he put to make up all this story, and regarding hanging. Having said that, I still miss him a lot, but im working on my grief and try not to focus on the whys too much even though its very hard.He died with his secrets and I refused to think he offed himself over a girl.

    I just hope he didnt suffer as much as I think he did. Ive read a bit about hanging and it just knocked me off so I stopped looking for his way of offing himself on the internet because Id puck right away.,I know it must have been very painful though, I just hoped the booze hed drunk took away the physical pain. I also been questionning the fact that he did not take his meds, like he used to, just booze, I also think he wanted to be in full of control of his acts and not to mess up but I might be wrong.
    All I know now is that I experience the pain and despair of missing him and to not know what the trigger was and what the last thoughts and anger were.

    and 6 months... I was very depressed for 2 years and attempted and thought a lot about suicide. WTF happened so that he decided to off himself in 6 months and after 3 attempts, decided to go for the lethal one.Ironically, i would say, i was the one who attempted, he was the one who didnt have a rebel youth and finally killed himself.
    I dont want to think that his meds killed him, still I do not know and find it odd that 6 moths later, he was gone.

    Im very sorry for the long post and thank you if youve been reading lol, I just needed to vent as well I think

    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 10, 2008
  9. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    Please dont apologise for the long post.If anything at all helps you have to go with it. Sometimes putting down the words which are spinning round in your head can clear it out a little, and help you to process what you are really thinking.

    I know i said it before, but i really am so sorry for your loss. I send all my love and healing to you and your family, and i wish i could take your hurt away. Many people on this site could benefit from seeing the result of suicide, and the eternal pain on those left behind. When my boyfriends dad hung himself, it destroyed the family.It hurt so many people, and it continues to do so. I often think that the person who actually dies gets off the lightest really, as they are not left with all the questions. However, when you are in immense pain you dont think straight.

    It sounds like your brother had planned what he was going to do. He had made sure noone would find him and there was no way you could stop him. you must never feel guilty, there was nothing you could of done. If you had realised at the time it would of happened again. Once that decision was made there was nothing at all that you or anyone could do.

    I understand your quest for answers. When my boyfriends dad died (i am sorry to keep returning to that point, but it is my only access point for understanding any kind of propertion of your pain) his family spent hours, months, years now, trying to find out why. Trying to think of the what ifs, just a clue. Unfortunately or otherwise, i dont think that is something we can ever find out. Maybe he didnt plan it, maybe it was a low point or anything. That knowledge goes with your brother, but the only thing you can be secure in is that there was nothing you can do, and whilst you are suffering, his pain is over.

    I wish i could answer your question about why after all that time your brother chose the method he did. There are many horror stories around hanging but there is a very high chance he would not of suffered, and his death would of been instant. If not, his pain tolerance would of been very high due to the alcholol. I know that doesnt help, im sorry.

    We have asked so many questions why. You can keep searching for that answer, but you may have to accept at some point that there is no answer understandable other than to your brother. you need to make the most of living the life that you have now.

    :hug: i wish i could say something more xxx
  10. Trident

    Trident Active Member

    Thank you for your love and words.
    I hope your boyfriend is coping better and that this tragedy hasnt gotten too much on your relationship.
    It must be so hard to carry on this burdden along with you in your relationship.
    Ive tried not to focus too much on the whys and what ifs. Its been hard but any time I find myself crying over this, I tell myself that we will never know. Its hard though to imagine that someone would just fade way like he never existed and leave no message. my brother was kina outspoken and proud of myself. As I said, it seems he turned himself into a total different eprson in those 6 months.
    Those 6 months are killing me, like erase ones life in 6 months is too big to handle for me sometimes.
    Besides his presence, or his lack of presence, what I find most difficult is feeling a total stranger among my friends and our friends, even talking about it with them doesnt make any difference.
    And as I said, I can only imagine a bit his dispair and suffering on those last moments and thats what hurt most, knowing that He thought Id not understand, or felt too trapped in his pain.
    I think as well as youve said that no one could have prevented in a matter of facts. I wish hed saved his energy he put to make up his own life as he was this other person among us, apart when he swicthed, and all the planning into INSTINCT energy.
    Clearly, hed lost instinct survival as he acted so hard to be this other person he probably wasnt and we fell into the trap. Its like a movie you are watching and all of the sudden you are not part of the act.
    Right now, Im focusing on the retreat im making with his best mates and our mutual friends this coming end of may to celebrate his life. We want it to be happy and have a blast like hed have loved because despite what hes done, im 100 per cent convinced my brother loved life. maybe not his, but life hell yes, regarding what kind of outgoing and funny person he was.
    I hope he ll like what he sees.

