Parently love.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Escapist, Jan 31, 2010.

  1. Escapist

    Escapist Well-Known Member


    I'm going to tell you a bit of my past. Now, I don't want sympathy. I only would like to have an answer to the question I have at the bottom of this thread.

    Well. My parents are divorced, it happened when me and my brother were rather young, so we had not really an idea of what exactly was going on. We lived at my mother's place. We weren't exactly treated well, when it came down to it. It might not look like anything at first glance, or so I am told.

    When eating a meal we didn't like, my Mom has set this timer. When we didn't finish our food in time, we got dragged to the bathroom with plate and all, and had to eat our food underneath a cold shower. We weren't allowed to get out, as Mom was in in the bathroom and wanted us to eat our meal. Alternatively, sometimes pudding got poured over our meal and we were forced to eat our food, regardless.

    Then there was this one time where we had an argument with Mom. I was Eleven and my brother was Ten. We decided to head to Dad, by bike, due the argument we had and due what Mom said. "If you don't like it, here. Go to your Dad's." Though, it's nearly 40 miles, unaware of the troubles we could get winded up in, me and my brother went on our bike towards my dad. We left around 5/6. We arrived around Midnight. A stranger picked us up allong the way, and brought us to our Dad, we had been travelling for around 30 miles when he helped us out. We didn't hear anything from our Mom in all the time we were travelling, it was as if she didn't care if something happened to us.

    Though, enough talk about my mother, let's continue and talk about Dad.

    Every two weeks, dad would pick up and we were able to spend a weekend at his place. Though, everytime we got picked up, Grandmother was in the car. Ready to give us some gifts, which were basicly somekind of manipulative trick to get us to like them. When at his place, we were always asked, which parent we liked better, where we enjoy ourselves the most and all that. By giving us toys, they setted us against our mother. My mother wasn't exactly a rich person and couldn't afford buying gifts all the time. What dad did wasn't fair, you can't win a child's heart by giving gifts and setting it up against it's mother. It's not how it works.

    After having lived with my Mother and Brother, I decided to go and live with my Dad. Especially due all that happened at the place of my mother, I didn't want to stay, I couldn't stay. I wanted my brother to come with me, but unfortunately he wasn't at the age yet where he could decide. I believe. Though, I went to my dad, only to see it wasn't anything better than at my Mom's. Dad had this woman he fancied. I didn't like her, she couldn't order me around as she wasn't my mother. Though I always got slapped, and instead of dad supporting me, he even defended her at times. Which was just horrid. I don't see what he ever saw that woman.

    Moving on, I once was in this argument with my father. I was telling my stepsister of as she was using scissors within reach of the baby. (My father and his new girlfriend got a child.) So, I told her off. But no. Instead I got told off, I went to my dad and said that he should do something about it. Though instead I got smacked with a curtain rail across my upper leg, for making him angry. I went to my Mom the day after, and visited a doctor to treat the wound. It was a huge blue/purple/brownish bruise, pictures got made and I got some medicine to treat the pain. Though regardless of what happened, I had to return to my dad as I chose to live at his place.

    Alright, Dad moved places and lived in this flat. 3rd floor. And that's where the other accident happened. Lots of people came over, and as a kid you want attention, I stepped into the living room, and wanted to say something. Instead dad lifted me up, and pushed me through a door with a glass window, resulting me in having a deep cut in my head and bleeding like crazy. My uncle took me with him, and we went to see a doctor, my wound got cleaned and the cut got glued together. Or something like that. When we got back at home, my dad was crying. He took me with him, and he hugged me. I honestly didn't know, how I was supposed to feel, at that moment.

    When at my dad's we sometimes went to our grandparents aswell. It was in the afternoon, and I had this play on school. We were allowed to stay home for the remainder of the day, in order to learn the phrases we had to say in the play. Though they didn't believe me, and my grandfather cornered me in the living room, because I was angry that they wouldn't believe me. I got punched in the face, and ended up having to go to school with a black eye. How stupid is that? I wasn't even 10 at that time. How could they possibly treat a child like that!?

    Well, then a year or so back, I was attending at a Pre-release of Magic the gathering. ( A trading card game.) We finished, rather early, and I asked my dad to pick me up. Though after a hour or so, I called him again, because the store was closed, and it was raining, I was cold, and he was taking quite awhile to arrive. What he then said, hurted me alot. He said, that he turned around to pick up Willem, (one of my half brothers.) So, I had to wait for another hour before he picked me up. I was rather upset, after all that I've been through. I'm still last.

    And there is this thing, my Mom once said. That my brith wasn't planned. I wasn't in the schedule, I basicly shouldn't exist. Is that why they treated me like crap for the most of my life? It's not fair. I've been alone, for years on end. I had to solve my own problems, and at the same time stick up for my brother (The one who lives at my mother.) And yet, when someone stood up for me, they were asked to leave the house and never set foot in here again.

    I've messed up my school I had to re-do two years, I finished school when I became 18. Nearly, 1/4 of my life got messed up due the way I got treated. I've been wanting myself dead at times, I've been a cutter. I needed to release my anger and suffering, in a way.

    So far my past, which leads me to the question I wanted to ask.

    --> Due all this, I've been desperately looking to be wanted or loved by atleast a few people. Doing this I hurted the one person, who actually loved me for who I was. I've lied, I cheated on her. And there is no way, I deserve to be with her, after the pain I caused her. Though it wasn't done on purpose! I just wanted to be part of someone's life, recongnized, loved, wanted. Something, I didn't got, I didn't receive, from the people I should've gotten it from. Avarice loved me, like no one has before, and I only ended up hurting her insmensely due all of the crap that has happened. I feel messed up, used and torn apart by my own past. I can't explain how much it hurts to have caused her so much pain, I regret every action I made. Though I am not believed. I love her, with all my heart.

    Though what is it that I have to do? Who is to blame? I am, ofcourse. But then again, I was made like this. Even though I was the one pilotting my own mind and taking such actions, who is ultimately responsible for this?

    I didn't choose to live the life, I've currently had.

    Thanks for reading my rather long post, I am not meaning to bore you with my problems. Though feedback would honestly be appreciated.

    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 31, 2010
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I read your post and yes your past is full of pain. Have you told this to your friend. You had someone to show you love and affection and you threw that away by your unfaithfulness. Maybe love taught you that harming someone is alright i don't know. In the end you made a choice a bad one and only your friend can decide if she can forgive you. talk to her write her a note but the trust has been broken and it will be very hard to undue Next time you will have learned not to throw away something so valuable as your parents did to you.
    You are a circumstance of your past yes but now you need to change the cycle learn from your mistake and move on.
  3. Vangelis

    Vangelis Well-Known Member

    I'm in the same exact shoes that you're in. Yeah my parents hated me they brought me up to hate myself and everyone I came in contact with. I have very strong self-hatred and self-anger in me, and my girlfriend loves me very much and the same question you ask yourself that I have answered within myself is...Yeah...Its definitely our faults, because we let ourselves as a person down, instead of reflecting on perhaps a new change and a new direction in our lives that other people, loving people that really cared about us, goto waste, cause we couldnt get out of our self brooding past.