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past and present

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Jackson, Apr 27, 2007.

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  1. Jackson

    Jackson Guest

    so back in 2004 i drank some vodka and some beer and took dozens of <mod edit>, my ex(brrrr....)called the thought police and told them i'd committed a thought crime by wanting to die, and on top of that a real crime by attempting suicide! so i ran away before they got there and hid in the overgrown brush around a creekbed for several hours until the search got called off, then i went back to the house, snuck in, passed out on the couch, and my ex(brrrr....)found me after a few more hours, anyway she convinced me to go to the hospital and they gave me some amber stuff to drink and wouldn't let me eat for a few days and told me they didn't know if i'd die, apparently i was right in the time window where the toxic amount i took became irreversible and sent me into liver failure and eventually coma and eventually death, obviously i survived, but i realize how close i was and cannot reconcile my feelings about the result, life has been the same ever since and i know i'm building up to another confrontation with my mortality, i just wish the idea of suicide could be constantly positive or negative, i'm so tired of being torn, but i'm thinking about buying a bus ticket up to the rapturous black canyon, drinking too much, and getting swallowed whole, this overdose thing is way too melodramatic and doubtful
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2007
  2. Lady E

    Lady E Well-Known Member

    What particular things make you want to confront your mortality?
    It is hard because our minds change and our minds aren't always sure of whether thoughts of suicide are "good" or "bad" and they are never constantly that way.
  3. Jackson

    Jackson Guest

    the isolation is extremely difficult to bear, i feel a million miles away, watching myself go through the motions, and watching other people and not really wanting to take part in what my mind tells me is unattainable self-deception...plus i feel constant depression, anxiety, etc.
    i wish for a different world in general
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2007
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