    Thank you for your support and if you ever need to talk about your own grief and your thoughts, do not hesitate. Im trying myself through this forum to understand more of my brother, so it wont hurt.
  11. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    Thank you for your kind words. Your message made me cry because i could see so much of Mark (my boyfriends dad) in what you were saying. Im sure he loved life. He was funny, energetic, on the whole a good dad. But life didnt love him i guess.
    Thank you for your concern. Its been a hard few years, pushed my boyfriend to some very dark places, but he is coming out the other side now. Unfortunatly, all you can used to heal is time. His dads grave got smashed up before we moved, and that was very hard. Plus, if we get married or have kids, there will be such a big empty space. But i guess we will take those steps when we have to.

    I think that is such a beautiful idea to celebrate his life like that, rather than remain sad about his death. its a wonderful sentiment, and so appropriate.

    There is nothing like a suicide to make you rethink life. now i know im sad, im depressed whatever, but when im strong i do try so hard to make the most of life. I try so much to make the best of it, because there is so much beauty in the world, and so many fantastic people, like you.

    Im sure he will love what he sees :)

    I can understand what you mean about changing. My boyfriend is a very different person, but gradually he has refigured his life and he is a great person now. It take time, but you reform yourself over time, and begin to heal. Maybe you feel like a stranger because you cannot beleive that anyone understands, or that you are forever changed. Well, there are people who do understand to some degree, and you will start to heal. The world is forever a different place though now.

  12. Trident

    Trident Active Member

    Hello Angel,

    Thank you for your words. Your post was very emotional for me because they do not realize the love they have left.
    Ive been reading a lot about suicide grief and its a very different grief from those who are left behind. Like i said, but i might be wrong and i dont like to categorize things so emotional like this and because everyoine has its own way of coping, I think suicide is also very differently ressented as you are a daughter, son, father, mother or friend.
    In your case, losing his father must have been so utterly awful
    Being the one who walks besides your boyfriend and knowing his dad and probably love him is a huge whole different grief. because it has so much impact on your couple life, on your life, on your mental health..

    For my parents, they see it as the grandsons they will never have from him, and the tragic loss of a child
    For me, I see it as the best friend i will never again have because he was blood best friend and I could almost tell him every little thing, being only 15 months away from him, the uncle my kids will never have and the friend who will never go with me to my altar. we had so many things in common, attitudes in common, friends in common...its so hard sometimes.

    When I lost my friend Melissa this last may to suicide, I was losing it.
    I myself found myself in this curious situation where I remembered all the times I had tried to kill myself and wanting so bad to die, I was put on the other sides shoes and it was like I couldnt almost recognize myself.
    I found myself thinking about those dreadful times when i wanted so much to die and to think, man this wont ever stop, when you think you feel better, or nasty thoughts just as you dont escape your own destiny, I could have died and since Im myself at risk with my depression, I will die by suicide..this kind of crap, but crap that eats you inside and you believe its very true.

    I too have myself now been sometimes fighting with those nasty suicidial thoughts. Its not thoughts about ending it really bad, its thoughts about wanting not to be here to not feel the pain and sadness anymore.
    Im sure your bfs sadness and own sadness towards his dad have played a huge role in your depression. Do you go to a suicide survivor group or a grief councellor
    You might give yourself the chance to think as yourself a survivor, too. and to take steps towards it.
    Im sure it will also help you big time heal in your depression.
    Suicide changes our lives forever, the way we used to see and feel things, people and situations.
    However, ive been trying to fill myself with positive thoughts read and overheard which I found really true about the fact that we do not wish them to suicide, AND to be part of their suicide.
    It was not their destiny, it was an awful perception of life that went utterly wrong, like a road life accident.

    Ive been to a suicide survivor group and its helped me loads. You and your boyfriend should try find one and go to one. it does help and not re enact the pain as many could think.
    I know the Samaritans in england run them.
    Ive been trrying to keep busy when I have those nasty thoughts I compare as a full desease that is eating me inside. with sport, hanging out the most possible with my friends, reading, ive even thought of finding the help needed to open once its gotten a bit better my own suicide survivor group for brothers and sisters.since mine is so far away and i cannot attend as much as possible. as you see, keeping my mind and body busy, Im dying inside if alone.

