Pat for pathetic

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pat, Apr 20, 2009.

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  1. pat

    pat New Member


    I'm a 32-year-old male. Although I have never suffered real problems, I have almost always been unhappy. In principle I should have everything in life; in practice, I'm miserable most of the time. Why? Because of my personality. Despite a few virtues, I have a strong tendency to sadness, shyness, loneliness, pessimism, anxiety, insecurity, guilt, etc.

    Sometimes I like to think that I can change, that I can accomplish my aims. Very recently I thought that things could go well for me. I fancied a woman I used to see everyday and I found the courage to tell her about my feelings and give her my phone number. Much to my surprise, she did call me. We went out four times together, I was utterly in love with her and everything was going fine. But one thing: sex. She turned me on in the street, in the clubs, when I saw her, when we kissed. But when we got to bed, I got stuck. I was so nervous that I couldn't even sleep. On the first night, I think we would have done it if I'd had condoms at home, but as I'm a pathetic loser we had to go for a long walk in the morning to find an open chemist's before going to my place. I did react in the morning, but she couldn't be bothered. Two nights later, she wanted to stay in my place again. As the crucial test I knew it was, I failed again. The following week, she dumped me, leaving me heartbroken.

    So I had found her this time, I was in love with her and I did all I could to please her. But I just couldn't make love to her and she wasn't so patient. Now the only reason why I don't kill myself is my family, and especially my mother -there's no way I can do that to her, it would be a most atrocious crime. Yet I'm so fed up with failure that I honestly believe that in the future I'll do it. It won't be tomorrow or the next year, but it must be my destiny.

  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I had a relationship like that..I loved to cuddle, fondle, kiss, etc etc etc..But just wasn't sexually attracted to her.. So to keep her happy I resorted to other means to keep her sexual desire taken care of.. We lasted six years like that.. We finally decided to go our seperate ways.. It has nothing to do with how much you love her.. It's proven that both males and females put off chemicals that cause the excitement..You just weren't drawn to her in that way..
  3. pat

    pat New Member

    Thanks for your reply.

    I don't think it's what you say. I couldn't cope with the anxiety to do it well, but I was attracted to her. Otherwise I wouldn't have got hard ons being with her. Just before going to my place (but then we had to find where to buy condoms), on the first night we spent together, we kissed in a club for a while, and there was so much passion that it was hard to stop it.
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm sorry she wasn't willing to be patient and try to help you through your anxiety!

    Have you ever talked to a doctor or therapist about what you're going through? They might be able to help you deal with the anxiety, and in turn, dealing with the anxiety could help you to feel better about yourself and overcome some of the other problems you're having.
  5. pat

    pat New Member

    Thanks, WildCherry.

    The thing is that I'm not actually a sick person. I'm just inadequate. I believe it is due to the state of mind my mother was in when pregnant with me --she was insecure, stressed, fearful, sad... basically unhappy. So it's my destiny. I try to do things right, but it's like a powerful force that pushes me down and makes a disaster out of me.
  6. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    Well, you'll have more oppurtunities in the future. From this point it sounds like she could still like you, maybe she's just upset that you couldn't get far with her. Show her you can change when you're ready, I'm sure you're a good guy.
  7. pat

    pat New Member

    Thanks, Rosenrot. I think I may have found a meaning in this episode of my life: it happened because it had to, and it should be a turning point from which I'll try to start living with a more confident, relaxed and positive attitude. At least I'll try to try...

    By the way, I'm sorry for posting my first message in this particular forum. It should have been in the crisis forum, as that's what my point was about. This might hopefully apply to somebody else: at one point you may feel that you want to kill yourself, but it doesn't mean that you really want to do it.
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