Past For Those Would you be afraid of what I had to say about my past? Would you want to hear it? Or would you turn away? I want to be open and honest with you But the task seems to be harder than I thought But who knows what will happen. For me this is a big step all together I do like you but I just so unsure of it I guess I will never know what happens. At one point of my life Depression took it over And nothing seemed to work for me. I once had the courage to take The first cut into my flesh And feel the release of pain and anger. I hated myself for everything bad In my life nothing left for me That was what I thought. No one knew my little secret No one at all knew what I had to hide From the world that never knew. I once hid from what others said Behind a uniform that meant More than just what I wanted. I hid from the world like most people did Felt as if I sold myself to the devil For nothing in return but for the pain to end. He did nothing to help I tried to find out what it meant to be normal But everything I tried never worked. It got to a point in my life where The cuts on my arm were my life And no one understood what the need was. You may not know what its like But I sure do And hope to God that it never happens to you. I have tried to be more then you see But its hard when I cant form what I cant see. Writing this is like a hidden secret That you will see And not anyone else. I am so scared because the story doesn’t end there It hasn’t ended for as long as I can remember It just haunts me and taunts me. Cutting didn’t stop me there I once tried to end it all When I was alone in the dark. But attempt failed I just ended that all at once It didn’t seem worth it because people cared for me. The cutting got worse as time went on My dad found out And I was sent to see someone about it. I was dealing with depression at that time I still am And still wondering how to deal with it at times. I just don’t know where to go from here It not what I should have been feeling Even at a young age with a life to live. Not too many people knew about this Friends would ask what is wrong I would fake a smile for their sake. I guess with time it got harder to get over People slowly started finding out And it became harder to let others know about the shit. I have done some weird things And they never fail to come back To haunt me. I just wish there was an easier way for this I never wanted what had happened I wanted to be normal not like this. I stopped for awhile But in the long run I felt as if my life was falling apart at the seems. It fell apart the day he came along I guess you can say that I was still a child Forced into a position that wasn’t welcome. He messed me up Things got worse This happened before I learned about my depression. It wasn’t something anyone should go through But I did experience it And found it harder to trust people with my life. I thought the end of the world was near And death had my name And was calling me and looking for me. I wish it had taken me that day at times Wishing I wasn’t here to be in the presence of what They all wanted me to be. I got in deeper with more than just Depression Cutting and my depression took over my life. Not something that people like to hear But it was so true I lost all track of time. But on the smile people Wanted to see And then went about my business. I got in with the right crowd But trying to be happy was a tough one I couldn’t make anything of it. But than again I started living by the saying Shit happens right? It was long until I got help But it only lasted Bouncing from person to person. Until one day I found someone Who knew what it was like And shared their story. My problems slowly became nothing But I still was cutting And nothing helped me much. I got to the point where I was so unsure And went too deep one time And that was a few years ago. I didn’t know what I was doing to myself Until I seen the scar and how much I was bleeding I would often be alone when this happened. But I would cry for something to save me From this path that would Lead me to my death. The habit of death And it seemed to like me A little too much. I finally ended the cutting And it took a lot of trying I got it right one day. I have been clean from this But it seemed as if the story should end here But it hasn’t. I once met a boy He was sweet Promised the world to me. But left me only because I didn’t Hold up the unwritten agreement But I lost the chance I had. I lost a precious life And still wonder what it was I did So wrong. But I know that it wasn’t my fault That was what I told myself And thought we could work it out. I wanted to try and give him the world I wanted to give him the child he wanted And desired so much. I wish that night never would Have happened He wanted it so much. I guess you can say a lot more Time was needed to heal And then the next one came along. Promises of love and a future But blinded by the back side And the crossed fingers of others. I know they wanted nothing more than to destroy Me and let me know I was worthless So in the end, I was used and abused. I can never understand why But it seems as if I did nothing right. But today I sit here writing this to you Hoping to bring ease to my tortured soul And find peace within. I just pray you don’t judge me You don’t see me as nothing But see me as someone who had it rough. I can never understand why This all happened And I take nothing for granted now. I know that somehow You might judge me For what I use to be. I am expecting the worse from everyone It never ends The cycle to end this all. But I just look at it one way You may look at it another way I never know what it means anymore. I just hope you don’t judge And know that its not the outside or actions That count, but who I am now.