• Please read the thread in Forum News and Announcements pertaining to race related discussion on SF - thank you :)

Parental Alienation Syndrome

#1
Sadly, I was the target of attack by everyone in my household for years (wife and 2 daughters). It started when I lost my job and was forced to move. We had a family vote and agonized over the decision to move. But everyone voted for it, the pros outweighed the cons.

In the year after moving, everyone blamed me (behind my back) about the adjustments we all had to go through. If it was done to my face, I could have done something about it to help. I was swamped with new responsibilities at work and at home. My wife was newly physically disabled

Just want to put this out there. When this dynamic of everyone blaming someone happens in a household, it cripples the family unit. I grew more upset at the lack of connection and increasingly frustrated which led to me sometimes getting angry. My wife continued to spoil the kids, since she felt guilty about having to move them away from where we were previously happy. I tried to get the kids to cooperate in household chores, which my disabled wife and I really struggled with. And the resistance from the kids was always there. Especially since other kids in our new community were very spoiled, our kids resented helping us at all.

This dynamic weakened and eventually destroyed my relationships with my family, and I continued providing for years without any gratitude. This whole thing has left us all broke. My daughter has left for college and has been validated by everyone that I was a monster. I lost my temper badly once in those years and hit her, which I deeply regret, and have apologized profusely with tears for. She was validated heavily and refuses to see anything but her point of view. I am just a demon to her now, after 18 years of hard work of raising a child, she wants nothing to do with me. She has even asked her Mom to divorce me. Her Mom is now in an impossible position of being asked to choose between her husband and child, which is severe emotional blackmail from our oldest kid.

I am tempted to martyr myself some days so that my wife is released from this hell of a choose, and so that my daughter and wife can reunite. Daughter refuses to come home even during the pandemic, and even though all her classes are remote. Then I lost my job two months ago. And got a new one starting next week fortunately.

But even good news is not good news for me, since we are living in a hell of being rejected. I am trying to teach my daughter the concept of zero sum thinking. She has yet to realize that in a family, it's not about individual wins, it's about the unit winning. She has used my mistake again and again and it has become her only conception of me. Not the 18 years of providing things that she needed. But one event, and my relationship with her has been ruined. Folks, be careful of being in relationships where you are demonized behind your back.

I have only forgiveness to offer my daughter, but she refuses to accept her role, since she is just an irresponsible, selfish spoiled 18 year old. I cannot relate to this from my childhood, but it seems to be a big problem these days.

Hope someone can find some good in this. Be careful people.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#2
we all make mistakes. like i said in a different post hating or ignoring your parents is common these days. it hurts like hell but they usually fly back to the nest. and as far as your daughter your wife doesn't have to choose. you can have the daughter visit while you're at work or they can meet away from home. i'm sorry you have to go through this.....mike...*hug*shake
 

MosesY

Well-Known Member
#3
I am very sorry you are going through this. I also lost contact with my daughters. I am still allowed to write letters to one of them but the other has cut off all contact. I am going to write a letter to my daughter today. I would suggest you look at your attitude towards your daughter; she knows what you think of her. It will take many years to undo do that if you ever can. Try to find good in her and praise her for it. When is the last time you have given her an honest compliment?

I would suggest you give up your thinking on being a martyr. Your daughter still loves you, you are still her dad, and it would destroy her life. You are her role model.

I would also suggest you find some things you enjoy in life. I collect lanterns, I smoke an occasional cigar, I drink a little bit, and I try to help people out, to show compassion and empathy, and to do things for them when I can. At work I will buy a soda for somebody sometimes, I listen to them. I care about them.

Once again I just want you to know I care about you. I feel what you have went through.
 
#4
I am very sorry you are going through this. I also lost contact with my daughters. I am still allowed to write letters to one of them but the other has cut off all contact. I am going to write a letter to my daughter today. I would suggest you look at your attitude towards your daughter; she knows what you think of her. It will take many years to undo do that if you ever can. Try to find good in her and praise her for it. When is the last time you have given her an honest compliment?

I would suggest you give up your thinking on being a martyr. Your daughter still loves you, you are still her dad, and it would destroy her life. You are her role model.

I would also suggest you find some things you enjoy in life. I collect lanterns, I smoke an occasional cigar, I drink a little bit, and I try to help people out, to show compassion and empathy, and to do things for them when I can. At work I will buy a soda for somebody sometimes, I listen to them. I care about them.

Once again I just want you to know I care about you. I feel what you have went through.
Thanks. I compliment her overall. I have written lots of letters. I am just done being a victim at this point. Surrounded by victims 'glass always empty' mindset people. After you worked your ass off to provide, no gratitude, only complaints. Hard to compliment such people, yet I do it anyway, since I love them, and failed to teach them about zero sum thinking mindsets. And that complaints in a family should not fall to one person to solve. It's impossible, without cooperation and compromise, and that is very hard to come by in this culture.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#5
Thanks. I compliment her overall. I have written lots of letters. I am just done being a victim at this point. Surrounded by victims 'glass always empty' mindset people. After you worked your ass off to provide, no gratitude, only complaints. Hard to compliment such people, yet I do it anyway, since I love them, and failed to teach them about zero sum thinking mindsets. And that complaints in a family should not fall to one person to solve. It's impossible, without cooperation and compromise, and that is very hard to come by in this culture.
*hug
 

Sane Man

Sane Possum
#6
I'm sorry that these women appear to be so selfish and hurtful to you. Stories like this make me feel better for not getting married, and for god sake's not having any children.
 
