Passive Self Harm

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by aoeu, Dec 24, 2008.

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  1. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Without lifting a knife or a bottle, I'm destroying myself slowly. If I don't exercise, my back hurts. If I don't follow up with that rheumatologist my joints ache. If I don't eat I get hungry. If I don't sleep I get a headache.

    I don't exercise, I haven't called the doctor's office, I haven't gone shopping in far longer than I've been out of food, and, well, it's 5:45AM.

    I can't go on much longer. I hate myself for all of this... hate myself more when I go to active self-harm and cut and drink. Might be doing some of that soon, too. I expect to begin having continual panic attacks, much like last Christmas. Dealt with that with alcohol, let me sleep a good 14 hours a night. Oh my god, I'm such a fucking mess. I can't imagine myself being happy ever again.
  2. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Well, heating up my rum to room temperature; tastes better that way.

    I'm eyeing my knife, I don't think it'll help. I want to cut some deep arteries, but it's not sharp enough.

    I've got a month's supply of both my medications, which have a strong interaction with alcohol... not sure if I'm going to take a bunch of those or not. One has hallucinogenic effects in large doses as well, which is kinda neat.

    Forget the passive shit, I'm doing this right... Well... I'm still doing the passive shit, at the same time!
  3. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    You know, sufficient alcohol seems to nullify the need for cutting. I'm going to need to get some more to last the night, though.
  4. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    I like drinking better than cutting. I'm going to do it again. I'm such a fucking loser.
  5. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    I wish I drank last night.

    My back is killing me. But now I get new scars. I'm looking more and more like solid snake. All without leaving my house!


    Sorry you're feeling down.

  6. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Ugh, hung over and feeling like shit. Still, I'm going to be drinking again tonight. I'm on the verge of another panic attack over nothing in particular.
  7. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Crying again... More rum seems to be the solution. There's no way out. I refuse most help that's offered [for the most part because I'm shy] and I fuck up the rest [mostly because I'm an asshole]... That doesn't amount to much, anyhow.

    I hate what I'm becoming. I hate drinking and cutting, I hate wasting away. I can't stop... It's either alcohol or panic attacks, and I can't fucking do anything. I just sit and waste my fucking time and hate myself. I want to learn all about the human body, but it's too fucking hard. I want to meditate [a constructive way to improve my mood] but I panic as soon as I'm unoccupied. I want to get a job, I want to pay my rent for the next 4 months, I want to get my courses sorted out. I want to get some fucking food so I'm not hungry all the goddamn time.

    Fuck, it's the anniversary of me becoming suicidal today, I think. All I ever needed to feel better was someone to be here for me, but that's apparently too much to ask.
  8. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    Aoeu you sound like you are in so much pain right now and i'm very worried about you. I understand what you call passive SH; it is when you simply don't care enough to do the things that maintains your health. It is less about the pain that you inflict and more that you don't caring about anything that happens to you. If anything that is more scary than SH because your emotions are so numbed by this point nothing seems like it will help, not even SH so you don't do anything. I read that the time when people are at the most risk for suicide is actually when they start to get better because their energy levels increase and they are able to act out ideas whereas before they get help they don't have any energy for even ending the horrific pain they are in. The apathy runs that deep.
    Last year I used to feel as you do. I was drinking far more than i should and using it as a 'solution' to get me through the night. I was self-medicating on over-the-counter medicines simply to alter the state i was in because i figured anything was better that where i was, even if it meant i was puking into the toilet for hours. I felt there was no way out, i had attempted to do everything that people said would make me better and none of it worked. I gave up.
    But I know that there is always a point at which a person makes a choice. I also believe depression can be helped effectively way before this point but some people unfortunately aren't able to get this help for one reason or another. I felt at the time (a yr ago) there was no way out - but there was. One day i had a choice and i choose going to hospital. I still suffer from depression, it still hurts, but i have climbed out of that bottomless canyon i was in - when i first joined this forum. Just look at the name i chose for myself, i think that explains everything.
    You want so much and that is a great thing, you still have hope - even though it does not seem like that right now. Depression is so utterly painful, thats why it is such a damaging illness. I think you should be proud of how much you have gotten through up to this point. If nothing else, my depression showed me i was stronger than i thought i was. I hope you will believe that about yourself too one day.
    At the point you are at now i don't think you will be able to pick yourself up on your own, i think it will take professional help. The trouble is getting that professional help when you can't even be bothered to clean your teeth in the morning! Do you have family or friends that can help you? What help have you refused? For so long i gave hints about the damage i was doing to myself and the ideas in my head without explictly saying i was suicidal. This is the first step, tell someone/anyone and don't stop saying it till you get the help you deserve. I think at this point you are so much out of your comfort zone anyway that it may be the time when you commit all of your energy to finding a way to get better. After you do this, a job, learning, everything else you want will start to fall into place.
    You aren't what the depression tells you. You aren't weak or pathetic or a loser or any of the horrid words it can conjure up. I want for you to have someone that tells you this. It is okay to be angry at the depression but don't think the only way to be rid of it is through cutting or suicide. I'm learning this slowly.
  9. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    I appreciate your post. You accurately described a lot of what I'm feeling in there. I am getting professional help, I have an initial appointment with a therapist the second week of January. I don't hold much hope for that either on account of the fact that my previous attempt at getting counselling ended in her basically giving up. Following 3 sessions of mostly frustration on both our parts I quietly dropped out, telling her I'd been picked up by another therapist. I don't blame her - my mood would tank badly and I don't recall ever telling her why. And I know exactly why: my mood depends directly on my relationship with a significant friend [usually Sarah, though it varies].

