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Parenting help needed

#1
How much privacy does a parent give to a 19 year old that is suicidal? Do we remove doors from their room? Make sure they are never alone. They are getting therapy and want to trust them but the track record has not been good in the past 4 months. Any advice would be helpful.
 
#2
That's a tough question. On the one hand, you'd want to prevent attempts, but the lack of privacy would also probably add to their stress.

Have you tried talking to your child's therapist? They may have the best guidance.
 
#3
That's a tough question. On the one hand, you'd want to prevent attempts, but the lack of privacy would also probably add to their stress.

Have you tried talking to your child's therapist? They may have the best guidance.
Thanks for the reply. Yes we have talked but not about removing doors. He is going in for an assessment tomorrow so tonight we are pulling an all nighter monitoring him. I was just wondering if anyone had some advice for managing late teens with depression and suicidal tendencies. It is tough because they are not a kid, but you want to know as much about what is happening so that you can support your child.
 
#4
If you are thorough about taking away methods, I don't think you'd necessarily have to monitor 24hrs.

What does he have to say about being monitored? I guess if he doesn't object, then it may not be such a big problem (aside from the lack of sleep). Another issue though is whether he will be able to sleep while being monitored.

What's your relationship like with him?
 
#5
If you are thorough about taking away methods, I don't think you'd necessarily have to monitor 24hrs.

What does he have to say about being monitored? I guess if he doesn't object, then it may not be such a big problem (aside from the lack of sleep). Another issue though is whether he will be able to sleep while being monitored.

What's your relationship like with him?
He is not a fan of the monitoring. He was accepting of a Day program. No inpatient program. Until the past 5 months we were very close. We would go out to eat, watch movies, go to concerts, bike trips together, late night chats about dream interpretations. Then Covid social distancing hit and wham. Caught him smoking weed in the house. We said we could not control what he did outside of the house since he was an adult, but we did not want him smoking in the house. He said he would not do it again. And then I caught him doing it again 1 month later in the house. That is when the downward spiral really went out of control. Very minimal communication, not wanting to be part of family activities, anxiety on all sorts of things that he never had anxieties about. He started seeing a therapist. He just had some scans and blood tests to see if there was something physiological cause all of this anxiety and were going to meet with the psychiatrist this week when this all happened. He cussed out my wife tonight. He has never sworn at us before. There is a lot of rage and anger and wanting to do everything by himself. We would classify ourselves as authoritative parenting involved in our kids lives set guidelines and expectations but definitely allowed them independence. He could have taken the year off of college but chose to do online classes and is now stressing about that. We are fine with him dropping the classes and just focusing on getting well and in a good place and finding his center and joys again.

I know this covid stuff is really messing a lot of people up so I am not sure if it is just accelerating issues for him.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#6
I'm gonna tag in @Sunspots because she might have something helpful here.

Hopefully assessment is helpful. I think sometimes mental illness can start to happen around his age, and the stress of everything right now could have exacerbated it. So it's good that you're there for him to get him help. I hope he will be okay. *hug
 

Were all together

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#7
Sounds like he's under alot of stress. I would wait for the assessment. Right now, I would encourage you to let him know, you are both there, if he needs to talk.
 
#8
Sounds like he's under alot of stress. I would wait for the assessment. Right now, I would encourage you to let him know, you are both there, if he needs to talk.
Thanks. I get that . It is a fine line of holding a line and pushing him over the edge. His therapist really stressed him getting in ASAP. He know we are there but he does not talk to us about any stress. He dropped out of his classes last night which may have eleveated some stress. I told him that I do not care about college or whatever, I want him to find things that make him happy. And if he needs a year or more to do that we support him.
 
#9
I'm gonna tag in @Sunspots because she might have something helpful here.

Hopefully assessment is helpful. I think sometimes mental illness can start to happen around his age, and the stress of everything right now could have exacerbated it. So it's good that you're there for him to get him help. I hope he will be okay. *hug
Thanks. Got a place to go for today. Now to get him to agree to go today.
 

Were all together

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#10
Thanks. I get that . It is a fine line of holding a line and pushing him over the edge. His therapist really stressed him getting in ASAP. He know we are there but he does not talk to us about any stress. He dropped out of his classes last night which may have eleveated some stress. I told him that I do not care about college or whatever, I want him to find things that make him happy. And if he needs a year or more to do that we support him.
Sounds like you're doing the right thing now. The rest is up to him. Just keep the line of communication open.
 

Legate Lanius

Well-Known Member
#12
I am also a young male, 22 now. Three years ago I guess I had similar problems. That you know about his mental health stuff is a great indication that he'll live a while longer. If someone wants to die you won't know anything and then they'll just disappear; found far away from a hospital days later. So I think you are doing great so far (in regards to the suicide threat).

At my second most unstable (most being constant ideation), I would explode into anger at anything even hinting at a lack of self-sufficiency at that age; smashing tables, TV's and putting holes in the walls. I don't know if his anger is similar in that way- that it's triggered when he is reminded that he has nothing of his own; that you can remove his housing, food, clothing and perhaps only meaningful social contact if you wished to. That despite being in the stage of life where your DNA wants you to have moved out and started a family of your own you are completely relying on mommy and daddy for your survival; this takes great maturation and time to accept. It's an extremely volatile situation that all "failed" young men has to deal with nowadays. Some would be better off in prison, where they would at least feel like they have separated themselves from the need for mommy and daddy's care.

To answer the question at hand, I think that you can ease back on the surveillance; but don't blame me if something happens.
 
#13
I am also a young male, 22 now. Three years ago I guess I had similar problems. That you know about his mental health stuff is a great indication that he'll live a while longer. If someone wants to die you won't know anything and then they'll just disappear; found far away from a hospital days later. So I think you are doing great so far (in regards to the suicide threat).

At my second most unstable (most being constant ideation), I would explode into anger at anything even hinting at a lack of self-sufficiency at that age; smashing tables, TV's and putting holes in the walls. I don't know if his anger is similar in that way- that it's triggered when he is reminded that he has nothing of his own; that you can remove his housing, food, clothing and perhaps only meaningful social contact if you wished to. That despite being in the stage of life where your DNA wants you to have moved out and started a family of your own you are completely relying on mommy and daddy for your survival; this takes great maturation and time to accept. It's an extremely volatile situation that all "failed" young men has to deal with nowadays. Some would be better off in prison, where they would at least feel like they have separated themselves from the need for mommy and daddy's care.

To answer the question at hand, I think that you can ease back on the surveillance; but don't blame me if something happens.
I deeply appreciate your insights. He is not that violent outward, but I can see the boiling point inside. I am seeing a mirror of myself 32 years ago at the age of 19 in October. This is almost the anniversary of the redirection of my life. I am hoping this is his turning point. He wants help and he wants professionals to help him, so that is a good thing. We have never threatened to kick him out or hold anything over his head. But your insight of the lack of self sufficiency is truly enlightening for me. That sounds like him in how he wants to do everything on his own. Thank you once again.
 

Legate Lanius

Well-Known Member
#14
I deeply appreciate your insights. He is not that violent outward, but I can see the boiling point inside. I am seeing a mirror of myself 32 years ago at the age of 19 in October. This is almost the anniversary of the redirection of my life. I am hoping this is his turning point. He wants help and he wants professionals to help him, so that is a good thing. We have never threatened to kick him out or hold anything over his head. But your insight of the lack of self sufficiency is truly enlightening for me. That sounds like him in how he wants to do everything on his own. Thank you once again.
No, thank you for adding spice to the forum. Very great to hear that I could pass on some insight.
 

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