    As well, Ive found this forum so damn helpful. they also have a section for each sibling, even friends, touched by suicide.
    heres the link.

    As for the retreat, the idea came when I realized that hed have celebrated his diploma in end of may and had started to plan it with his college friends, us and best friends, like a big party for the whole weekend.
    His college friends suggested to cancel it and I thought that could be a great moment to celebrate his diploma AND his life. hed been excited about this party with his mates so much and would talk a lot about it with me and his mates.
    So I thought that, unusual as it may seen, we should not cancel it at all. plus, he was born on june 7th, so his Bday will just one week ahead. I dread this first special date and maybe this also could be a great time to celebrate his bday.
    I got this idea from the suicide survivor group and was instantly pleased by it.
    Im not saying this wont be a sad time but well try our best to overcome this and celebrate his law diploma, his friends diplomas and his life. We are planning by the ocean, they had planned it in the mountains, but well be making it by the ocean as my bro loved kitesurfing and swimming.
    His friends thought at first it was odd as you ve said, the dead are remembered in a sad way in our countries. I think thats just wrong. Plus i think the gathering will help us big time in our grief.
    I also want to stress on the fact that I think from the few posts we ve been sharing you are a very strong person and gifted one. Having to deal with your boyfriend grief, your own situation, the situation over your couple and the stress it must be, well.. i do not know many people who could handle so much of it.

    All my love and Hugs,
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 10, 2008
  13. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    Hello Teresa,

    I think you are so right. It is that potentiality and the things you will miss out on that are sometimes the hardest. The memories will never go, but its the memories you will never have the chance to obtain that are the worst. Like you said, those situations with your brother, and no just the major but also the everyday going out for a drink or just spending time on the phone. its the loss of that side which is often the hardest.

    My boyfriend has quite often told me stories which are very normal, and they hurt him the most, and i think i am the same. It leaves a hole in your life that any death leaves, but its pain is in the fact that they didnt have to die. They didnt have a terminal illness or a heart attack. I often wonder if the feelings are similar to people who have lost a member of their family to murder, like they are taken before their time.

    I have never gone to grief councelling and neither has my boyf. He is very, im not sure how to desribe it, but maybe not in touch with his feelings on it. He doesnt like going to see the grave, and he clams over when we talk about his dad. His mum is beyond evil, and elliot was only 16 when his dad died, yet she told him that he killed himself because he hated him. This has basically ruined his life, and even though im sure on a rational level that he had nothing whatsoever to do with his fathers death, it eats him up, and he finds it very hard to face, even nearly 5 years later.

    I think you are amazingly brave to go to the groups and the fact you are thinking about establishing your own is testiment to your amazing attitude. There will be so many others you can help, and hopefully it will help build your strenght in the meantime. I will try that website, and i will gently recommend it to my boyfriend.

    I think the idea to celebrate is beautiful. I know its going to be very hard at times, but i hope you will find it an occation to start to make peace with the situation. I wish with all my heart you still had your brother, and i wish so much someone could of found him and helped, but now i wish you all the healing in the world. you truely are an inspiration.

    Thank you so much for your kind words. I cant say its been easy, and it was a horrible time. We grew up very quick, and we moved into our own flat shortly after. we have always done things the hard way i guess! I stress alot about the problems my own mental health issues will have on my boyf, and i try to be as strong as i can for him. He is alot like his dad, and that makes me happy and scares the hell out of me at the same time. He took an overdose a few years ago, not long after his dads death, and i had taken one before his dad died, but he felt so horrible about it, that we promised we would never put each other through that again. Even in my darkest days, that keeps me going. I hope the idea that you need to make the best you can of life, throughout all the pain will keep you going too.

