Pathetic rant ughh

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by elvinchild, Aug 29, 2009.

  1. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    This post is probably pointless. But I have nobody to talk to. It seems like I'm losing all my friends. I think my better friends are tired of being there for me when I'm down so much, and my acquaintances are tired of being canceled on because I'm too anxious. I feel like I just lost one of my longest friendships though. I'm devastated. I feel truly alone now. Most friends, I only see them every couple months. I saw her every week. Now I fear she's gone.

    I look back on my life, and everything constant that I had.. its gone. I long for consistency, one person who I can always count on, one home I can stick with, one job... but instead I find myself moving every few months, I find all of my longtime friends have moved on, and I'm having trouble holding down a job yet again... Everything is changed. Everything is new. There is no constant. I feel alone, these friends I lost I called my "family" because I was never close to my own, and I thought I would have them forever.. they are leaving now. I feel lost and alone.

    This week has been rough, I needed someone to talk to, and there was no one there. I had to move to my new home pretty much all by myself, no one wanted to help. The only reason my boyfriend came to carry the furniture was because I tried but I couldn't pick it up myself. Now maybe its pathetic to get all worked up about something like that, but I just felt like nobody cared. That and moving was so daunting a task, and frustratingly overwhelming... This is a girl who is so depressed and overwhelmed by life that even washing the dishes seems difficult.

    I suffer from chronic pain, and because of the move, in addition to a sudden onset of cold, damp weather and also my severe lack of sleep the past week, my pain has skyrocketed. There is no escape from it despite how hard I try. Hot shower, yoga, pain relieving ointment, ice, heat pad - you name it - it just doesn't help more than momentarily and I'm really losing it. Its impossible to sleep never mind put on a happy face for the public.

    I will be returning to work next week. Its pathetic but I'm terrified. My social anxiety interferes and by the end of the day I am usually in tears and completely drained so that I can't do anything functional for the rest of the day. Its hard to work with my boyfriend and I'm afraid of the problems it will cause. But I like the job, and I don't want another. I tried to get my boss to give me a specific schedule of only 20 hours a week and a specific time, but they're not really willing to compromise. So it looks like I will just be going back full time and I am afraid I cannot handle it. I stopped work because the self-destructive behaviors were becoming too much. Now I am afraid they will just continue.

    I'm sorry for the rant, I just have nobody to talk to. I feel ashamed and guilty for my friendships that are ending. I feel sad and angry that its so hard for me to function. I am afraid for what is going to happen in the next few weeks. Above all I just feel alone and uncared for. But I think maybe I deserve it.
     
  2. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    You can always PM me if you need to talk. And this post was not pointless! It's good to get it out. Good luck at work.
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No you are not loosing all your friends you have us here I am glad you can get all that off your chest and mind. Take care