Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Vitreledonellidae, Feb 13, 2010.

  1. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    My throat is burning. Today has been horrible. Ive thrown up 4 times today. Last time I did that on purpose has been months ago. New period on school has started, and fucktard me picked the subject food. Now I get confronted with how fucking disgusting I am. That Im the perfect example of this western society I hate, I hate this world with all the horrible selfish people with all their disgusting sins. And I think I finally found out the reason why I hate myself so much. Im like the biggest sinner of them all. I feel sorry (sin 1:despair, not 1 of the 7 sins, but defeanetly a sin) for myself and am jalous (sin 2: envy) at these people who have a life, love, I want that too (sin 3: greed) And for not having that, for being such a fucking failure I hate myself (sin 4: wrath) And okay a few years ago I thought, ok I will lose the fucking weight and be pretty and all that and I will be loved by the most perfect guy ever (sin 5: I think thats quite vanity/pride thinking I deserve that) But yeah because I was feeling so sorry for myself I already ate a lot (sin 6: gluttony) And since I was a lazy twat I lost my weight with throwing up (sin 7: sloth) Okay i also exercised etc, but you know too greedy, impatient, retarded, pathetic. As some of you know, boulimia causes binging, I just got so greedy, I wanted it all, I wanted to eat everything, I wanted to feel better, I wanted to lose weight, I wanted to be loved. And I realised I still do and especially after this horrible day of all the binging and the throwing up I realised what kind of a fucking disgusted human being I am. Im so sick of this, so sick of myself, I want to change, I need to fucking change. How can I change? I want to leave now, far away from this shitty materialistic culture. I want to be in that cabin in the woods I dream about for years now, that place that keeps me going for years, that place who will make me the person who I want to be. I dont know if I can wait 3 more years. I dont know if I can hold on 3 years with myself.

    yes pathetic..
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No your not pathetic you are suffering You can reach out and get some help for your bulemia There are therapist that can help you stop You are suffering like the rest of us You are NOT pathetic you are in pain and suffering and you need to be understood like everyone else. I am sorry you are so sad and hope you can reach out and get professional help to find healing take care
  3. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    Please seek professional help for your ED. It's going to be hard doing it alone. You are hurting like the rest of us. :hug: You are not alone.
  4. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    i got help from begin 2007 till mid 2009 it went better, i cant say i have boulimia anymore, its not really about boulimia, its pathetic that I let this influences me so much, this shitty culture/society, something i hate so much
  5. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    And you're an Artist which influence comes from those you hate. Instead of hating it try to see the benifit it can do to you. or for you
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 17, 2010