    All my love and healing,
  14. Trident

    Trident Active Member

    I didnt really know what to say to your kind words..
    you are so right about the pain. sometimes its so hard I cant get over thinking and thinking again.
    Its still very hard to think that hes not physically here on earth, I dont know if you get my point. I know hes gone, but not really.Im really wondering if I will get over my sadness and go on.
    Yesterday was difficult, there was no special reason for it but it was really hard. I just slept 3 hours yesterday so couldnt make my way to uni.
    It has changed me so much, the things I took pleasure in making, I do them because Ive to. Like college, going back home, even when I go clubbing. Theres still this very dark cloud over me, I dont know if this makes sense to you.
    I dread having to face what your bf have faced for 5 years. I know it does not get better, you live with it.
    Sometimes, Im so so angry at him and wonder how on hell he could have left like that. Why this 5 th, and not this 6 th. What made him think he could not go on another day.
    I know he switched and that he wasnt probbaly thinking right, but still, his very own determination hurt and makes me think he did want to die. I dont know, Im just numb right now... no good optimism today :dry:
    im going to check with my GP with the meds. They are not working that good. I cant stop thinking even when Im dead tired.
    Probably be wise to go to a shrink but the awful memories relate d to it, the shrink was a f..asshole, plus those suicidial times, the depression, make me dread going there, although I need to talk so much about my feelings when Im so angry or tired of crying.So I dont know.
    The fact that the meds never really work, plus the hint that the meds may have worsenned my bros dreadful thoughts, Im also afraid of asking about other meds. Im on Prozac and it does not get better. so I dont know.
    Did your bf ever open up to a shrink..
    tonight, going to my survivor group. Its twice a month, not enough but thats better than nothing.
    Also, now my parents have been very over protective which I understand but dont accept becaus eIm very independant and I hate it. I worry so much about my parents now, they are alone in the house, my bro would visit them once every week mostly. I cant myself and only go home once every month. Id like to go more but thats not helping because they are so sad and put positive feelings down.
    My mother seems frantic and I sometimes think shes in complete denial. She talks about him in the present and act strong. which is helping me though but not helping her. I dread the day when she faces the truth. She says she takes pleasure in going to the cemetary and talk to him every day after her work..2 hours later, thats not the same thing, lots of dramaz from from mt dad who says that shes not been helping saying she went there, and whos been obsessed with anything relating to suicide. he browses from what ive heard the internet till late to find answers, to find the signs and to other effects induced by anti depressants. Hes been obsessed over the fact that his meds have killed him and has even talked about suing Weth. see, this is getting crazy, I hope their marriage will survive because that would be another story.
    My dad has really changed. hes asked to retire in 6 months, he says he cant face having a daily work anymore and facing everydays life like before.
    Imnot sure this is the right solution. he has change dso much in a month and half, weight, and even his face, he looks awfully tired and barely sleeps. Im so worried, but then I sometimes tell myself I have to save myself from them.
    Their constant guilt feelings and sadness I even get over the phone are a big toll on me. Everytime I have them on the phone, I cant help but cry right after. But damn I do need them as well. so its been kinda difficult.

    MMM thats been a depressing post so Ill stop lol.
    no good today, I hope tomorrow will be another story.
    Thanks for your wise words and help Katie. I do appreciate it and I hope you are doing pretty good yourself.
    Ive been looking for some interesting videos about suicidial issues, I found them not judgmental, you might want to check, theres one about a free center in North Ireland, I dont know..
    see ive been obsessed. MMmm ok, gonna listen to some music

    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 12, 2008
  15. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    I think i can understand what you mean about almost thinking that they are still around. I sometimes still think about going to visit my nan, i almost forget she is dead. I dont think it is that we forget the pain, its just your brains default mode to presume people are there. You have spent much more time having your brother around than not, it would be very unusual for you to think otherwise, so please dont worry.

    I understand that everything has changed. Im at university too, and the stress of that alongside anything is hard enough to deal with, let alone all the problems you are facing. Everything is going to have a dark cloud over, but that cloud does begin to let off. Some days its strong, and some its not so, but with time it does start to go. That doesnt mean you forget, it means you remember how to live again. Like you said, your brother loved life, just not his. Im sure he wouldnt want you to be so sad.

    This is the hardest issue with suicide. Its not the usual greving process. I went quite quickly from being so sad and full of pain, to being completly pissed off. I was in a rage for weeks. How DARE he kill himself? How DARE he leave behind his precious children (including a 5 month old baby) how dare he hurt elliot and me like this? I was so angry. I didnt show it to elliot but i wanted to scream for his selfishness. I have sort of come to term with that side of the emotion now. I understand his actions wernt to hurt, and they wernt done with the most rational of mindsets, but i really can understand the anger, and sometimes dispointment side of it. When elliot said 'maybe if i had of been a better son' it made me mad. The guilt that the people left behind feel is all encompasing sometimes, but its not rational. Sorry, this is probably all crap, im just trying to imagine how you feel through my own experiences. Its so mindblowing to try and make logical.