#7
I'm sorry that these women appear to be so selfish and hurtful to you. Stories like this make me feel better for not getting married, and for god sake's not having any children.
My works very very hard, as do I. I am grateful to her, and we are just fine when it's the two of us. But once the kids complain, they target me, and she gets on their side, since she doesn't want them to feel that she will stick up for me over them (major childhood Dad issues for her) But the kids are ridiculously entitled these days. It's normalized in the culture and they just resent having to lift a finger, never mind being grateful for what we do for them. Instead we've often been told 'I didn't ask to be born' - it is utterly soul destroying, and they refuse to make friends with anyone who is also not entitled, since they would feel guilt if they saw other kids having to help their parents happily, like my wife and I were raised. It is ridiculous people, if you are going yo have kids, make sure you are rich and can afford to eat out, have cleaners, for 18 years. And have loads saved for college, and are willing to cut out all luxury for yourself, and be ready to give it to your kids. My wife and I haven't bought new clothes for a decade. It's never enough unless you live in an area where your kids can plainly see every day how others also learn that teamwork makes the dream work., Too many spoilt children in this supposed 'American dream' suburbia. My Father is working class and got more pride in providing for us than I can ever dream of. I show my respect for all his sacrifices that he made so that he can have some dignity. I get none, and kids just live in a bubble until they need something. Whenever we need something, they pout, ignore, forget, complain. It's a killer to anyone honestly to be treated this way.
 

UKDude

Well-Known Member
#8
I had something similar when I divorced wife. Son wanted to live with me and see his mom one day per week, daughter wanted to stay with us 50/50. Wife has very well paid job, but is hopeless with money.

So I pointed out that effectively I would have kids 75% of time and therefore 75% of costs and she'd have to contribute financially, and then all hell broke loose.

Suddenly daughter is calling me toxic, an alcoholic, all of the things her mother called me - the exact same words, and she didn't want to see me at all, so since I was hurting and that hurt even more I said some things to her I am deeply ashamed of.

We didn't speak for almost 2 years, except when I'd reach out at Christmas or her birthday and she'd want money, then she'd blank me again 9i'd feel like maybe we were healing and ask if she wanted to meet, then she'd explode and say I was pressuring her and stop talking again) - so I told her I'm not here just for you to use when there's money available - that's what really killed our relationship.

She's now at university and came to see me the other day, we apologised to each other and spent a really nice 3 - 4 hours together and we're now speaking again and seeing each other again.

I think that the other parent sometimes is the problem, they align a team to "gang up" on the other parent, and the kids are a powerful weapon.

However, as they grow up and spend time away from the manipulative parent I think they see things differently. At least I hope so.

So my advice from my personal experience is give her time, and don't fawn after her, if you do and she is angry she'll use your desire to have a relationship to hurt you, it's better I think to let the anger subside so there's a clear air between you.
 

neutralbuoyancy

stuck in place yet again
#9
Sadly, I was the target of attack by everyone in my household for years (wife and 2 daughters). It started when I lost my job and was forced to move. We had a family vote and agonized over the decision to move. But everyone voted for it, the pros outweighed the cons.

In the year after moving, everyone blamed me (behind my back) about the adjustments we all had to go through. If it was done to my face, I could have done something about it to help. I was swamped with new responsibilities at work and at home. My wife was newly physically disabled

Just want to put this out there. When this dynamic of everyone blaming someone happens in a household, it cripples the family unit. I grew more upset at the lack of connection and increasingly frustrated which led to me sometimes getting angry. My wife continued to spoil the kids, since she felt guilty about having to move them away from where we were previously happy. I tried to get the kids to cooperate in household chores, which my disabled wife and I really struggled with. And the resistance from the kids was always there. Especially since other kids in our new community were very spoiled, our kids resented helping us at all.

This dynamic weakened and eventually destroyed my relationships with my family, and I continued providing for years without any gratitude. This whole thing has left us all broke. My daughter has left for college and has been validated by everyone that I was a monster. I lost my temper badly once in those years and hit her, which I deeply regret, and have apologized profusely with tears for. She was validated heavily and refuses to see anything but her point of view. I am just a demon to her now, after 18 years of hard work of raising a child, she wants nothing to do with me. She has even asked her Mom to divorce me. Her Mom is now in an impossible position of being asked to choose between her husband and child, which is severe emotional blackmail from our oldest kid.

I am tempted to martyr myself some days so that my wife is released from this hell of a choose, and so that my daughter and wife can reunite. Daughter refuses to come home even during the pandemic, and even though all her classes are remote. Then I lost my job two months ago. And got a new one starting next week fortunately.

But even good news is not good news for me, since we are living in a hell of being rejected. I am trying to teach my daughter the concept of zero sum thinking. She has yet to realize that in a family, it's not about individual wins, it's about the unit winning. She has used my mistake again and again and it has become her only conception of me. Not the 18 years of providing things that she needed. But one event, and my relationship with her has been ruined. Folks, be careful of being in relationships where you are demonized behind your back.

I have only forgiveness to offer my daughter, but she refuses to accept her role, since she is just an irresponsible, selfish spoiled 18 year old. I cannot relate to this from my childhood, but it seems to be a big problem these days.

Hope someone can find some good in this. Be careful people.
coming from an 18 year old who is in the reverse position as you my parents has a tendency to alienate us every day for a single mistake but i agree your daughter does seemed spoiled but i feel like the only that needs to happen rn is for your daughter to come to her senses by her own accord because if it comes from you to her it may seemed forced but if its from her it would be her idea so she would be more keen to agree
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$600.00
Goal
$255.00
Top