Without lifting a knife or a bottle, I'm destroying myself slowly. If I don't exercise, my back hurts. If I don't follow up with that rheumatologist my joints ache. If I don't eat I get hungry. If I don't sleep I get a headache. I don't exercise, I haven't called the doctor's office, I haven't gone shopping in far longer than I've been out of food, and, well, it's 5:45AM. I can't go on much longer. I hate myself for all of this... hate myself more when I go to active self-harm and cut and drink. Might be doing some of that soon, too. I expect to begin having continual panic attacks, much like last Christmas. Dealt with that with alcohol, let me sleep a good 14 hours a night. Oh my god, I'm such a fucking mess. I can't imagine myself being happy ever again.