    I think you should go back to see your doc, if you feel it will help. Maybe you could see a different shrink? or does your uni have a conselling department / student support? good luck at your group. I am glad to hear its helping. My boyf went to a shrink for a few weeks, but he wasnt interested. He only really talks to me, and very rarely now at that. He bottles it up which i hate, but i have to do things his way.

    Im so sorry to hear of all your parents pain. It must be so terrible for them to live with this, just as it is for you. I can understand their protectiveness of you, but also your frustration at it. It must be terrible. I guess while it seems their behaviours are strange, they are just coping. its all new ground and people have to get by how they can. But tis cant be forever for them, just like you, they need to learn to live again too. You cannot all die alongside him. I have heard of many parents who have linked the ADs to the suicide. This is not uncommon, and there is quite a strong link between SSRI's, especially Clitropram, and sucide. However, i think that desire has to be there in some form anyway. Altough, it might be some confort to think it was not soley this choice, and it may not have been. I know the most upset my boyf was (strange as it may sound) was when the toxicology report showed he had no booze or drugs in his system. He has issues with both those substances, and when elliot found he was sober, the had nothing to blaim. the idea that people do it totally of there own accord can be the hardest thing.

    Please never apologise, i am always happy to read your posts, sad or not. Much better out that in, its the first step to healing. I will look out for those videos. I saw a documentary on BBC last week called suicide suvivors, it was very beautifully done.

    Much love xxx :hug:
  16. Trident

    Trident Active Member

    Just to want to let you know Kate that I appreciate really much your words and comfort. Ill write you more when I feel more able to. thanks again you ve been helping me a lot.
  17. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    of course hun, ill keep checking back, and ill always reply.
    Im so glad it helps, please PM me anytime, you have really helped me so much too. Thank you
  18. AyameMitsuna

    AyameMitsuna Member

    I read part of this, I'm sorry, I didn't read all, I just felt like I had to respond. I'm sitting here in pure confusion because my sister who was 15 did nearly the same thing. She was found hanging in her closet by her step mother. I spoke to her at 5 PM that night she spoke of her turnabout dance, her birthday (which she was buried on) her dress, and me helping to buy her a swimsuit for her big 16th. She seemed so incredibly happy and I was happy myself. She was supposed to come over and see my apartment and we were going to chill and chat like we always did. THAT weekend. She made plans with so many people and was loved by so many that I just do not understand. Her step mother found her hanging there, and she tried CPR and such and said when she left for the hospital my sister Christina had a pulse and was breathing. I got the call saying she was at the hospital I freaked out had my husband start driving us at midnight to see her. Then I got a call from my mother saying she was gone. It hit me harder than anything I've ever experienced. She was lovely so amazing brilliant and beautiful and I would have never in a million years thought my sister would be one to do something like that. This happened Febuary 25th. I drove all the way 2 hrs to the hospital to grab her hand hold her and say goodbye. She was cold and splotchy. Loosing my BEST friend and sister was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And I believe she did it because of her step mother and father. They always pushed her too hard. I tried to help her but I couldn't do much. I am just very confused as to why they act so incredibly nice and happy talk about the future and things they want when they are just going to do what they do. My sister did leave a note but the police will not release it due to "too many inflammatory statements that would only make a bad situation even worse." So I don't know. I want to know what my younger sister said before parting what was on her mind but it feels like I will never get the chance.
  19. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy


    Im so sorry to hear of your loss. I have a younger sister, around the same age, and i have no idea how i would get through that. you have incredible strength and im so sorry you are going through this.

    We had a similar situation in the same sense that the person seemed to be so content, in fact more so than usual. If your sister was making plans and seemed happy about the future it is so hard to know what went on. One of the hardest things for me to come to terms with is that we will never know what really happened. What triggered the action. Sometimes we can only start to heal ourselves when we accept that we will never know.

    I am not sure about american law but i know you could legally get a copy of that note from the police in the UK. If you feel it may answer questions you have it may be worth consulting legal advice, or visiting the coroner. Again, i cant help here because i only have knowledge of the British system, but i think you will find many of the answers you look for in that note. However, you must be prepared to read it, and whatever it may say.

    Again, i am so sorry for your loss, and having got through a family suicide myself i will always talk with you. My love and healing go out to you and your family xxx
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