Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by BelovedDreamer, Feb 29, 2008.

  1. BelovedDreamer

    BelovedDreamer Well-Known Member

    Two of my closest friends also happen to be two of the most passive-aggressive people I know. I love them both dearly, but it's become increasingly clear that they aren't people with whom it is healthy for me to be around. We have a long history, and sometimes we're great together. We have a lot of fun. But lately, I guess as I've become less willing to play the games, walk the delicate line, involved in being in a close relationship with a very passive-aggressive person, the relationships just haven't been working as well. I keep getting hurt, or ending up angry at myself for putting aside what's best for me when in a more healthy relationship a win-win compromise could have been reached. Some of it's my fault, I know, because I generally am not good at confrontations or protecting myself, something I'm really working on, but just about everyone else involved in my life keeps telling me that I need to either end these friendships or disentangle myself emotionally to a point where I can continue to spend time with them without getting trampled or ending up fighting a constant uphill battle that leaves me frustrated. The whole thing came to a head during a gigantic argument a couple of weeks ago and at this point I'm just at a loss as to what my next move should be in the chilly war of passive-aggressive weirdness that has appeared in the wake. I've already paid for a super expensive trip after graduation with both of these people, so I can't just cut all ties right now (plus, I love them both, and I know them well enough to know how they learned to act the way they do). But I don't know what to do. They won't speak to me about the issues that I know are causing the tension, at least, not in a direct fashion. When I try to just have a calm conversation about any of the touchy subjects one of them clams up (she hates when there is tension) and suddenly has no opinions about anything. The other one explodes in anger. Last time I tried to talk to her about something that had upset me she exploded in rage, started screaming at me until I couldn't get a word in edgewise, and then started slamming things around and dented my door somewhere in all the slamming-ness. I just am at such a loss. How do you have a conversation with someone who the moment you bring something up suddenly conveniently has no issues with anything? How do you talk to someone whose response to being confronted with difficult topics is to become so loud and/or physically violent that you have no chance at having a civil conversation? They're both masters at revisionist history, too. I obviously never would because it would be ridiculously inappropriate and a breech of trust on a huge scale, but sometimes I wish I could tape record one of our interchanges just to play back to both of us later to prove that I'm not crazy. How do you talk to people who won't let you talk to them? Sometimes they make me doubt myself so much, it's hard to hold onto what I know I experienced, when it'd be so much easier to just nod and agree just to make the whole mess go away. I don't want to lose them, but I can't keeping running in circles and walking on tiptoe, I just can't. This constant tension is really getting to me. It's affecting my sleep. We live in the same dorm and campus. Avoiding them is not an option, even if I didn't feel like that would be juvenile and unproductive. One of them is really fond of communicating via email instead of actually having face to face conversations (which I sort of understand as it gives you more time to consider and less opportunity to say something you'll regret). I really dislike email (to me it's a way to contact professors, not loved ones, at least not when the loved ones live two doors down...), but I've been thinking about writing a letter (the paper, not e-kind). I don't know if this is a good idea though, since it's a form of communication that I'm not entirely comfortable with. (plus, childishly, it sort of feels like a capitulation to her manipulation. one more time in which she gets her way by making any other alternative impossible, but I may just be letting my anger make me petty). I just don't know. I just don't.