My throat is burning. Today has been horrible. Ive thrown up 4 times today. Last time I did that on purpose has been months ago. New period on school has started, and fucktard me picked the subject food. Now I get confronted with how fucking disgusting I am. That Im the perfect example of this western society I hate, I hate this world with all the horrible selfish people with all their disgusting sins. And I think I finally found out the reason why I hate myself so much. Im like the biggest sinner of them all. I feel sorry (sin 1:despair, not 1 of the 7 sins, but defeanetly a sin) for myself and am jalous (sin 2: envy) at these people who have a life, love, I want that too (sin 3: greed) And for not having that, for being such a fucking failure I hate myself (sin 4: wrath) And okay a few years ago I thought, ok I will lose the fucking weight and be pretty and all that and I will be loved by the most perfect guy ever (sin 5: I think thats quite vanity/pride thinking I deserve that) But yeah because I was feeling so sorry for myself I already ate a lot (sin 6: gluttony) And since I was a lazy twat I lost my weight with throwing up (sin 7: sloth) Okay i also exercised etc, but you know too greedy, impatient, retarded, pathetic. As some of you know, boulimia causes binging, I just got so greedy, I wanted it all, I wanted to eat everything, I wanted to feel better, I wanted to lose weight, I wanted to be loved. And I realised I still do and especially after this horrible day of all the binging and the throwing up I realised what kind of a fucking disgusted human being I am. Im so sick of this, so sick of myself, I want to change, I need to fucking change. How can I change? I want to leave now, far away from this shitty materialistic culture. I want to be in that cabin in the woods I dream about for years now, that place that keeps me going for years, that place who will make me the person who I want to be. I dont know if I can wait 3 more years. I dont know if I can hold on 3 years with myself. yes pathetic..