Pathetic creature (might be triggering)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Hangman, Jul 6, 2010.

  1. Hangman

    Hangman Well-Known Member

    I feel like a pathetic little creature trying to coexist with the devine, the cleaver, the beautiful, and the pure. I feel like the whole world is looking down at me, looking at me with disgust in their eyes. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m weak and stupid; I can’t shake the feeling that this world will kill me. But the truth is, I want to kill me; I know that’s how it will be in the end, but I don’t know when that will be, when I’ll have the strength and courage to end my pathetic existence.

    Tonight, I feel like going back to the old days, referring to the time before the meds. At least I wasn’t disgusted with my appearance. My self-esteem wasn’t very good then, and I harmed myself almost daily. I miss those times because I knew that there was no hope for me, I knew that nothing could make me better. I miss the river of red, the angry outbursts of frustration and fury.

    I no longer know how to express myself in any way to anyone in my surrounding; all I know is to eat until I almost burst, to fill the emptiness inside me. Along with the medication, anti-depressant, and the junk I shove in my big mouth, the result has been more than five kilograms of extra weight added to my already heavy body. There is nothing more humiliating, frustrating and depressing for me and to find out that almost all my pants are useless at the moment; that only my biggest t-shirts and pants fit me, that I have to abandon my pants and shirts of confidence. Before, I could at least look myself in the mirror, and from time to time think that I’d have a shot at a girl, that at least someone would check me out as I walk down the street.
    I know that I’m overreacting a lot right now, but when people look at me on the street, I see only judgment and disgust in their faces; it’s probably not there, but the way I feel about myself gets reflected in other people.

    Today I took my last pill, so I went to get more at the pharmacy. At my last session with my shrink, he assured me that there would be a prescription waiting for me; there was none. I really want to quit taking those meds, but still I was gripped with panic and fear. The shit that had given me hope, that had snapped me out of self harm and lying in bed for days, was suddenly gone. I know that this is also over reacting, cause I’ll just go to the psychiatric office tomorrow and get a new prescription.

    But tonight I feel like crap, I feel like harming myself, I feel like ending my life, I feel like dying would be the easiest way to get rid of this hopeless feeling, the same old feeling. I know myself pretty well, and I know that I would not attempt anything; I just fear that the urges will get stronger, and I’ll slip into SH again. Just five more days, and I get to see my shrink again: this month has been too fucking long, makes me kind of hope his vacation was a bitch (not very proud of that statement).

    I’m going to stop whining now, and try to sleep. I just hate this fucking heat, makes me all crazy.