Parents who think about suicide...

Discussion in 'Soap Box' started by kyle88, Jun 24, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. kyle88

    kyle88 Well-Known Member

    I dunno about others, but if there is one thing on here that really pisses me off, its when I read someone talking about killing themself and then saying "My children will be fine..." "they will be taken care of" etc...

    I get that your life is miserable, and have gone through a lot of fucking shit in your life, but the fact you state your children will be fine is highly fucking ignorant and just shows how selfish you are.

    Whatever your problems are or what your past is, I understand that it's difficult, but how can you say something like "my children will be fine..." etc if you kill yourself. Even if they are too young to understand, as they get older without a parent in their life they are going to wonder and know what happened... and eventually when they go through a rough patch, guess what they'll be thinking of?

    If you want proof just read this forum, a lot of people on this forum have had bad parents, or ones who were never there, and you can see how its effected them...

    I don't even have a child, but the thought of doing something like that to my children just sickens me... Even if my life was miserable, I would enjoy the moments with my children and make sure that their life would not end up like mine at least....

    Obviously everyones situation is different, and I'm just kinda ranting about some things i've read on here about people with small children or even teens that are planning on taking their lives and seem to think that their children "will be fine", or "will be sad but forget about it eventually"...

    Some people in the world aren't even able to have children, and would do anything just to be able to have one... and I see people here take that for granted.

    I also couldn't imagine how a kid could grow up knowing one of his parents killed himself/herself, especially when he sees other familes or his friends with their parents etc.

    I guess i'm more pissed more about selfish parents as i grew up with one... when you have kids, you put them first and make sure their life is good... not set them up for a self-destructive future.
     
  2. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    I agree.

    If you don't want to have to be there for your child then you should've used a condom.
     
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm one of those selfish parents you so easily clumped together and caterogized. You DONT have children and you DONT understand so dont go and so freely rack us all up to being no good S.O.B.'s who are only thinking about ourselves and our own selfish agendas and needs. You cant even vaguely feel the desperation a parent feels when they know suicide as the only option.

    And just out of curiousity? What makes you think it is any easier for a parent that has lost a child to suicide? Have you not read any of the posts by members here that are in that exact situation. What makes it so immoral for a parent and not for a child or any other family member?

    Suicide is a horrible thing for those left behind. I cant argue that. But trust me, in my situation, being here only makes it worse especially for my children. Either suicide or my health issues are going to take me, not old age. I am sorry but I dont understand how it is okay to make your family watch you slowly be eaten alive by a terminal illness or mental health issue rather than have you go when you are still you. When they can have good memories of your life lived rather than having to watch it slowly being sucked out of you.

    I am terribly sorry that you have had a selfish parent and I am therefore assuming a difficult childhood. And maybe even problems now in your life because of your parents' poor attempts at parenting. But we arent all that way. I love my children unconditionally. And they me. But to make them watch me suffer and struggle? To have my problems carry over into their lives? That is selfish. Maybe if your childhood had been different you could understand the pains and agonies a parent must face each day to insure that their children always come first. I'm a great listener if you'd like to talk. Maybe see if together we can come up with some help to get you moving forward :arms:

    Just my own selfish thoughts on the matter. Oh and by the way, I always put my children first. I lived a Hellish marriage for almost 20 years to keep my children first, then 8 years as a single, unemployable Mom to keep my children first. Everything I do is with my childrens best interests first and utmost. Selfish? I dont think so.
     
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I have stayed here all my life for my childrens sake..struggling through a bad marriage, divorce, custody battle with a man who didn't want his kids except to get back at me....
    he put them through 'Parental alienation' and they gave me hell because of it...one still does as an adult.....
    I loved my kids first and foremost, did what what was best for them...
    but life has been hell for me.....

    Now I'm dealing with the loss of a child to suicide...
    Why did he have to go leave his aged parents with this burden of pain and grief that will never leave?
    Why wasn't he fighting to stay like I did for him so we his family wouldn't endure this horror....
    maybe he saw the pain I endured all my life....
    maybe he thought he didn't want to go through that too....idk

    I can see both sides of the coin here and neither side is pretty...
    suicide is not a good choice no matter what......:hugtackles:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 25, 2010
  5. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    That's a great post.
     
  6. kyle88

    kyle88 Well-Known Member

    Calm down Nancy, and no I didn't generalize at all, as I said everyone is in a different situation, obviously my post isn't intended at people with a physical terminal illness, but rather at those who are just depressed and wanting to take their life because of their mental illness. Like I said in the OP, everyone's situation is different, and I'm intending it at a certain group of parents. Especially at parents with SMALL CHILDREN.

