This post is probably pointless. But I have nobody to talk to. It seems like I'm losing all my friends. I think my better friends are tired of being there for me when I'm down so much, and my acquaintances are tired of being canceled on because I'm too anxious. I feel like I just lost one of my longest friendships though. I'm devastated. I feel truly alone now. Most friends, I only see them every couple months. I saw her every week. Now I fear she's gone. I look back on my life, and everything constant that I had.. its gone. I long for consistency, one person who I can always count on, one home I can stick with, one job... but instead I find myself moving every few months, I find all of my longtime friends have moved on, and I'm having trouble holding down a job yet again... Everything is changed. Everything is new. There is no constant. I feel alone, these friends I lost I called my "family" because I was never close to my own, and I thought I would have them forever.. they are leaving now. I feel lost and alone. This week has been rough, I needed someone to talk to, and there was no one there. I had to move to my new home pretty much all by myself, no one wanted to help. The only reason my boyfriend came to carry the furniture was because I tried but I couldn't pick it up myself. Now maybe its pathetic to get all worked up about something like that, but I just felt like nobody cared. That and moving was so daunting a task, and frustratingly overwhelming... This is a girl who is so depressed and overwhelmed by life that even washing the dishes seems difficult. I suffer from chronic pain, and because of the move, in addition to a sudden onset of cold, damp weather and also my severe lack of sleep the past week, my pain has skyrocketed. There is no escape from it despite how hard I try. Hot shower, yoga, pain relieving ointment, ice, heat pad - you name it - it just doesn't help more than momentarily and I'm really losing it. Its impossible to sleep never mind put on a happy face for the public. I will be returning to work next week. Its pathetic but I'm terrified. My social anxiety interferes and by the end of the day I am usually in tears and completely drained so that I can't do anything functional for the rest of the day. Its hard to work with my boyfriend and I'm afraid of the problems it will cause. But I like the job, and I don't want another. I tried to get my boss to give me a specific schedule of only 20 hours a week and a specific time, but they're not really willing to compromise. So it looks like I will just be going back full time and I am afraid I cannot handle it. I stopped work because the self-destructive behaviors were becoming too much. Now I am afraid they will just continue. I'm sorry for the rant, I just have nobody to talk to. I feel ashamed and guilty for my friendships that are ending. I feel sad and angry that its so hard for me to function. I am afraid for what is going to happen in the next few weeks. Above all I just feel alone and uncared for. But I think maybe I deserve it.