Past For Those

Discussion in 'Poet's Corner' started by BrokenPieces, Mar 3, 2006.

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  1. BrokenPieces

    BrokenPieces Well-Known Member

    Past For Those

    Would you be afraid of what I had to say about my past?
    Would you want to hear it?
    Or would you turn away?

    I want to be open and honest with you
    But the task seems to be harder than I thought
    But who knows what will happen.

    For me this is a big step all together
    I do like you but I just so unsure of it
    I guess I will never know what happens.

    At one point of my life
    Depression took it over
    And nothing seemed to work for me.

    I once had the courage to take
    The first cut into my flesh
    And feel the release of pain and anger.

    I hated myself for everything bad
    In my life nothing left for me
    That was what I thought.

    No one knew my little secret
    No one at all knew what I had to hide
    From the world that never knew.

    I once hid from what others said
    Behind a uniform that meant
    More than just what I wanted.

    I hid from the world like most people did
    Felt as if I sold myself to the devil
    For nothing in return but for the pain to end.

    He did nothing to help
    I tried to find out what it meant to be normal
    But everything I tried never worked.

    It got to a point in my life where
    The cuts on my arm were my life
    And no one understood what the need was.

    You may not know what its like
    But I sure do
    And hope to God that it never happens to you.

    I have tried to be more then you see
    But its hard when I cant form what
    I cant see.

    Writing this is like a hidden secret
    That you will see
    And not anyone else.

    I am so scared because the story doesn’t end there
    It hasn’t ended for as long as I can remember
    It just haunts me and taunts me.

    Cutting didn’t stop me there
    I once tried to end it all
    When I was alone in the dark.

    But attempt failed
    I just ended that all at once
    It didn’t seem worth it because people cared for me.

    The cutting got worse as time went on
    My dad found out
    And I was sent to see someone about it.

    I was dealing with depression at that time
    I still am
    And still wondering how to deal with it at times.

    I just don’t know where to go from here
    It not what I should have been feeling
    Even at a young age with a life to live.

    Not too many people knew about this
    Friends would ask what is wrong
    I would fake a smile for their sake.

    I guess with time it got harder to get over
    People slowly started finding out
    And it became harder to let others know about the shit.

    I have done some weird things
    And they never fail to come back
    To haunt me.

    I just wish there was an easier way for this
    I never wanted what had happened
    I wanted to be normal not like this.

    I stopped for awhile
    But in the long run
    I felt as if my life was falling apart at the seems.

    It fell apart the day he came along
    I guess you can say that I was still a child
    Forced into a position that wasn’t welcome.

    He messed me up
    Things got worse
    This happened before I learned about my depression.

    It wasn’t something anyone should go through
    But I did experience it
    And found it harder to trust people with my life.

    I thought the end of the world was near
    And death had my name
    And was calling me and looking for me.

    I wish it had taken me that day at times
    Wishing I wasn’t here to be in the presence of what
    They all wanted me to be.

    I got in deeper with more than just
    Depression
    Cutting and my depression took over my life.

    Not something that people like to hear
    But it was so true
    I lost all track of time.

    But on the smile people
    Wanted to see
    And then went about my business.

    I got in with the right crowd
    But trying to be happy was a tough one
    I couldn’t make anything of it.

    But than again
    I started living by the saying
    Shit happens right?

    It was long until I got help
    But it only lasted
    Bouncing from person to person.

    Until one day I found someone
    Who knew what it was like
    And shared their story.

    My problems slowly became nothing
    But I still was cutting
    And nothing helped me much.

    I got to the point where I was so unsure
    And went too deep one time
    And that was a few years ago.

    I didn’t know what I was doing to myself
    Until I seen the scar and how much I was bleeding
    I would often be alone when this happened.

    But I would cry for something to save me
    From this path that would
    Lead me to my death.

    The habit of death
    And it seemed to like me
    A little too much.

    I finally ended the cutting
    And it took a lot of trying
    I got it right one day.

    I have been clean from this
    But it seemed as if the story should end here
    But it hasn’t.

    I once met a boy
    He was sweet
    Promised the world to me.

    But left me only because I didn’t
    Hold up the unwritten agreement
    But I lost the chance I had.

    I lost a precious life
    And still wonder what it was I did
    So wrong.

    But I know that it wasn’t my fault
    That was what I told myself
    And thought we could work it out.

    I wanted to try and give him the world
    I wanted to give him the child he wanted
    And desired so much.

    I wish that night never would
    Have happened
    He wanted it so much.

    I guess you can say a lot more
    Time was needed to heal
    And then the next one came along.

    Promises of love and a future
    But blinded by the back side
    And the crossed fingers of others.

    I know they wanted nothing more than to destroy
    Me and let me know I was worthless
    So in the end, I was used and abused.

    I can never understand why
    But it seems as if
    I did nothing right.

    But today I sit here writing this to you
    Hoping to bring ease to my tortured soul
    And find peace within.

    I just pray you don’t judge me
    You don’t see me as nothing
    But see me as someone who had it rough.

    I can never understand why
    This all happened
    And I take nothing for granted now.

    I know that somehow
    You might judge me
    For what I use to be.

    I am expecting the worse from everyone
    It never ends
    The cycle to end this all.

    But I just look at it one way
    You may look at it another way
    I never know what it means anymore.

    I just hope you don’t judge
    And know that its not the outside or actions
    That count, but who I am now.
     
  2. Dead_Alive

    Dead_Alive Guest

    awwwweeeeehhhhhhh


    I am soooo sorry... you gave everything to someone who abandoned you. I can feel your pain... your not worthless... he is.

    You need someone who is really going to love you.... deep down... for who you really are...

    I have no answers for that... but only what I have learned through counseling... that victims tend to seek out abusers. That we need to change our thinking from a victim to that of a survivor. For a survivor is in recovery and to be in recovery means to create safe barriers in your life so no one preys on you again. Read "Boundaries" by Peter Townsend.

    You got to learn to recognize who the ones that really love you are from the predators out there. You might have loved him... but if he loved you... he would have proved it by deed and not by lip service. Read "Love is a Choice" by Steven Arterburn You will learn a lot from that book... at least I did.

    We have talked some havent we? Yet I never knew this about you.

    Thanks for sharing this with me... that really took a lot of desperate courage to do this. I wish I could give you a great big hug... cause that is what you need right now... for someone to hug you till the tears dry.

    For me... I have no one that really fits that catagory... so as I stated earlier today in another article... I focus my mind on a higher power... on God as my father... holding me till I feel safe and valued. Never did that before till last night. Maybe you could try it... try it before you go to sleep... try to focus and maybe maybe you will realize that you are not a mistake... and that you are here for a reason... cause one day... one day you will heal... and your life is going to shine and shine.. and there will be others that will find hope through what happened to you.

    That is my wish for you... I care... deaddy.
     
  3. BrokenPieces

    BrokenPieces Well-Known Member

    I know hun!

    And you reply means a lot to me, we have been talking and I know what you said there was what i have been telling you all along. But i know that my experiences have been affecting me, but they havent been getting the best of me. I try my best to learn from them, and with all those book titles, i am gonna read them...

    I hope that others have read and liked what they read...i know its long, but its what has bee bottled up inside of me...

    but anyways, will write more in a bit...

    BP
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Amazing :heart:
     
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