    As for children taking their own life, depends what we are talking about, if your child is thinking about suicide, then I'd definitely think there is something wrong with the parents in the first place...
     
  7. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Nobody suggested that it is easier, so either you must've misread or are trying to twist words.

    Also, children do not choose to be born, however parents choose to have children. That is what makes it worse.
     
  8. iammary

    iammary Member

    have a friend his father kill himself on his birthday .How do you think he celebates now. My friend sits at home crying on his birthday
     
  9. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Ya know...... I wasnt going to waste the time replying to your post regarding my comments. But got nothing but time left anyhow so....what the Hell.

    Your thread may of been a rant about suicidal parents in general. But my reply is on a personal level. I cant speak for other suicidal parents here in the forum. But I know I found your rant as quite personal. So I guess this is my own little rant in reply.

    You're post has left me feeling like I dont deserve any support or understanding from the members here. I dont belong here. Like I'm some terribly horrible person. When I suicide, it is going to hurt people. Just like when any one else does. A wife hurts her husband. A child hurts a parent. A friend hurts another friend. Death hurts all those left behind. Pain is pain. Pain that drives one to suicide is no more or less than the pain suffered by those left behind.

    I am a suicidal parent. So when you say things like the words above of course it is personal. Of course you have just caterogized a lot of parents into one group. Your thread singles out a very specific group of people and will be read more like a personal attack on people that are parents and suicidal. That is human nature.

    My youngest one is without a father. Not because the man is dead. He chose to walk out of our lives. He has chosen to deny being my son's father. He has no contact with his son. He makes no monetary, emotional or physical support. And my son asks about and for him. I have to say things like "you're Daddy has chosen not to be a Daddy right now." "It isnt because of you." How is that any different than if his Daddy were dead? He asks all about him. And I dont have all the answers he needs. And yet his Daddy lives but a few short miles away. But he is dead to his son. How would it be any different to my son if his daddy was physically dead? Atleast dead my son would no longer have questions with no answers. Dead there would be no reasons as to why his daddy isnt in his life.

    Dont think for a second that I dont feel sick about what is going to happen. But there is no other solution that will fix everything for everyone. I'm sorry that there is going to be pain. But I also know that my children have so many great and wonderful supports around them in Aunties, Uncles, Grandma and Grandpa and so many other family members and dear friends. Dead or alive I will never be able to protect my children from all the pains they are going to have to endure. I feel like a huge failure because I cant be the parent they need and hurt so much knowing that alive or dead I'm causing them pain.


    On this one I really take offense. Granted??? No the people that taking having children for granted are the dead beat parents that walk away and leave the other parent alone and single to try and raise the child that they had an equal share in creating. Taking for granted are those parents that are never home, too busy chasing their own personal needs and thinking that their own enjoyments in life far outweigh those of their children. Parents that sexually, emotionally or physically abuse their children take the gift of having children for granted. I DO NOT take having my children for granted. I have been there for all the good and bad. I've been supporting them emotionally and physically and monetarily when I cant even do those things for myself. I have been there!!!!!!!!!

    Aww there it is. You've had a terrible time because of your parent(s). Yep all your pain is because of a parent. Would now be the appropriate time to share with you the words I so often hear thrown at me? "Get over it." It's your life, do the best you can with it." Your past is just that so leave it there." You are your own person so you cant blame others for whatever you're suffering through now." Etc. Etc. Etc.!!!!

    You say you've read all these posts made by selfish parents that want to kill themselves and are ignorant in thinking their children are going to be ok after they die. Well I've read my fair share of posts made by young members about how their lives are Hell beause a parent does care enough to try and make their childs lives turn out for the best. Take the time to try and teach them right from wrong. To guide them with advice from their own life situations. To try and show them some morals and ethics to live by. Yet so many young members are all woes me and I hate my parents because they are such tough asses etc. And so they want to suicide. Because someone cares about them?????????

    Does anyone out there ever stop to think about the pain of a parent that sees only suicide as a solution? That there is something terribly wrong when a parent that unconditionally loves their child(ren)and has the huge responsibility of caring for and raising children has no other options before them? That because of the children they have they are selfish for thinking or acting on suicide? But the very children that they love, should they think of the same thing, well, they are met with open arms and tons of support and services that their parent is not allowed? They are not thought of as selfish, but rather helpless and abused.

