Past the point of no return

[thinker]

I just felt like writing this out, but don't read unless nothing can make you feel worse.



My thoughts race. They go and go. And go. And go. It won't stop, it never stops. We just keep going. I will turn it off, I will rest. I know that when the time comes, I can do it, I am strong enough now, I know enough, I know too much. The worst is now, until then, to keep it together until then, to make things happen. It's past my time, I've extended my stay. I'm not here anymore, unravelled into nothing, into many. I was once a person, a real person, this is the ghost of me, if there were such a thing. There are many of me now. We're all just so tired of fighting. So tired. Finally we can agree on something. The hell will end. Peace...release...RELEASE ME! The only dream I believe in is that day. I'll be released into the void.

 

[thinker]

Today I worked out the details and costs of the funeral arrangements. Never thought I'd be doing that for myself. Staying alive long enough so that I can pay for the costs of my death to my family is the only thing I can do for them. I hope they'll be able to appreciate how hard it was for me to live that long and earn an income under the circumstances, this will be the most difficult thing I've ever done. It's a good thing I don't have any dependents.

I felt a temporary sense of great calm as I began to work out those details, even though it's still months away. The reality of how painful my daily life is compared to the vast majority of people has finally hit me...they are literally living in an entirely differently reality just as I was before. The pain they experience comes and goes, but mine never leaves and I understand why. I'm fortunate that I have enough ability (I hope) still left in me to take control of things for myself, rather than hand over control of my life to someone else. That would be worse for all involved. I want some dignity in my final days. I will muster the will so that at the last hour I can still sense some part of me that I used to call "me". Not that it matters, it's just a feeling like everything else.

Though one part of me still fights with the indoctrinated guilt of suicide, today I felt thankful to a girl I once knew who introduced me to the idea of having compassion for myself...an idea that was very foreign to me. I had always believed that I had to exist for someone else. A person who is already in hell doesn't need to be poked with a burning stick. I know that anyone who actually cared for me and could understand themselves and my situation would allow me to die in peace. Those that do care don't understand, and I don't expect them to. And so I will remain alone until the day of my release. There's no one to pray to, no one to turn to that accepts my decision, no one to trust- it's all on me.

I think this is what strength is. When the life has been drained from you, when your power is gone, when you're facing insanity every day, when there's no point in anything, and yet from somewhere inside you bring up a courage to do something. I remember Red in the film The Shawshank Redemption- either get busy living, or get busy dying. Sometimes it takes courage to live, but it also takes courage to face one's own death in a certain way. I would raise a glass to everyone that found the resolve to end their misery as well as to everyone who found a way to keep living through it. Both can be just as difficult.

 

[Terry]

May I just ask what has brought you to this point?

 

[thinker]

Feelings, Devastated. And thoughts, which are closely linked to feelings.

You like everyone else are a very complex being, but everything you are doing is because of how you feel. You also have a mental system which allows you to focus on a certain perspective of things, and eliminate the doubt which could cause your unique mental structure to break or collapse, allowing in the massive flood of your subconscious mind which is capable of infinite perspectives and hides from you many painful things. It is much like a program, except there are feeling swtiches assigned to different things for different people (it varies greatly and different people adapt differently!). If you did "break" so to speak, then we could say that you went "out of your mind" because you abruptly formed a consciousness that is inconsistent with the relatively stable pattern of thought and behavior that makes you "you". Certain kinds of trauma can lead to this, which is what happened with me. The mind is a delicate thing.

Interestingly, if I try to follow my natural drive to live and be happy, it only further destablizes me to the point where my life will be fully under the control of others and that is not a viable option to me. My cognitive abilties are still working well enough for me to know that is what will happen. So I'm trapped in a nightmare where the best solution is death because I do feel there are things worse than being dead.

What I experience seems to me even more true than any other truth, but to "understand" it as I do, you would have to go outside the boundaries that keep you internally safe and simplified. This would lead you into a world of great terror that people have traditionally called madness where the structured self collapses, where you are outside of what was you, and yet you may be able to still see you from an outside perspective or switch back and forth.

 

[Terry]

May i suggest psychoanalysis.

 

[thinker]

Of course you would suggest that. For me it just ends up becoming a tiring game, where I cannot really even talk about my feelings or plans anyway without being imprisoned against my will. No thank you.

 

[thinker]

Well I guess I'm ready to leave these forums now. Robin and bunny, I'm just tired of your extreme measures to censor my comments, delete my av, place me under moderation, then take me off of it, then do it again. You're making me out to be some great threat that I'm not because I think you are just afraid. I always told people they had the right to decide what to do with their own lives, and I gave some basic financial advice that any competent accountant would give them. I encouraged numerous people to try to find a better solution than dying first. You twist what I say to make it seem like I was trying to get people to kill themselves, and for that I do not forgive you.

I would like the others to know why I left prematurely, but most likely you'll just delete this too with a mod comment falsely implying I was trying to get people to kill themselves. You say you're doing it for the safety of others but really I think it's just for you, so you can feel in control. You make the rest of us who are reasonable feel like we are garbage to you. Thanks a lot. Maybe someday if you're in my shoes you'll understand.

Goodbye.

 

[honkforlove]

Hey. I understand where you're coming from, I'm in the same place. If you're still here, reply please.

 

[TLA]

I would like to know why you want to end it all?? Seems you let things get to you and under your skin....I am not sure. Maybe we are just the type of people that speak without thinking. Hope you don't leave now.

 

[thinker]

Can't PM anymore so if anyone has anything else to say to me they can email me at atutormaster@excite.com (if they don't delete this too). I won't be posting or reading here anymore.

 

[~CazzaAngel~]

I don't know all of what's going on. But if you feel you need to leave I can't stop you, just try and take care of yourself hun. I'm here if you need me.






take care :hug: