Past overdose

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Ruby, Apr 6, 2007.

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  1. Ruby

    Ruby Well-Known Member

    The most serious overdose I've ever taken was in April 2005. I almost died and was in a medical ward for a week. I remember being hooked up to a heart monitor and on an IV. I had charcoal when I arrived at the hospital, chest X rays to check for an enlarged heart and my Mum, grandma were with me. I was heavily sedated and slurring my words. I think about it a lot, how if I would have taken a few extra tablets I would have died. I almost died and yet I'm still here to tell the tale. It makes me feel bad knowing that I survived. I feel ill knowing that I'll probably never have the chance to do it again. It was my dogs epilepsy medication for fuck sake.

    I tried to overdose again over a month ago. I have it all planned, I researched it and was going to take a huge amount, 10x the highest daily dose. I TRIED and because the pills were big I only managed to take 30 or something like that before I started feeling like I was going to vomit. I thought I was going to die, I was prepared for it and everything. I'd even wrote a fucking note. So yet again I'm still here. I cant even kill myself and Im still here after copious amounts of attempts. One I even walked out the house in my pyjamas and headed toward a bridge. I was hearing voices at the time encouraging me to jump off. As I got nearer I remember praying that someone would come and stop me cos I knew that once I reached the bridge Id probably throw myself off it. Thankfully my Mother arrived with the doctor and nurse from CAMHS. I'm 19 and I cant cope with these memories. I got really distressed last night because I wanted to die so much and it bothers me that people are forcing me to stay alive. Its so difficult and painful.

    I'd hate more than anything to be back in hospital. I spent 9 months straight in one for mental problems and various other short admissions. I hate having nurses telling me what i Can or cant do. Watching my every move. They wouldnt even let me drink from a can, have deodrant and had a board up telling staff not to leave me alone with sharp objects. Being sectioned again would be ther worst possible thing. Having forms signed by the consultant just to be able to leave the hospital, having to be back at a certain time or they'd call the police. One time a policewoman turned nasty on me when she found out I was on a section 3, she arrested me

    I just needed to let this all out. Sorry

    Now I know when I like to cut myself. A blade understands me more than anyone or anything. Worthless isnt the word. Im not worthy of anything. Im a piece of shit. Suicide is justified for a stupid bitch like me. I wwwant to fucking die. I hope this is a dream. Im crazy, a lunatic, insane, psychotic whatever

    SCHIZO, MENTALIST, LUNATIC, PSYCHO, SICK IN THE HEAD, WEIRD, A FREAK, CRAZY
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 6, 2007
  2. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    No i could relate to you a lot in many parts of what you say.If you ever need someone to talk to i will always be here to listen wither on the board or via PM or whatever.Think your so brave and express yourself so well.im sorry but im glad you didnt succeed in any of your attempts.i want you to get through this hun.Look at how far youve come.im sorry your in such pain.i truly hope writing that out has helped somewhat even if only a little.Well done for writing and please kknow i read.
     
  3. hun you've been through alot. and one day i really really hope you'll feel atleast okay with being alive. to get through all that, someone out there must feel you need to be in this world. stay strong, and if you cant do that yourself, talk to people. maybe just on here people can help to hold the pieces together for you. stay safe hun xx
     
  4. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    I need to get my story out too. Thank you for the motivation. I am sorry you feel so bad. Words can't heal wounds, yet understanding and compassion goes a long ways. I doubt you really are crazy psycho and all that, when in this state I do feel hoplessly alone and stupid. I hope it will lessen soon. Are you doing anything like therapy or meds?

    Stay safe!!
     
  5. Robin

    Robin Guest

    Hey Ruby, am glad you are still here to tell us of your story, am just so sorry you feel like you deserve to suffer, noone, not even our worst enemies, should be made to feel the way you do at any point in their lives :hug:
     
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