Passing time until I die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by HawkHood, Apr 2, 2014.

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  1. HawkHood

    HawkHood Active Member

    I have reservations about posting this... not sure why. Maybe I just don't want to commit it to writing.

    Every day I wake up and I wish I hadn't. Every few days I think about whether I should just rid the world of my pathetic excuse of an existence. I have a plan and every few days I think "this is the day I'm gonna do it." I don't exactly know why I change my mind/haven't done it. It's a sure-fire plan, unlike my previous (lame) attempts.

    I'm not in a good place. Circumstantially, there's a lot going on with the possibility of losing the roof over my head and at the least having to trawl through my belongings and get rid of a lot and try to get some new furniture. I'm kind of OCD in how attached I am to some things and how I like things to be, but I know its better than losing my flat (though doing that isn't the only thing needed to keep me here). I have health issues, money issues, etc.

    This week is the week I got married all those years ago, when I was starting out, had a lot of hope, ambition, and thought I was maybe worth something... could be someone.

    I don't feel any of that in the slightest now. I'm in some pretty heavy therapy, but I still don't know if even that is going to "change" things. I see a psych nurse as well. Sometimes I feel like just telling them I'm not worth the hassle though. I'm a failure, a waste of space, useless, and just a drain on society and to the few people who care about me.

    I don't have any family (I do have living family, but they aren't a part of my life, and either they don't want to be or I don't want them to be depending on who you're talking about). My closest friend is 90mins drive away and I have no car and they can't afford to visit me.

    Every time I sleep I dread it. I know I'll either have nightmares or just plain bad dreams that go on forever. I'll relive traumas night after night, and wake up remembering what an awful person I am, and all the reasons I should die. And I am an awful person. I've done awful things. I've hurt too many people. I've thrown away too many chances. I'm lazy, stupid, etc.

    I just don't see my life ever changing. I feel like I've tried in the last several years. At one point I thought things might get better.... spent some time in the U.S., had some hope, but ended up coming home and losing everything that gave me that hope.

    I feel like I'm just passing time now until I die.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 2, 2014
  2. MisterBGone


    It sounds like you could sure use something useful & constructive to do. That is, not only something to pass the time, but also to give you a sense of fulfillment & self-pride. All of which of course, goes a great way towards restoring your self-confidence, which can & will do wonders (sort of like the opposite of what you're most likely feeling now). Now, I don't know how capable you are of attaining such an, for want of a better word, "activity," but whether it be a hobby, a position volunteering or working in some capacity, a brighter future and better life do potentially lie ahead. I think the big thing is if you're just able to somehow forget the past & focus on the present, which will make the future obviously better. Do you see a doctor as well? Preferably a specialist? All due respect to a nurse practitioner, but at the end of the day, they are still a nurse. And yes, it goes without saying, there is a difference. I would even say the same in between a general practitioner & a psychiatrist. It's just an entirely different level of medical expertise. You've made bold moves before: coming to america; you can do it again, good luck to you! :)
    ps-I'm sorry you're going through this though--it's a horrible experience to withstand...(ask me how I know!)
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 2, 2014
  3. HawkHood

    HawkHood Active Member

    Hi, and thanks for your reply MisterBGone. I completely understand what you're saying. I've found voluntary work very difficult. A lot of it (at last in my part of the UK) is very unrewarding and also I've proven to be very unreliable due to missing shifts on my bad (which really are bad) days. I should have mentioned (but still, even now, feel embarrassed to admit) that a large part of my problem is DID and I don't always know "who" I will wake up as. I'm a tech admin at another site, but that has also thrown up a lot of difficulties as the owners demand a lot and my ideas and input often aren't welcome, despite the time and effort I've put in to such a large site "behind the scenes" of what many members see, especially regarding the income of the site. I also helped to build another popular site fro depressed teens from the ground up.

    I find it very hard to socialise, tbh. It drains me, and I get very panicky about it. I know it's something that can be worked on, somewhere inside me, but it all seems like such an uphill battle and I doubt if I can ever truly accomplish it, especially comparing myself to my first ex wife who is now something of a media guru who travels around the world and is very successful, or my grandfather, who is a millionaire, or my aunt who has an MBE from the Queen. Hell, even my brother, who never finished high school (very rare in the UK) is more "successful" than me. My social skills are ridiculous; I can't even go into the city centre or the mall.

    When I talked about my nurse, he's a CPN -- a Community Psychiatric Nurse. They have specialist training in psychiatric care, and spend time in intensive psych wards as well as with out-patients; he's very qualified. My psychiatrist ... I doubt if he's ever even been in a psych ward or seen in-patients, which is normal for psychiatrists in the UK. I see a clinical psychologist for therapy re the DID as well as my psych nurse, but I'm still left wondering if they really understand how I feel every day. Sometimes I let go and try to describe how I feel, sometimes an alter just seems to deal with it all, sometimes (lately after a long time of therapy) there is a bit of both. I just don't know.

