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pathetic, horrible person rants (hold the front page)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by aki, Apr 24, 2008.

  1. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    So I can never tell anyone about this. I can joke around with my sister and talk with my mum, but I'll never be able to tell them how I feel. I am only able to say how I feel on this forum, anonomously. I'm so horrible, I shout and belittle people to express my feelings inside. But I can't tell anyone. Ill never be able to. I can't concentrate on anything anymore. And I'm so secretive and multi faceted. I have about a million personalities. I have my fun and confident personality around my family. I have my moody and aggresive personality also only around my family. I have my shy and hardly able to speak personality around friends and strangers. I have the person in my head, the person that I really want to be, the person who I dreamt I would grow up to be, but never did. And the personality I'm showing now, the one that only comes out when I sit in my bedroom or walk around by myself. I can never show this side to anyone else. It makes me sick. I hate myself so much. But I also have an incredible arrogance, one that isn't deserved.
    Most people in the world seem to dislike me, I don't know why, I'm sick of being nice and only getting ignored or sneered at or made fun of. I really want to escape but I know I'll never be able to escape from myself. I know I'll never be able to heal my issues, on account of being unable to talk about how I'm feeling, even when I saw a therapist who I really liked and treated me with kindness and respect. But I kept back so much from her, so much that I need to tell someone, but is uncomfortable to talk about. And then I just stopped going, I didn't even tell her, I just didn't turn up. I have to isolate myself. I don't think there's one person in the whole world who'll be able to relate to my feelings right now. I'm so lucky, my life is so blessed compared to some people, especially on this site. Everything that's wong with my life I've brought on myself. So I feel very low cause I such a pathetic, disgusting person. I don't really know why....I do anything. But I probably wont kill myself, I'm too weak and uncourageous for that. Yeh, so don't bother replying, I know you haven't even all of this anyway, it's just another cry for attention from the biggest stain/leech whatever on this site. Just fuck off already why don't you.
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Don't fuck off. This does not seem like a cry for attention at all, to me. So I'm just going to reply.

    Not killing yourself doesn't make you weak and uncourageous, ripper, quite the opposite, really. Killing yourself would be 'the easy way out'. Nothing coourageous or strong about that, in my opinion. Sticking your life out, trying to make things better, trying to crawl back up and see the sun again. THAT is courageous and strong!

    You say you don't think there's anyone who will be able to relate to you feelings, but reading that post.. I can relate to part of it, at least it reminds me of myself up until half a year ago. I had different 'sides' for different occasions as well. Around my friends at secondary school I'd be a spaz, a clown and oh so funny. At home I used to be the same, but then changed to being the quiet one, always sitting in her room. After secondary school, when I moved into a student home away from my parents, I'd be a spaz all the time, and only really talk on here. Up to the point where one of my mates would come on here to find out how I was really doing. (of course she didn't tell me that until after I wasn't able to come on here anymore :dry: )
    So yeah, I can definitely relate to that.
    What helped me is therapy. And not a meeting every now and then with a therapist to talk, cuz I still wouldn't talk then, at first. No, for me, creative therapy, drama therapy and psychomotor therapy really helped. The kind of therapies where you don't have to talk, but have to do something. Therapists can 'read' a lot from the way you do things and stuff. I also had group-sessions to talk, but it took me about half a year to actually start talking there.
    Maybe you could try looking into something like creative therapy, drama therapy, psychomotor therapy, music therapy, or anything like that. I'm sure there's more. It can be really helpful, especially for those who have a hard time talking, and who have 'masks' on most of the time.
  3. ggg456

    ggg456 Guest

    I do agree with Ishy about the creative therapy part if you find talking is difficult but I do appreciate it's really difficult to find a good therapist out there.

    Reading your posts though, there seems to be some safety in isolating yourself. Maybe there's a part of you that feels safer that way? You say you stopped going to a therapist that you found helpful- perhaps there's a part of you that just isn't ready? Try and not beat yourself up about it :hug: in time I think you might get to the point to reach out to that kind therapist again and perhaps reveal the part that you do on this forum because that part is important- and I'm so glad you're doing that here ripper :hug: (I know your name change!:tongue:)

    I know what you mean about being nice and getting sneered at or walked over....but that doesn't mean it's got anything to do with you.

    Or maybe there are reasons you did things that you could think about or look into? Sometimes internalising everything just makes you feel like a hopeless, disgusting person. Maybe there are reasons why a) you think that you've bought it on yourself or sabotaged yourself b) the things you did -there were reasons that stem from something you're not aware of at this moment but could explore with that kind therapist that you got in touch with..

    With therapy/counselling, you don't have to let it all out all in a few sessions- it does take a while to establish a relationship and see how it goes.

    Do you think there's a possibility to get in contact with that therapist again?

    Your problems are worth a lot. You're hurting and suffering and people's "problems" aren't a competition on this forum. I just get the feeling you're in a very self destructive cycle that I've been in in the past but that's just how I feel about it........

    Talking here is a huge step.

    What do you think would happen if you did let someone in, if you did take a risk and opened up to someone- lets say your therapist? Opening up here is a huge step though too. But you're not going to get everything you need from here.

    I was also wondering what kind of person you wanted to be, as you grew up? I bet she's just inside waiting to grow or waiting for someone to talk to her and communicate with her.

    PM me if you want to talk. I'd be glad to listen to you always.


    (p.s that white hut in the park is still there)