    The help I refer to is generally friendship related. I've only accepted instant messenger offers from a handful of people on SF, and one of them genuinely gave me hope for the future and even made me happy. She and I had plans to go on a trip together around this time, but she cancelled them with a text message about 3 weeks ago, and stopped talking to me about 5 days before that. That's the reason I tanked most recently.

    I don't think that cutting and suicide are the only solutions. I know I'd be happy if I could get a good relationship going. That's what's saved me so many times over the last year. But they all abandoned me for various reasons and I don't think I'm even willing to try getting emotionally attached to anyone anymore... just hurts too much.

    No, and that's pretty much the entire problem. All my friends are gone, now, and I can't really go to my family with problems.

    All that said, your post has inspired me to start taking my medication again. Thanks
  10. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you have decided to take your medicine again - that is a great positive step. In regards to therapy i think it is important not to make judgements based upon previous appts (I know how easily it is to do this!). There are some bad counsellors/therapists out there, i have had several! One told me i was making things up and i wasn't that depressed as i could make it to appts - she also told me i couldn't go to a depression group she ran because i was too negative and i would be detrimental to the others there. I will never forgive her for that. I had another counsellor that i thought hated me (paranoia!) because i wouldn't/couldn't listen to anything she said. I went back to her a year later when i was more ready to open up and listen and gained real trust with her. You need to find one that you click with, but this will take longer than 3 sessions. Therapy takes time and it is awful that you felt your previous therapist gave up on you after only 3 sessions - that isn't enough time to even begin to start to build up trust. It isn't your fault you couldn't talk to her.

    """I know I'd be happy if I could get a good relationship going. That's what's saved me so many times over the last year. But they all abandoned me for various reasons and I don't think I'm even willing to try getting emotionally attached to anyone anymore... just hurts too much."""

    I understand this all too well! When i first started therapy the main reason i went was to get answers to ensure that i could maintain steady relationships, because i believed if i could do that then i would be in control of my own moods. But i'm learning that therapy isn't about other people, and i cannot be emotionally dependent upon others - it exhaust them and me. I'm learning the only thing within my control is how i react to what happens around me. Most people's moods are affected by external causes, that's pretty normal, but when you are depressed you have lost your stabilizing inner core and so things that would normally upset someone for a few days, bashes you to the ground and keeps you pinned down for weeks. If you allow all your emotions to be controlled by friendships then you will continue to be hurt. I've learnt this the hard way many times over, and i'm still learning. I used to give my all to people to help them, i'd listen to them for hours, they'd ring me at all times of the night.....but eventually they'd get better and move onwards in their lives and i wouldn't. They weren't wrong for doing this, but it made me feel as though i was worth nothing. I'd given so much and not really gained anything. Now i realise one of my main motivations for helping them was to keep them emotionally dependent on me. It is not a nice thing to think/say about myself, i wanted to believe i did it because i cared more than most, but i'm starting to learn that i can help in a healthy way without giving every part of me away. I'm starting to learn healthy boundries.