    I guess that's it. I just don't know. I know I can't socialise yet. I made it through five years of a highly intensive degree in neurology and also anthropology/arts subjects and then my father died and my wife left me all within a two month period and ever since then my life fell apart. I've made mistake after mistake. Maybe all I've ever been is one huge mistake?

    I'm not reliable. I live my lie in fear... still. Every day I just wake up and think if evolution had its way, I wouldn't be here. So what right do I have?
  4. HawkHood

    HawkHood Active Member

    I'm a failure, an embarrassment and a complete waste of space. I'm sorry to anyone on this site whose time I've wasted pretending otherwise.
  5. MisterBGone


    I think that you are a truly remarkable and extraordinary human being. For someone to have done so much in Life; accomplished so many diverse things, I wish I could be more like you. Perhaps intrinsic rewards are not as fulfilling as those you could credit on a piece of paper or hang in a frame on the wall, but to those you have touched--even albeit in an anonymous way--a significant difference has been made, in a very positive and profound manner. One which would have simply not taken place without your great efforts. I don't believe that it is healthy nor necessarily accurate to go around comparing ourselves to others in our immediate family & friends circles... Because what difference does it make, in the end, really? Who cares? Is it human nature? Why yes, of course, but it still doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. By this logic, mindset, rationale: every person who has achieved any level of fame or success in their lives is automatically to be viewed and proved as better than their mere mortal family members, friends & c & c... For you to have delved into such interesting and challenging subjects as neurology & anthropology is to be applauded. I can't see myself lasting one term in such an intensive area of study. I suppose that the way I see it, you've got to accept and appreciate what makes you uniquely you. What separates you from everybody else out there in the world. Including your friends and family. Because that is the trait that makes you most desirable as a personality in the entire universe. There is only one you. One me. And if we don't grasp and seize the opportunity of our own individual gifts and talents, then we might as well just be like everybody else, and blend right into society, in the most boring and mundane manner imaginable.
  6. Nelly1921

    Nelly1921 Well-Known Member

    Mephisto - I can't add anything to make it better or to take away your pain.

    But I like seeing you in chat and I value having you there. I enjoy talking with you.

    Wish I could hold your hand in those really bad days when you need to stay in bed and have someone bring you cups of tea.

  7. HawkHood

    HawkHood Active Member

    I just don't know any more. Some days I'm ok. I come on here and I use chat and it's an escape, but it feels like pretending, cos I know that sooner or later I'll be thinking about the plan I have. I don't even need to write letters because the one person I'd want to know knows everything, what to do, how I feel, and there's nothing left to be said. Also I've tried dumb methods in the past that weren't sure to work and ended up hospitalised, and I've promised myself that will never happen again.

    People think I'm smart. Honestly, it bugs me. I read a lot of books, I came up with theories, and yes, I was broad. Technically I specialised in neurology, but I could never restrain myself; the anthropology, psychology, chemistry, literature... I never did it to be smart -- I did it because I always thought I could help people, in some stupid way. It's like those were my armaments (wanting a better word) cos for some dumbass reason my brain can hold that information so I might as well do something with it. And what have I done? Spent the best part of a decade working on two internet forums and a year advising people in disability only to finally prove I messed up my own life too much to rely on myself to be there. Yeah, that's smart.

    I mess up two serious relationships, I have a little boy who has no idea why the man he looked up to was booted from his life, I have a family who wants nothing to do with me because I will never meet their standards, and I leech off society whilst I watch my very few friends work their arses off.

    So what, I had trauma in my past. Big deal. My dumbass brain with all its so-called intelligence came up with a wonderful way to cope with that by cutting itself into parts. Like people haven't gone through worse and survived. Like evolution even intended people like me to be here.

    I have no right to be here. I have no reason. I feel like a coward for waking up every day.
  8. Nelly1921

    Nelly1921 Well-Known Member

    Ive been sitting in front of your last post for about 20 minutes. I wish more people would reply to your thread. Its like its hidden or something because I know there are lots of people out there on SF who value you and if they saw it i know they would reply and they would know what to say. Cause I don't, Im not good with advice.

    However you said that you had "no right to be here". Well you do. You have every right to be here just like everyone else.

    Mephisto - you do have a right to be here, your reason for being here may yet to be discovered and waking up each day to that darkness that invades takes a warrior - not a coward.
  9. LostInside

    LostInside New Member

    Hey there, Mephisto. I can tell you one thing, you might not realize it now but your kid depends on you, he will for his whole life. Live for your child, be apart of his life and make him into a good person. It will bring you so much pride when you see him succeed later on. I know how it feels to believe that your life is crumbling down, I feel like that right now.

