Partner of Woman Abused by Ex-Husband

Discussion in 'Domestic Abuse' started by Twocky61, Feb 8, 2014.

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  1. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    My partner was seriously abused by her ex husband
    I have an intense desire to kill him
    I know this will only satisfy me not her as he is now out of her life - Claire says let it go as she has - she also says what use would I be serving mandatory life
    I cope with these intense feeling with self harm
    I know I am over protective towards her but she does have freedom to see her friends & family unlike she had with her ex
    He controlled her not allowing her to see friends & family & those rare times they did come round he made her wear clothing which covered her bruising and if any bruising was noticed then it was accidental bruising on her part
    Claire has told me a lot of her ordeal & I am aware there is more which she has blocked out - some of what she has told me is horrific - BDSM/rape etc. I wont go into specifics but suffice to say I want to kill him
    Does anyone else in a similar situation to mine have these intense feeling towards their partners abusive ex?
    :feedback: greatfully appreciated
  2. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    Also any women who have been or are in the same situation as Claire please feel free to post how your situation affects your present partner - Does he want to do as I do? Kill your abusive ex?
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Twocky61, please clarify for me...You are feeling anger, but you do not intend to harm anyone, right?

    Claire is correct that exacting violence on someone - even if it's on her behalf in vengeance for wrongs done to her - will not help her and could land you in very serious trouble.

    Please note that SF doesn't condone violence or the sharing of someone's violent intentions. I'm glad that you are sharing your feelings. But please draw the line at feelings, and omit what you'd like to "do" to others. (I understand you're angry and upset on behalf of someone you love. Violence for violence just makes more violence, hun.)

    A constructive way to use your strong feelings might be to become involved in community work to help spread the word about domestic violence or to help out in fundraising for a shelter. Strong voices and feelings can do a lot to help in these constructive ways. Just ideas...:)

    PS: Seriously, please clarify as asked above. Thanks. :)
  4. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    Sorry about the wording of the above post Acy; yes of course it is a wish to kill Claire's ex; just that, a wish even though I also have the intense desire

    You have my word Acy that it is only a wish/desire not an intention

    If you feel the post either contravenes SF's ToS or could act as a trigger to other members of this forum, then please feel free to delete the post; in fact I just tried to delete it, but of course edit is only available up to an hour post posting


    Nick (Twocky61)
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Thanks for responding Twocky61 - Nick. I'm sure that the instinct to protect a loved one is hard-wired into us. As humans, we do have the choice NOT to act on feelings of vengeance generated from anger. I'm glad you do not really have any intentions that way. *nods (as if I were wise)*

    I also really hope that you find a safe outlet for your feelings. As I suggested, there are some very good ways to use that energy and even the adding one's voice to the cause against domestic violence.

    I feel for you and Claire both that hard things happened to her. I hope that together you can work out a way to deal with it.

    Be safe. :hug:
  6. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    Thanks Acy

  7. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    While the feelings of anger are understandable, I would caution you to make clear to your partner your feelings are born out of natural feelings of wanting to protect anybody we love. It would be easy for her to see your strong reaction to a situation that had nothing to do with you (presumably you were not part of her life during this?) and your declarations of what you would have done as a condemnation of what she did. If the topic comes up in any way and you immediately begin talking about all the things you want to do now or would have done then it is in some ways simply saying (or could be taken as) that she did not do enough. Then you add on that to deal with these intense feelings you self harm - that to be honest is very close to punishing her again for having been in a bad situation and making her watch as her ex still controls people in her life and brings them pain and by proxy, her more pain. While the anger is understandable, your reaction and actions to that anger could really use some refining if shielding her from pain is your goal.

    Take Care

    - Ben
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