    Depression is painful, i wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. I'm starting therapy again in jan too, sometimes i just want it to all go away, i want a knight in shining armour to save me and make everything right again. But the difficult thing is that i now know that i'm the only one that can save myself. And that is hard when you don't feel strong enough!
  11. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Ugh, hurts too much to cut this morning... So I'm just stuck with the infinite nothingness that is my life.
  12. d-pressed

    d-pressed Well-Known Member

    Hi there,

    I'm sorry that you are obviously in a lot of pain at the moment.

    You only went to three sessions with the last therapist - I hate to say it, but you gave up on the therapist and not the other way around by leaving. That you're going back is good - this time you need to perhaps go in with a different strategy to last time so that you can really build a relationship with your therapist and feel as though you are really being supported. It's one of these things you have to stick with. It took me several months - I quit and came back - to realise it's use, because previously I had had this warped vision of what therapy was 'supposed to do' for me. I expected too much of the therapist and too little of my own input and efforts outside the therapy room, if that makes sense.

    You also say that when you have someone, a friend, your mood improves. This isn't really healthy for a number of reasons. Becoming reliant on another to maintain your mood means that in the event that this person cannot be there for you or even betrays you, you will be hit especially hard indeed. The healthiest of relationships can only really happen when the persons involved have sufficient independence and self-esteem to be able to carry on when the other cannot be there anymore.

    You might think then, what is the point of a relationship if it means you can simply move on with your life were the significant other (be it a friend or partner etc) dies/leaves? There's a difference between dependency and a relationship really based on love, respect etc that people nowadays find hard to distinguish. Relationships are not supposed to fill up a 'void' in your life, but expand your boundaries - which ultimately help you grow as a person. I suppose you've probably heard the saying that you have to love yourself before others can love you? While it probably sounds a bit cringey it certainly has an element of truth in it. One day you'll understand it better I'm sure.:smile:

    I'll shut up now as I'm probably boring you, but I hope I make some sense.
    Good luck with the therapy, let us know how you get on.
  13. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Ooh, okay, I see that I said "Following 3 sessions of mostly frustration on both our parts I quietly dropped out"... Your interpretations of this are correct as it was written, but that's not what I was trying to say. There were 3 frustrating sessions after 9 prior sessions - a total of 12 before I dropped out.

    Yeah, I've noticed. I'm a complete mess and I can't get out of this, as much as I try. The big problem is, I think, the depression. Ordinarily... well, I don't know what's ordinary. Formerly, anyhow, I was independent, but last summer I started sinking hard and now I'm just screwed when I'm alone, and I'm always alone.

    *Sigh* I'm too panicky right now, I think I need alcohol [which runs exactly counter to what I talked to my new therapist about in our first session]
  14. Hurted

    Hurted Well-Known Member

    This actually isn't self harm, it is self destruction.

    Anyway, i hope that you feeling better now...
  15. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    I see no reason there needs to be only one person... And I don't think I'm asking too much. I just want someone to talk to. Probably my best time over the last year was when I did have several people around me I could talk to. But I'm isolated at this point... They all left.
  16. d-pressed

    d-pressed Well-Known Member


    I did actually write you a lengthy reply yesterday before my internet connection died.

    It was actually a lot like I said before, re relationships. It's not a lot to ask, for a friend. I can really relate to this. I used to think to myself after a very brief period when I had some 'friends' (who actually turned out to be quite malicious individuals) for the first and really only time during my school years, 'why? Surely it's not a lot to ask, just someone to talk to, just a friend.' Again, it's partly about changing perceptions as I mentioned before, but also about getting out there to meet new people too, which can be quite difficult when one is depressed. I would suggest something like an adult evening course, dance, art cooking or whatever, just to meet more like-minded people.

    As for the therapist, relationships with them can be just as rocky as with anyone else. With my therapist, I told her I quit "this is totally pointless, this talking at you thing, it's not working" after several months, and came back shortly later. Don't take it as a set-back. I'm glad you're going to see them again. When is your next session? I think it would be beneficial to talk about the past difficult sessions, and your relationship between yourself and therapist.

    And, by the way --alcohol will make you more depressed!! Warm bath, camomile tea, calm music, okay?:smile:
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