    But, I can tell you something that I know for a fact, losing a father can set the dominoes into action to cause somebody a hard life. My father died when I was ten, then things progressively started going downhill from there. Please try and tough it out, for your kid. People would be sad if something happened to you but you just are too clouded by depression at the moment to see it. I hope you are alright, bud.
  10. issy

    issy Member

    wow , your story very like me.. cept i jsut let my mental health nurse go today.. i think Friends are what we need and mine too is a long way a way. i never see her. i tell a lie as i saw her 2 weeks a go . but it will be months til i see her again.. there is always hope.xx dont give up
  11. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Life can change. I believe we are all given a second chance to right the wrongs in life. With this in mind I left all my mistakes in the past where they belong in the trust that I am not that person anymore. I strive to live for something bigger than myself for the greater good for all the living. I learned that I don't have to live life facing my problems alone. My trust in this belief gets me through even the toughest of circumstances and it's been paying off since day one.

    A renewing of the mind can do wonders.
  12. HawkHood

    HawkHood Active Member

    I think I've given up my rights by screwing up so many important things -- people's lives -- in such a major way. It also seems more like cowardice to not want to be here and to carry on solely because of my fears of death rather than my hope for a better life.

    I'm sorry if I misled anyone in my posts. Perhaps I was thinking more of hat I've said in chat. The little boy isn't my biological child, though I was his father figure and I loved him very much and I know he was the best kid and looked up to me. I think of him a lot, and I think of how I was pulled from his life and my main hope is that he will forget me. From my perspective, I loved him very much. From his, I hope he's young enough that he'll forget that I existed, but I worry that because he hasn't got any explanation for why I left his life then that could harm him. It wasn't my choice, but I wish he had something more gentle than he did, given how much he looked up to me, and for how long I knew him. I considered him to be a son, and I wish that I'd been given the chance to help him understand my disappearance.

    What upsets me the most is remembering if him being asked if he'd like me to be his step-father and then his having no idea why I was no longer a part of his life. He "looked up" to me, and I loved him very much and I was refused even the chance to explain why I wouldn't be around any more.

    I used to see my psych nurse twice a week. It's been more difficult lately, though I do have him as well as my psychologist. I just don't know why he bothers with me, tbh.

    I don't deserve a second chance. If anything, I had it.

    I had a second chance. After 12 years with one woman, I'd given up, then I got a second chance. I screwed that up as well. I travelled half way across the world thinking I has a second chance. Screwed that up. Education wise, there aren't second chances. My family? Don't even know the meaning. My Aunt's an f'ing priest and even she won't give me a "second chance." Not that I'm sure what I would want to do with my family now.

    I feel like I've lived my life. I was given ample chances and I wasted them. I wanted to make a difference and I wasted that. I don't know hwy people waste their time on me.

    It seems like it would be much better if I took the rational course of action and simply rid the world of myself. Why make society or other people pay for my existence?
  13. HawkHood

    HawkHood Active Member

    Sigh. Just an update and a bit of a vent....

    I don't feel as suicidal as I did two weeks ago. By that, I mean that I know the difference between being completely on the edge and being a little way back. I still don't feel secure about anything in my life (money, health, my apartment, etc.), but I'm getting by for now.

    I just have to not think about life too much. I was fantasising again this morning about the method I have planned. It's hard to find reasons not to do it. I feel like I made a bad mistake this week. My psych nurse made a home visit on Thursday and we sat and talked for over an hour. I feel more relaxed when he's here, and I tried to tell him how I feel, but I seem so ... "normal," I guess when he's here, because I know that for that time I'm safe. I don't feel like I gave him an accurate picture at all of how bad I feel every day when up wake up to my life again. I don't think he really gets just how far I feel the gap being between where where I am now and any sort of "happy" life.

    We talked a bit about me doing things I might enjoy, but that's so hard. I don't deserve to enjoy anything. And anything I do seems completely pointless. E.g. I could spend time working on the hundreds of photos I still haven't worked on, but what's the point? Who cares about my dumbass photography? It's lame anyway. And I should be working on other things, like the other website that I work for.* What's the point in enjoying anything anyway? I just don't see a future for myself. I don't see who would ever employ me after so many years being out of any sort of work, or how I would ever afford either to live here or to move. Like I say -- the gap between where I am now and any sort of "happy" life seems so vast. I don't believe it's ever going to happen, so why do I bother trying to get through each day?

    *(I might add that's complicated. The work I've done there in the past is very much unappreciated and despite having a list of things that could be done to improve the site for its users, I'm not allowed to do any of them, instead being asked to do things that I (and others) don't think really make a difference.)

    ***My psych nurse tells me to remember that the things that happened to me are in the past, just memories now -- that they can't hurt me. They can and they do hurt me, though! The mistakes I've made in my life, the way I've lived it thus far, the way I live it even today, the way I feel every day, the things I'm capable of doing or not doing, are all dictated by that past. They're not just memories, and I can't just throw a switch and pretend like that's all they are.***

    I'm just waiting for each day to come, go, be over with, and then rinse and repeat. I'm almost waiting for everything to finally fall apart and push me over the edge. Wouldn't it simply be better to be free of all this crap?
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