    I'm certain my words are all lost on you. You arent a parent, I dont even know if you are legally an adult where you live, so please stop making assumptions about parents who are suicidal. Take a step back from your own experiences from your parent(s) abilities or lack of and try and see just how difficult raising children for a "normal" parent can be. Now throw in mental health issues like depression and picture just how damn hard it is.

    Parenting doesnt come with a manual or most of it is made up as you go along. I am a single parent. I suffer from mental and physical health issues. I am suicidal. But that doesnt make me ignorant nor selfish. I dont think my children are going to be okay when I suicide. I know though in many aspects they will be better off. Dead they will have a chance at experiencing the lives I want them to have. Alive I only serve to keep pulling them down with me.

    My cover may be the same as so many other books out there, but take the time to read my pages before you label the story as selfish and ignorant.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 26, 2010
  10. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    As for this reply, all I can do is shake my head at your lack of understanding of the situation and how easily you dismiss the effects of depression and the toll it takes on a persons life, especially a parent that has a child(ren) to consider. And to throw all the blame at a parent(s) for a childs suicidal thoughts? Like those children have no outside influences or causes for those thoughts or feelings. Wow. Very narrow thinking indeed.
     
  11. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    Thank you very much, Itmahanh. You said everything I wanted to say, and so much more.

    This rant had personally offended me too. Not because I'm a suicidal parent, but because I'm the child of one. My mother being suicidal is not selfish. You can't be selfish over something beyond your control (I know the OP didn't say suicidal feelings were selfish, but it's the same to me).

    There's also a part in particular that really bothered me:

    "Calm down Nancy, and no I didn't generalize at all, as I said everyone is in a different situation, obviously my post isn't intended at people with a physical terminal illness, but rather at those who are just depressed and wanting to take their life because of their mental illness"

    "Just" depressed? Nothing's "just" depression. Depression fucking hurts. Just look at the posts around here.

    What makes mental illnesses less serious than physical ones? They are just as painful and crippling, sometimes they can be more so. The difference is, people with physical problems are more likely to be taken seriously.

    There's something else I wanted to point out. A low self-esteem is usually present when depression is. Some of these people may truly believe their children will forget about them, or that they're better off. Many of these people don't feel important or significant, even though they are. Depression twists your view of the way things are, after all.

    I'm sorry for sounding angry and judgmental, but I am angry and I think these things needed to be said.

    Edit: I know this probably doesn't sound sincere/weird, Kyle, but I really don't want to hurt your feelings. Considering where we're posting, I'm assuming you're in pain too. It's just, I want you to understand where me and Itmahanh are coming from.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 26, 2010
  12. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Carla. Don't be too offended by kyle's posts. He doesn't know how much you have tried to be a good mother for your children and all of the abuse that you have endured at the hands of your ex-husband and all of the suicide attempts that you have survived. You're a truly wonderful person and I know that. :hug:
     
  13. JBird

    JBird Well-Known Member

    I gotta agree with Kyle and its something i've been wanting to post in depth about for a very long time but not wanting to upset those i've spoken to in the past.

    I wasn't asked to be brought into the world but thanks to my parents poor decisions both me and my sister were brought up in a broken, depressive and abusive home. My parents are as good as dead to me now because of there own actions. I sit and i read posts by mothers saying exactly what Kyle said and the only thing that goes through my mind is how the hell can a mother give up her child? thats pretty much what your doing, abandoning your child or atleast thats how your child is going to see it at some point.

    I can honeslty say, i feel i've had a shocking life, worse than my parents put together however, should i have a child all that will be put behind me, i have a little someone depnding on me and our future together. I won't continue to be depressed about the past, why should i? the most precious thing you could ever have has just entered my life, if that doesn't make you happy or start a fresh then stop at the first kid and continue to live your hole of a life, don't bring other kids into the world.

    The difference between losing a parent to suicide than a child is that no matter how old your child gets they will still be dependant on you in some ways, you are the people who were responsible for hss/hers creation, you are this childs history. I've seen 'kids' die, one of my closest friends committed suicide, others died from illnesses but their families are spurred on to live for the years their child has lost, the only thing a child dwells on after a parents death is why weren't the years i gave them good enough.



    Itmah, i don't know half of what you've been through in the past but i know that your a fantastic mother. I can't see it from your point of you because i've never experienced it and because i've been brought up wanting nothing more than a happy relationship with my parents and wondering why that couldn't be. This post only expresses my opinions and my ramblings, im sorry if it offends anyone but this could be a post repeated in 17 years time from someone elses child who's parent died (from whatever causes) or just left them.
     
