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Past abuse is affecting my marriage

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My first relationship (we were 14 years old) was an abusive one from beginning to end. The abuse began with my boyfriend relentlessly pressuring me to be intimate with him and allowing his older brother to make crude, sexual comments towards me about my body as if I were an object and not a person. My boyfriend would tell me that "Actions speak louder than words." "You don't care about me if you don't do this." And I believed him. He led me to the back of the neighborhood where there was a large clearing with a retention pond behind it. I was made to believe that we were going to enjoy a picnic together and possibly engage in some innocent kissing. My 14 year old brain didn't think twice about it. That is until we got there. He insisted that we lay our blanket down in an area where others couldn't see us so that we could have more privacy. We were practically in a drainage ditch. We talked for a few minutes and he leaned in for a kiss. Then another... but this time he was more forceful. He pushed me down so that I was laying face up and began lifting my dress up and touching me in a sexual manner. I froze. I didn't know what to do or say. We were alone out there. I looked down and he had already pulled down his pants. I managed to say the words "please no I can't" Could anyone hear me if I tried to yell? I began to cry and turned my head to the side to avoid his stare. I couldn't look at him. I remember a burning sensation. I'm ruined. That was just the beginning of a 14 month long relationship with him. I couldn't wear makeup or cute clothes. I couldn't hang out with anyone except him and I couldn't stop to talk to anyone at school. If someone looked in my direction, wether I acknowledged them or not, I was automatically cheating on him. If I suggested leaving him he threatened to kill himself or harm me. He was successful in doing so on several occasions. If I tried to walk away from him he would grab me by the arm and dig his fingers in so hard that it left bruises. He used intimidation to control me. People noticed how withdrawn I had become and were concerned about me. I didnt want anyone to think I couldnt take care of myself so I made excuses for him and covered up any marks left by him. The relationship ended when he was caught cheating on me. I finally mustered up the courage to end the relationship and requested that my classes be changed to avoid bumping into him at school. I eventually admitted to my parents that he had been verbally abusive but I never told them about the rape and other forms of physical abuse. I only disclosed that information to my closest friend and my husband. Flash forward to 2017. I'm now 24 years old and married. My husband and I dated for a year and were engaged for another whole year before we moved in together September of 2016. I would like to say that we knew each other pretty well before marriage. However, since we moved away from my family he has become a different person. Everything makes him angry, no matter how small/mild the situation. Any minor inconveniences cause angry outbursts. Usually, these are projected onto me as I am the only other person in this household. This unprovoked, maniacal rage triggers memories/feelings from my past and I either 1) stop dead in my tracks not knowing how to respond desperately searching for a way to diffuse the situation. Internal panic.... or 2) burst into tears and repeat the words "please no" over and over. This just makes him more agitated. We haven't had sex in at least 4 months and we don't sleep in the same room anymore. I don't know what to do. I've suggested counseling but he insists that it won't help him. He says that he can't help his anger issues and that I just have to be patient with him because I have the power to control myself and he doesn't. I'm tired of living this way. Im tired of feeling lonely in my own house.

Bless you if you are still reading this. It feels good to be able to get this out as I have been holding onto this for months/years.
Sorry to hear that you've been through so much abuse.

You might want to try visiting www.hotpeachpages.net. They have a world-wide directory of domestic violence and abuse resources.

While your husband doesn't sound as bad as your abusive boyfriend, what he's doing is still abuse. Especially if he has the expectation that he doesn't have responsibility to control his anger, but you have a responsibility to put up with it.

Maybe if your husband was willing and able to change, it would be worth trying to fix things, but it may not be the case. Would you be able to leave your husband if he can't change?
I want to believe that he will be willing to take steps toward mending and strengthening our relationship. He has had his own history of hardships and I think that he must be experiencing some sort of internal struggle. He doesn't like to be open and vulnerable about his own insecurities (and I can completely understand this because it took me quite a while to be able to speak about what happened to me) so we'll have to break down some of those walls. However, if things don't change, I will have to leave. I do have someone that I can stay with if need be.
So sorry you are having to go through this. I have read several articles recently on fractured marriages. If you check out "troubled with" and put in fractured marriages, you will find a lot of them. It sounds like you have had some conversations with him, but I would not give up trying to get him to counseling. If you both love each other it is worth fighting for to try to figure things out. Hoping you can find someone who can help both of you in mending this relationship.


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I want to believe that he will be willing to take steps toward mending and strengthening our relationship.
If he's willing to work on this then have him get on it asap. Right now. Yesterday. If he's not willing to work on things right now then you need to start forming an exit plan. You don't have to put up with that kind of crap from people. There are great guys out there that will treat you right. These two experiences aren't all the world has to offer. I wish you the best of luck.
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