I have reservations about posting this... not sure why. Maybe I just don't want to commit it to writing. Every day I wake up and I wish I hadn't. Every few days I think about whether I should just rid the world of my pathetic excuse of an existence. I have a plan and every few days I think "this is the day I'm gonna do it." I don't exactly know why I change my mind/haven't done it. It's a sure-fire plan, unlike my previous (lame) attempts. I'm not in a good place. Circumstantially, there's a lot going on with the possibility of losing the roof over my head and at the least having to trawl through my belongings and get rid of a lot and try to get some new furniture. I'm kind of OCD in how attached I am to some things and how I like things to be, but I know its better than losing my flat (though doing that isn't the only thing needed to keep me here). I have health issues, money issues, etc. This week is the week I got married all those years ago, when I was starting out, had a lot of hope, ambition, and thought I was maybe worth something... could be someone. I don't feel any of that in the slightest now. I'm in some pretty heavy therapy, but I still don't know if even that is going to "change" things. I see a psych nurse as well. Sometimes I feel like just telling them I'm not worth the hassle though. I'm a failure, a waste of space, useless, and just a drain on society and to the few people who care about me. I don't have any family (I do have living family, but they aren't a part of my life, and either they don't want to be or I don't want them to be depending on who you're talking about). My closest friend is 90mins drive away and I have no car and they can't afford to visit me. Every time I sleep I dread it. I know I'll either have nightmares or just plain bad dreams that go on forever. I'll relive traumas night after night, and wake up remembering what an awful person I am, and all the reasons I should die. And I am an awful person. I've done awful things. I've hurt too many people. I've thrown away too many chances. I'm lazy, stupid, etc. I just don't see my life ever changing. I feel like I've tried in the last several years. At one point I thought things might get better.... spent some time in the U.S., had some hope, but ended up coming home and losing everything that gave me that hope. I feel like I'm just passing time now until I die.