  14. nagisa

    nagisa Chat & Forum Buddy Staff Alumni

    I'm really torn on this issue. While I understand the effects depression and mental illness can have on a person, I don't think parents who consider suicide have ANY idea what this will do to their child/children. I agree with Things, that a lot of parents who think about suicide as their 'only option' have self-esteem issues that prevent them from seeing their importance in their child's life. They play down that importance and tell themselves their kids will be okay to make themselves feel better about their decision to end their lives. It's understandable, since I know what mental illness does to people. But those parents really have no idea the impact this decision will have on their kids. I think a lot of parents read that and think it's not really true in their case and go back to lessening the importance they are to their kids. It's a vicious cycle, depression. But no matter your circumstances, no matter your situation, your child will be traumatized from you killing yourself. I really can't stress it enough. My mom attempted suicide when I was 13 and it had a great effect on me. It would be ignorant to say that my suicide attempts from adolescence (or at the the first attempt when I was 14) didn't stem at least partly from that. I thought something along the lines of, well my mom was hurting and tried to end her life, so what's the REAL harm in me doing the same. I'm so glad she is still here, even though we have a very rough past history together. Things are better between us now and I'm so glad we have many more years to spend time together. So, for those considering suicide, please, please rethink your decision because it will traumatize your child. I don't want to guilt trip anyone, but seriously, this is very important and there is no easy way to say that. Also, I'm sorry if my post may offend anyone, it's not my intention.
     
  15. ballinluig

    ballinluig Well-Known Member

    sorry i havent read all the replys on this thread.

    Ihave 3 boys, and they were 10,12 and 14, when i was 'ill'.

    im sorry i am a selfish person.

    i couldnt cope with life,

    i couldnt see a way forward.

    i couldnt see how to carry on.

    i couldnt see how anyone was listening to me (even though the day b4 i told a nurse at my gp unit that i couldnt carry on)

    i couldnt understand how once i was a good mum and wife.


    AND YES I DID TRY TO COMMIT SUICIDE. So yes i was selfish, 29th may 2008, 11am, up the glen on a mountian.

    But i didnt know who i was. I was 'lost', the last thing on this earth would hurt my children, but when u get to the point of actually commiting suicide u have no concept of what u have or would leave behind. I loved my boys, i loved my husband, i loved my family-but i didnt know how to carry on.even when i was in A & E all they could get out of me was did my friend remember to pick the boys up after school.



    im sorry some folk on sf are on the other boot- but im sure there are some on sf who like me, didnt know how to carry on.

    So please dont condem us all who have tried to leave this world, some of us didnt know how to carry on.

    I know take 10 tablets a day, see a shrink, cant remember things, certainly cant see being a nursery manager again or cope with a high paid job with a good job going somewhere.

    i wasnt 'well' in the head but i am trying, and beleive u me somedays its bloody hard.


    i didnt do what i did to hurt any one, so please keep an open mind to folk who do commit suicide or try to that they do it for a simple answer. life is hard when u have a mental disorder you know. donna
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 28, 2010
  16. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Having children shouldn't stop you from being a human being.
     
  17. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Yes.

    I support you so much. I don't want to add my personal story of what I grew up in, but so many around made comments (rather than take any action) that I should never have been in the home I grew up in for so long. I was running away and lived out of it for years because of it. My mother prevented social services getting involved when they called; the anger when I realised this years later, was unimaginable. And I can also say- I wouldn't grieve if my father killed himself.
     
  18. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    My mother tried to kill herself twice while she still had kids. She died from an insulin disease when she was young anyway. I don't blame her. Her body didn't work right and it made her hate herself. And some miscarriages. That's probably only half the story.

    I think parents can be judged according to their performance. Some parents are good. Some parents are bad. Some can provide, some can't. Do I blame the parents that're bad? Well, that all depends. Noeone is perfect. People get confused. They don't always make great choices. There're few people in this world that can say they did everything right. They're spotless. Most people can't say that. Most people who start the blame game are ignorant because they assume people should know already and not be confused. Well, guess what, they don't. Like some guy here said, they get lost and stayed that way. You can blame them, but in my view, we need to move forward.

    To do that, we need to stop blaming and just accept we're humans, and humans get lost and confused.

    *deleted my rant to stay on topic, sorry*
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 16, 2010
  19. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    --------
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 16, 2010
  20. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    I'm assuming you read some of my rant.

    I'm sorry you had to undergo that ordeal. I hope you're ok.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.